AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

So what’s the plan for when she’s back at work? Is this what you’re gearing up your sister for?
honestly struggling to see how this 3 visits a day including bed visits is such a benefit to dd? Is she on uc?

Yeah, I don't understand what you mean by better than working?

I think this thread has been totally derailed OP.
I think your AIBU has 2 questions hidden in it,

1. YABU to expect your sister to provide care
2. Assuming you and your sister shared a positive childhood YANBU to be a bit miffed that she won't help out

As for everyone else, I'm in my 20s, 2 children and I care for my grandma, it is not a burden, my children do not miss out on anything (if anything they gain), and I view it as a thank you to all the years of support and love she bestowed upon her children and grandchildren. My parents, Aunt and Uncle, Sibling and Cousins help out if I want to take the kids away for the day or go on holiday (which happens often), and I view every hour spent with my grandma as a privilege.
No one has to care for their family, its not an obligation in the way caring for children is, but nor is it inherently a bad thing. Just because it's not something you want to do, doesn't mean no one should.

Yabu
It’s really sad that your dd is providing this level of care at her age. Your Mum needs proper care 3 times a day and while you are willing to provide this and not involve carers, you can’t expect your sister to support this level of home care

I won't speak for OP or her daughter but I can explain how caring for my Grandma benefits me and my children.

1. Yes I am on UC, my partner works but isn't a high earner
2. The alternative is me working 8-5, at which point I can't take my eldest to school, need to pay childcare for my youngest etc, and only have limited time off for holidays and days out
3. In the school term I take DD to school, then pop up to Grandma, we spend a little while there, DD2 gets to play with the toys we have there, we are home for 10:15, I then have a whole day with DD2, until about 13:30 when she would be in Nursery otherwise, we play, go to classes. I then go to Grandmas again 13:30- 3:00, I do DDs lunch there, I have lunch there, DD plays. Then I have all evening until about 20:00, I've put the children to bed, I spend 45 min with grandma and shower her before bed, I'm home in time for 2 hours of time with my partner before bed.

When I worked with 1 DC, I did not have the same time for my children or partner, It can be beneficial.

Your "every hour is a privilege" just doesn't ring true, sorry.

No one is this emotionally one dimensional. Life is complicated.

I wonder if you are perhaps at risk of being trapped like the OP? Family ties and caring responsibilities require careful navigation.

Is your daughter being paid? I don't mean carer's allowance.
If she is and wants to do it (and isn't being pressurised by you) then it's her choice.
If she isn't being paid (and isn't being pressurised by you, again it's her choice.

But I suspect some pressure is being applied to her.
2 hours out of anyone's day is a LOT when she already has enough on her plate.
Your Mum and you are going to have to accept that outside help is needed.

Having had more than enough experience at being a carer, for different people, at different times, I think it's important to point out that whilst all these people are happy and choose to be doing what they're doing, they don't have a back up plan. That's the problem with 'keeping it in the family'

In our case 3 of us were caring for an elderly parent (mil) which was mostly doable even though it took a ridiculous amount of organisation. We had it all in hand.

Until my sil fell and broke her pelvis and then another of the siblings had a sporting accident and broke a kneecap. In the same week. Both out of action for at least 6 months. That reduced our manpower, and we'd all been giving all the time we had around work and commitments already. Of course chaos ensued and one of us had to manage getting care in place immediately. Emergency private carers costing a fortune while we got an assessment for social care etc which took about 6 weeks.

So my advice would be to get an assessment. Get on the books. Get into the system. Even if it's just for one visit a day - maybe the evening visit when it's just about medication and locking up to start with and there's no personal care involved. Then if the worst happens, she's already in the care system, the admin is all already done, and the emergency services will fly in and cover.
(And very efficiently, we have found to our surprise)
It's common sense really, and insurance against things going badly wrong.

I'm not saying there are no moments where it is difficult, thats true of anything in life, a job also wouldn't be perfect.
Why does it shock you that I love my grandma and enjoy her company and want to spend time with her?

OP you and your DD are doing a fantastic job. Don’t let anyone here tell you your Mum needs a Care Home without knowing anything about her other than she needs some help with daily living or that your daughter ought not to be providing care. You do what’s best. Have you considered whether your local council would pay a Direct Payment to fund/part fund the cost of your Mum’s care? Ask for a Care act Assessment. This would potentially give your daughter a small income. It’s unfortunate that your sister won’t help but not everyone is cut out to. I think your Mum will need to compromise and allow outsiders to help while you are away.

I'm not shocked at all, and none of this has anything to do with how you feel about your grandmother as a person. I'm merely evaluating your words about your caring responsibilities.

And as you concede in your post, your comment about it being purely a privilege was inaccurate.

The OP here is in a situation where she is not really seeing things clearly and, although she'd prefer not to admit it, the arrangement is clearly stressful and unsustainable in the long run, and it's now starting to strain family relationships.

I don't think she benefits at all from people (like you) waxing lyrical about how wonderful caring responsibilities are. And I do that think that she and her daughter could do with an opportunity to reflect openly on their situation and look at some alternatives.

I agree, it is different for everyone and I couldn't do it with the support network I have.
However this thread derailed into how badly her daughter and daughters children have it, which considering the similarities, I took personally. We can't know if OPs DD genuinely wants to do it like myself, is suffering etc. We simply do not have the information to know.
However the thread spiralled into what in places felt like generic don't care for family and I felt I should balance that with what is a broadly positive example, where it is beneficial.
There is no one size fits all, or a right or wrong way to approach these things, some commenters (I am not suggesting you were one of them) have tried to brand all family care as inherently negative, suffer inducing or detrimental, I was countering that, not trying to say it is always positive for everyone.

But this is all happening because her husband is able to financially support her.

So you are directly benefitting from his financial support as it means you are not having to deal with the real cost of being a full time carer for your mum.

Don’t you have any plans for your retirement ? What if your mum lives for another 10+ years. It’s entirely feasible with the miracles in modern medicine.

As a PP said, this situation is entirely based on luck and goodwill.
When a member of the family chooses not to engage it’s probably wise not to immediately jump to ‘they’re just selfish’ but to look at the wider picture.

You sound similar to my sister. Very in charge of things and brilliant in a crisis etc but gets extremely judgemental when people don’t fall in line with her view of things.

Interestingly my dad sounds like your mum. Everything is about family, no outsiders. I believe they call it ‘close knit’.

The geriatric social worker on my mums rehab ward describe it as codependency!

Could you get respite care at all? Care agencies may be worth a try .Obv DS should help but you cant make them sadly.

My elderly parents didn't just get used to the carers after a few teething problems they bloody love them

Please don’t diminish the message I was trying to explain.

I hope your daughter is being paid for taking on such a responsibility!

So the same stress and financial responsibility as most parents?

Has she always been so awful and selfish? I'd ask her why she is being like this-the only reason she is even alive is because your mum (and maybe others too) looked after her, and it's the natural order to pay it back to our parents-all cultures had some version of honour and care for the people who raised you, and helped you when you were helpless. In some societies people who don't look after their parents are shunned and there can be legal consequences-arguably the west has got far less caring.

Behave - you don't have children so that they care for you when you're older. Its your choice to have a child, its not contractual because you've raised and cared for them. And how many of these parents have cared for their parents in turn - I doubt not very many.

Everyone should ensure they have funds to buy in any care they need as its changes the relationship from parent/child to caree/carer. And its not selfish - its more selfish to put the burden on your children. They make have health concerns themselves so to have this additional burden of caring for a parent puts immense pressure on them. Plus many people need to work these days to provide for their own families. Its not so easy to give up work.

You have every right to have a holiday in this scenario. Just tell her you are going and if she cant cover or find others then put mum in for some respite care.

However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers. Sorry, I know she's your mum but I can't imagine being so selfish. I'd never expect, or want my children to have their lives revolving around me.

Surely respite for a week would be the best option? Many homes offer pre-bookable respite. That would be better than having people care for her with young children in tow or people who don't want to be there.

I think she has every right to be miffed that her sister won't help her out for 3 days. Of course her sister doesn't have to but what sort of family member is she if she won't help out for 3 days?

Is DD being paid? Because you keep comparing it to a job but she doesn't get carers allowance.

If DD is doing three visits a day for free then you and your sister are bang out of order.

Of course she has every right! We're all entitled to our feelings.

But equally, the sister can assert a boundary and stick to it.

The OPs decision to dedicate her life to caring for her mother places absolutely no obligation on the sister to get involved.

I think she is, simply, a perfectly normal family member, who does not want to take on the responsibility of three times daily care. Not many family members do and not many would, I suspect.

The difficulty here is caused only by the mother's intransigence in accepting outside, professional carers.

And in more general terms, I don't think it's ever a good idea to force a person to care for someone vulnerable (and in this case, possibly someone really quite difficult). No good will come of it.