AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

What sort of childhood did your sister have?
Were you treated equally or were you favoured?
Did your sister have exactly the same experience of being parented by your mother that you had?

It just sounds like a lot, if any visits are missed your mum won't eat or take her meds. That really is a big responsibility. You're just used to it. We are not!
And your daughter has a dog to look after too. It sounds like a lot.

How do you get this to happen though when the elderly parent won’t engage or accept the assessment from SS?

I can't believe you are all asking so much of your daughter. It may be what your Mother wants but it's not fair and not sustainable. Your daughter has children who are missing out.

Is your daughter claiming Carer’s Allowance? Is your mum getting Attendance Allowance? Could your mum be persuaded to have a week’s respite care in a care home? If you told her it’s either that or carers coming in?

Frankly it is ludicrous that you are both doing all of this. You also have lives. Why should your DD be doing all this? It’s nuts. Your DSis is entirely within her rights to draw a line and I think you also should.

This all sounds very familiar. I’m the ‘selfish’ sister in this equation. I won’t go in to why as I’ve previously posted about it.
While I understand your motives, you could be creating problems down the line if you don’t get your mother used to occasional outside care now.

While it’s lovely that your daughter is currently willing to help her grandmother, You cannot predict the future and have no way of knowing how long you’ll be able to care for your mum once you retire. Your daughter may end up with a busy job and unable to help as much. Same with your son. Life can be like that.
Hopefully you’ll all continue being able, willing and happy to provide this lucky lady with the sort of care she’s had up to now, but do her and yourselves a favour and get her used to occasional outside help as it will be far less traumatic for her than it happening in a situation where no one has any choice.

I post this from an assumption that everyone is happy with their roles and not just blindly playing their family roles. If it is the latter, then this has the potential to fall apart quite quickly.
It would be really interesting to know how you get on with sis generally and how your daughter relates to her. Also be intriguing to know what everyone’s relationship with your father was like.
Probably best that just book a midweek CenterParcs. Quieter midweek anyway.

It is not ludicrous that they are caring for a relative. It is their choice to do so.
What does you sister bring to the party. Does she visit or ever care for your mum?
If not, is there any reason or just because she doesn't want to?

And there's a big difference between that and running yourself ragged for someone too selfish to accept outside help. Given the financial details the OP updated with it would be LA funded as well so not even out of financial con concerns.

Daughter not eligible for Carers allowance due to insufficient hours but attendance allowance should be claimed. It's to pay for help.

You need to be quite firm and you need to fully involve the person your dealing with if you are a carer you do need to learn quickly that you cannot do everything and that you need support. So you do need to say no.

I don’t always think it is selfishness when people get older. But fear.
Strangers in your home. Strangers going anywhere they please. Strangers cleaning you.
They won’t feel in control of their home or their body. Which is incredibly frightening. So they resist.
How many of us on Mumsnet would welcome strangers coming in, walking around the house, cleaning us.
Many will have watched programmes or seen the tales of abuse which occur. The purse opened, the money stolen. The jewellery gone.
It is fear. Not selfishness.

I know your Mum has health issues, but she has to accept she can't be cared for 365 days a year by her family. It's fine if you and your daughter are willing to do it, but it's not right for everyone. You and your DD need a break, DM will have to accept people coming in or go into a care home.

You need to start to look at paid care, if it’s being privately funded look at the option of direct hire locally so your mum can get to know the person/people covering for you. As only short visits with minimal personal care it should be relatively easy to find someone who perhaps has retired but could do with earning a little bit, if you were my neighbour I’d happily do it in fact.

We made it clear to the in laws what we were prepared to do and they would buy in care and then moving into a care home. It should not be expected that your children will care for you when you are older. Its a choice you and your daughter have made. Your sister has not. She should not be made to feel bad about that.

It's fine that you have chosen to care for your mum, but it's not fine to make it so your choice to do it means that other people have to do it against their will. Use respite care for a few days.

Don't be so ridiculous. Parents are obligated by law to look after the children that they chose to have. Failure to do this can lead to prosecution and the children being taken into care if the children are mistreated or neglected. There is no such obligation for adult children to care for their aged parents.

OP's mum is selfish to completely refuse to have any outside carers, not even for respite care so that her daughter and grandaughter can go on holiday together.

Or maybe she volunteered to start with, not really knowing what she was getting herself into, and she's now painted herself into a corner she can't get out of. And her mum tells everyone how awful the sister is, and how amazing the daughter is, and the granny selfishly tells everyone how she will never have paid carers, and the daughter realises she has no way out.

OP - and in the kindest way possible as I have a mother of a similar age - there is absolutely no guarantee that your mother will be around in "a few years" when your own grandchildren start school. She's 84.

If she were working 9-5, 5 days a week no one would be asking these questions, despite it being more hours.

If she were working 9-5, or whatever other hours, she would have a wage or salary. She would have annual leave. She would have the choice to leave and take a different job. She currently has none of those.

And I think it's unrealistic to plan for the current situation to continue until you retire 'in a few years' when you will take over. You can't predict what might happen which might mean your dd needs to prioritise her family, or how your health or your dm's health might change in the next few years.

Why would you let your daughter waste her life being an unpaid carer?! shocking.

The issue is your Mum’s resistance to outside help, not the boundary your sister has set for herself.

Morally its not right but equally its your sisters perogative to decline helping with your mums care.
No child is ever obligated to care for their parents.
Ultimately, you deserve a break and as much as your mum doesn't want external care, it is also not fair of her to emotionally blackmail you by guilt tripping you into not having a well deserved holiday.
I would put external care in place and just tell your mum this os whats happening. Its not permanent so she needs to get over it!

I don’t understand how her children are missing out.

visit 1 and 2 are during the time she would otherwise be at work
visit 3 is after their bedtime.

They’ve been on 2 holidays so far this year and have another in October. My daughter and her husband have been on two additional weekends way.

This summer they have been to a castle, the zoo tomorrow, farm park, beach countless times.

What are they missing out?
They get more time with their mummy and days out than they would if she were working.

So your daughter is being paid? Direct payments? Surely you don't mean carers allowance which is only £83 a week?

That's what safes and lockable filing cabinets are for.