AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

I think it's reached th etime for outside carers. When someone says no they can't be a carer, I think you need to respect that but it feels to be that you won't and things will not go well for you and your family if you don't.

A few years’ time? With all due respect, with this level of care at the current time, I very much doubt you will still be needing to provide the care in a few years’ time. She’ll likely need to go into care eventually.

I do feel for your daughter - she’s doing everything and this will take her away from her children. Can’t you take on more responsibility - at a least do all the evenings. I feel very sorry for your daughter, she’s the one being burdened with this. No one else (including yourself) seems that involved.

Why doesn't your daughter apply for the carers allowance, sounds like she is is entitled to and deserving of it?

I don't think you quite understand how this works. Sil pulled this stunt on us and we arranged outside carers for Mil - weirdly Sil though we were paying for the carers and by the time she realised that MIL was paying it was too late and she got all upset about losing out on her inheritance. It's amazing how it went from caring for family to caring about an inheritance.

So she only has two options? One - work, or two - be a full time carer. Why can’t she just be a SAHM?

Sadly its a common story.
I worked 4 days a week 9am to 9pm.and on my days off sorted my dad and mum out. They were separated and lived in 2 different locations.
My brother and sister never helped despite living nearer than me . They now tell people how hard it was in them having both parents suffer from dementia !
Can you contact social services or Age concern for advice ?

Not enough hours

If OP doesn't ask she will get nothing. her sister doesn't want to help, but might if OP actually shows her that she isn't going to hold the proverbial baby alone.
Obviously no-one can force the sister to do a share.
But there a lot of martyrs who take the whole caring role, & the siblings sit back & think "Thank God for that"

OP, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t come back to the thread. I have rarely seen such a comprehensive set of Mumsnettery.

If you discount the people who;
didn’t comprehend or didn’t read the original post,
somehow decide to disbelieve the OP,
ask irrelevant questions,
ask questions clearly covered in the OP,
are only interested in telling their own stories,
are determined to think OP is only in it for the money,
offer solutions which wouldn’t work due to any or all of the above,
there have been a few sensible suggestions.

There seem to me to be three possible options. One is if your sister can be nudged into picking up the reins for the three days, another is if you shorten your holiday, and the third is if you can manage to get your Mum to accept a carer coming for those three days. The third would possibly be the best option for the long term when she might need more formal care, and if you managed to introduce a single carer to your Mum by having them visit at the same times as you, or your daughter, for a couple of weeks your Mum might look on them more positively.If she’s concerned about a carer taking liberties, or anything else, you could set up a camera.

However, this solution is a bit of a faff and expense for three days and if you could have a calm discussion with your sister about how she thinks the gap could be filled she might come round. It seems there isn’t any intense personal care involved, just a bit of tidying, food prep and meds monitoring. Also, only two visits a day for three days as the neighbour has offered to monitor the night time meds.

I can understand you being a bit miffed your sister hasn’t stepped up; does she not see her own Mum often anyway? Hopefully you have time to have a reasonable discussion with your sister in time for you to come to an acceptable solution and for you to book that week’s holiday.

There's also the martyrs who take on the whole caring role because they refuse to bring in outside care, they don't accept that the siblings have a right to say no, so they keep asking and everytime they ask (frequently) it means (because it's never just asking) I don't respect your boundaries and the relationship between siblings deteriorates because the martyr (who isn't really in control of their own lives) doesn't get to control other people's lives and that really pisses them off.

100% this. Some people get to a stage where being a [whatever] is their main thing, who are they if they’re not a [whatever]? I’ve seen this with a relative, the person caring for her was incensed when they came back from a work trip as ‘everything had fallen apart, all the structure’ whereas actually everything was fine, they had temporarily not had full control of things, that’s all.

I'm actually a full time carer!

Yep - I know that no one else can do any medical appt or assessments but sil, she'll make a big deal about how she has to do everything - so dh and I drive 200 miles to attend the appt with MIL (eye check up at the house) and Sil "drops by" at the same time as the appt. This has happened too frequently to make it a coincidence. And everytime we offer more help than the usual this is what happens. There's lots of shit that goes on between siblings when caring for their parents but the martyr isn't the angel - they want to be the ring master but that's not how it works.
Anyway on the plus side, because of this experience we have planned our old age care, we will not put our kids through this.

A - ‘None of my siblings bother to help, it’s all on me’

B - ’Hey brother/sister, here I am, I’ll do this or that, is that helpful?’

A - ‘That’s the wrong kind of help, you don’t understand’

B - ‘help me understand, what can I do?’

A - ‘see? No one helps me, I have to do it all by myself. They just don’t understand’

….and then a deep deep sigh. But only if someone is watching. It doesn’t count if there’s not an audience.

And the other type ‘I’m not going to do this to help you because it doesn’t need doing/we should get professionals involved/Mum should be doing that herself and I don’t want her to lose the skills she already has’.

*disclaimer - I know some siblings are not helpful, this is not the type I’m talking about.

Possibly not enough hours caring or her household income is too high. Carers allowance is really measly for the work involved.
I gave up work to care for my parent 24/7 but because my DH had an ok ish income I was entitled to nothing.

Carer's Allowance isn't means tested, it's based only on the carer's income. Your savings and spousal earning are not considered.

Your mum’s resistance to outdoor carers is the issue. You and your sister are her daughters, not carers. Any care you give is great, but not at the expense of your own lives. Your sister has learned to say no but you are feeling like you can’t even take holidays or you feel guilty.

Haven’t RTFT but was so saddened by the time I got to page 3. I am reminded of a woman on social media who willingly, lovingly and respectfully cared for her grandma. It is an absolutely wonderful thing your daughter is doing and I’m sure when she and you look back you’ll be very happy with any sacrifices made during this time with your mum. I’d be disappointed in my sister as well. As if this is “skivvying” as someone suggested. I hope you get sorted for cover. Bless you all. Cx

I gave up work to care for my parent 24/7 but because my DH had an ok ish income I was entitled to nothing

Your dh's income would not have been taken into account. My dh was quite a high earner but I still got carers allowance for a family member.

This is incorrect.

Well it was certainly my experience a couple of years ago.(Scotland) It may have changed now, hopefully. I didn't challenge it because I was too knackered & emotionally drained.

Same rules in Scotland. You would have been entitled to claim if you did minimum 35 hours care per week for a person claiming relevant benefit .

You're adamant it all works perfectly well and everyone is happy with the arrangement. If only your sister would cover this 2-3 day period. Compared to what you, your daughter and your son do and what your niece has agreed to do, it isn't asking a lot. However she has said no. We don't know her reasons. But it scuppers your plans for a week away with both your children and your DGC. Your sister is perfectly entitled to say "No". Your choices are then to arrange respite carers - either paid for or other family members - or to cut short your holiday.
Your arrangement would not work for me if I was one of you, your son or your daughter.

Could you get her less reliant on visitors, I know it is not hard to pop in at the moment but will also be good for her if she can do it.
My grandma is 91 and has fairly bad memory problems. But she can manage to.take her own pills, she has a timer / alarm pill box that is set up with all her pills about once a week and goes off each time she needs to take them so all she has to do is take what is released. She is fine with doing that and is used to it so doesn't forget or leave them.
She can also microwave herself a small ready meal. She has someone to see her once a day at least. She has post it notes around as reminders which help and a diary she can look at which tells her what she has done each day or who she has seen also has notes to say who is seeing her on future days if known.

You should book a 2 week holiday

Why not ?

The guilt ?

Your DM doesnt want outside carers, but her choice is having a knock on affect to other people (not just you)

All old people say they "dont want outside carers", but sometimes there is no alternative.

Your DM could live another 10 15, 20 years

So you will have no holiday for 2o years ?

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Elderly neighbour passed away in their 90s
Their son passed away suddenly in their 50s

A long life is not guaranteed

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Start introducing external cleaners & carers