AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

Your DM doesn't want outside carers, but her choice is having a knock on affect to other people (not just you)

Yes. The one preventing you having the holiday you want is your mother @Neleh64. She is the one blocking all these ideas.

Did she have the holidays she wanted or did she always have to cut them short to please someone else?

Totally agree with this.

I'm really confused about the level of hostility on this thread! You've been accused of all sorts OP! From forcing your daughter into the arrangement, being a martyr and much more! Plus the rosy view of care services, and nursing homes in the UK. It sounds as though you are doing a great job, and you are only looking for some support for one weekend from your sister, and only because you all want to go away together. I do think your sister is being unreasonable, but she may have a reason for that, which she's not telling you. My brother was useless when it came to support for my dad, but that was because he just couldn't accept the reality of the situation. Outside carers, are not the magic wand! When dads needs increased, he had carers, but there could be up to 21 different people across a single week and thats very hard to deal with. He did eventually go into a nursing home, and that was also tough.

But, for this, I would suggest you and your sister have a open conversation, and consider starting to gently ease some external care into the mix. This will help with options later on, and gently help your mum as its usually pride that doesn't want to accept the need. I don't for one minute regret the care I gave my dad for 10 years, or dealing with the Circus of care rotas, or even the nursing home. My dad is dead now, and I only ever gave back, what he gave me as a child. I hope you find a solution, and enjoy the holiday.

@LetMeGoogleThat you are only looking for some support for one weekend from your sister and the sister said no. OP should just accept that surely? There are other options but OP and her mother don’t want any of them.

The level of care the mother needs in this case plus the refusal to accept outside help is totally unreasonable to ask if the sister for a week. It's unreasonable for the adult grand daughter and the OP to continue to put their lives on gold in this manner. The sister is 100% right to say no.

Read the post it's only one weekend, not life time commitment

Naivety spelt out. Ignorance is bliss.

eta Missppelt spelt 😁

No, the sister does not want to enable her by filling in gaps. The mother requires help from outside.
My mother had to agree to a care package because none of us were going to do it for her.

Read the post it's only one weekend, not life time commitment

And the next time? And the next time? And when something happens which means op or her dd can't continue with their present level of care? Or dm's health deteriorates so that it's no longer enough?

One or more of those things will happen.

There needs to be a conversation about long term planning so that they don't all find themselves having to deal with an emergency.

I think most people are born with an instinct to want to step up during times like this. If a child doesn’t want to help a parent out , then I would think why? Maybe there is some issue about how she raised yourll that your dsis doesn’t want to do it, even though she can and has a very long notice period to make it work. You’ve seemed to rope in your whole family to take this on. I suspect there is much more to this dynamic. And your dm being so stubborn into accepting outside help- well that’s on her!

Is she paid then

Your sister sounds incredibly selfish, to be honest. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to care or be involved if they don't want to be. Not everyone seems to have that nurturing, caring nature, and I honestly don't understand it myself. To me, it's a privilege to care for and be there for someone you love.
She also sounds like the kind of person who has very little time for someone when they're alive, but is suddenly the first to show up with plenty to say when something happens to them. That's often the way with people like that, sadly. I hope you get it sorted - you deserve a break❤️

Unfortunately, you can't force someone to care or be involved if they don't want to be

Maybe the mother was like that and that is why the sister doesn’t want to do anything.

If someone takes on a job, no one has to take over that job when the person goes on holiday. If you sign up for a job, that’s on you. You can’t just sit there whinging that no one wants to be your holiday cover. Especially when there are other options but you prefer to be a bloody martyr about it all.

I agree that you can organise respite care for holidays and general breaks. The question is, who will pay for that respite care? Does your mother have enough money? Would your sister contribute to paying an outside carer?

The mother needs to pay and if she hasn't the funds the OP needs to get in contact with social services for a care needs assessment by social services.

This.

It sounds like OPs daughter is getting paid in some way or another to provide care (otherwise why caring or a job, rather than caring or her being a SAHM).

There's a really big chance that OPs sibling doesn't think this is in their DM's best interests, and so isn't prepared to be part of it.