AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

If your sister has vocalised your mum should stay at home and be looked after by family, then she's being a bit of a dick.
If she's never commented on it and just said 'I cant do xx' then while its disappointing for you, neither of you are actually obligated to care for your mum and it sounds like she simply doesnt want to and you cant make her. She's thinking about not wanting to do the care, not about you not getting a break, at a guess. Have you discussed the care before?
I do hope you manage to find some way of getting a break, its wonderful what your family are doing for your mum but im sure she wouldnt want you to be burnt out on it.

I would guess she’s in denial- doesn’t want to face this. Say everything you said here to her- how much ye all do and how you need a break x

You can’t make anyone one else take on caring responsibilities. It’s her choice to say no just as it is your and your daughter’s choice to do all you currently do.

yes you may see it as your duty as a loving daughter and granddaughter or you may feel you have to as there are no other options.

but ultimately it is a choice you have made .

arrange a social services assessment of needs and carers assessment and if you are unable to do as much or need respite you say and ask for support.

your mum may have to pay for it if she has funds etc but you are only being held to random because you are currently doing it all.

alternatively your mum pays independently for care from an agency.

it may seem wrong to you that your sister won’t help but that is her choice and you can’t force her to do more than she wishes to do.

All of this.

How many visits a day are needed to keep Mum safe and healthy?

Sorry but your mum may be resistant to outside carers but she has no choice. Your sister has the right to say no.

3 is generally the best bet, around morning, afternoon and evening to sync up with her medication and meals. The evening one can be fairly short if you prepare something in advance as mum prefers a large lunch and small dinner.

You need to get her assessed and get carers in. My mum goes into respite home when we are all on holiday. But we have carers in 3 times a day too under normal circumstances so the burden doesn’t fall too heavily on one person.

You're doing too much and trying to force someone to help when they have set a boundary. All of us with elderly parents we care for reach a time when the elderly loved one refuses outside help but we can't provide all the care they need. You need to insist your mother accepts enough help to make your caring burden acceptable to you not insist your unwilling sister enables this situation to continue

I think it is unfair of your mother to resist outside care if needed. She may just need to accept that sometimes that is the only option.

Surely the odd ready meal and pre-prepared sandwich could also help to ease things along sometimes?

If someone needs 3 visits a day then they either need to accept home carers or they need to be in a care home where it can be provided. It’s not fair on anyone to expect family to carry on like that for years and I don’t blame any family member who says “no I can’t”

Ok.
In my area once you get to needing 4 visits or more per 24 hours, that moves the care needs into the 24 hour care bracket and thus a move to a formal setting is recommended if 24 hour live-in carers is not affordable by the person.

Your Mum is brushing close to this red line, so preparing herself, and the family, to make plans for a move is sensible. We all understand that people would, in an ideal world, remain at home, but circumstances and changes in needs might mean a move to stay safe is best.

I am sending best wishes, a difficult stage is coming.

Yes, but someone still has to make sure she makes her tablets.

Generally DD goes in, in the morning makes sure she eaten, does morning tablets helps her wash, makes the bed and cleans up.
Goes at lunch and either makes her something or uses a ready meal or air fryer meal. Then pops in for maybe 5 minutes in the evening to sort her evening tablets and make sure mum locks up. Sometimes I do the afternoon and evening ones.

You need to get carers so you and your DD can have a break and discuss with your mum long term about propects

if she needs 3 visits and can’t be trusted to take her medication it means intervention. This doesn’t mean you can’t also look after her but it will take the pressure offf.

that’s how you need to frame it to your mum. That her refusal means you can’t take a holiday with daughter, that everyone deserves respite etc and you will ensure that she is involved in the process

Could someone call her to remind her, or have her do it whilst on the phone?

Are there any men in the family who could take a turn?

Its your dd and your choice to care for your dm. I think its crazy your poor dd is burdened with caring for your mother whilst you work. She should be enjoying her life with her young family 3 times a day is crazy. Your sister and her child have put boundaries in place that they dont want to provide care. Personally i dont blame them its abit ask. Your dm needs carers in or a care home or the very least respite

We don’t want this to happen, she is perfectly okay on her own overnight and for most of the day, the visits are short and we are happy to provide these until it is truly no longer possible to do it at home, not some arbitrary 4 visits rules.
We would rather skip holidays than have to put mum in a home. I will be retiring in a few years and can take on some of the burden to ease up my daughters time and let her get back to work, but for now it works well as she is home with her children anyway.

I agree with previous posters that you need to start considering other options. How long has your daughter played such a significant role in her grandmother's care? It's sounds like she's doing a tremendous amount, alongside caring for young children. That's unlikely to be sustainable. Does she (and do you) have support through your local carers centre? Carer burnout and consequent breakdown is common and increasingly likely here.

If you choose to take care of your mum that’s on you. No one is obliged to take care of a parent and you certainly can’t just sign up a sibling based on what you think is reasonable.

You need to do what you are happy with, if you aren’t happy with what you are doing then cut back

No, I only have a sister, I’m not married, my sister is, my sister has 2 daughters, I have a daughter and son. My son covers when his sister is on holiday where he can.

It doesn't sound as though it is working all that well though. I'm afraid that you and her all seem resistant to some of the options that could help make your lives easier, which is your choice, but is not the same choice your sister wishes to make.

This, is your dd really happy to have to do so much care? Is it more about saving money and not paying for care?

Your poor dd is carring the main load she should be enjoying her young children and going back to work. Why is your dm her responsibility. Shes not going to get time back with her young kids. I speak as someone whos dad had carers in. It was never expected of me to met his care needs.

It works perfectly well 51 weeks of the year?

Only on this occasion where I want to go on holiday with both my children at once is it an issue. We can just do centre parcs Monday to Friday if my sister really doesn’t want to help.