AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

My daughter volunteered, it works well for her, she gets more time with her children than she would if she had been back at work already, is always able to do school drop off and pick up, nativity plays etc. The children brighten up my mums day.

Has your dm got alot of money of a big house? You are unreasonable to put on your sister and your nieces.

If your sister doesn't want to help, you can't make her.

This is why carers exist. You need to employ someone if you can't cope.

No she lives in a council bungalow and doesn’t have any savings. She’s on state pension and disability payments.

Well then just arrange outside care as a one off for a few days, I'm sure your mum will understand and not want you guys to miss out when you do so much for her.

No it doesn’t. You haven’t been on holiday for three years despite wanting to and you resent your sister. It isn’t working perfectly well.

Toddlers are resistant to putting their coats on and going in car seats - but you have to insist for their wellbeing.

it’s the same principle here - you need to TELL not ask her that you are going away on this date. Cousin is covering first 5 days and the remainder needs to be covered by carers.

does she wish to phone the agency to organise or would she like you to do so? Would she like to be involved in choosing the agency or would she like you to arrange it all?

no matter how ‘resistant’ she is to the idea of carers it has to happen unless she can come up with a plausible safe alternative option.

you have to put your foot down about this as you need a break.

So get carers in. Even if they come in once or twice it takes the pressure off

I could have gone on holiday. The only reason I haven’t is I’ve had no one to go with. It’s just now I want to go with both my children. If I really wanted to I could go with my children separately.

If it wasnt a problem you wouldnt have posted. Your dsis doesnt want to go doen the rabbit hole of providing care. I dont blame her. Your DM doesnt get to dictate.

Yes, you are being very unreasonable.
You cannot force your DSis to do this.
Has anyone got POA for your DM?
Has Attendance Allowance been applied for?
You will need these going forward.

I thjnk it is unreasonable to expect this level of care from a family member. You have revolved your lives round this but in all honesty you cannot expect others to be prepared to do the same even if it is only for a week.

It’s not your sister being difficult here

You all have options to do it differently but none of you want to explore those options. That’s fine, but there’s no point moaning about it.

Wouldn’t your mother at least allow outside carers for a short period to allow you the break?

That seems a more sensible option than everyone trying to juggle everything round.

Well then that’s your choice, but it’s not necessarily your sisters. If your DD is formally claiming carers allowance then I think there’s a possibility of paid for respite care.

Not what you asked but be careful of taking on the role of carer when you retire, Carer’s Allowance is considered a benefit and will be deducted from your state pension.

OP your DM needs to go into respite care so that you can have a proper break. It only needs to be temporary, but it will open the door to future stays. Your current arrangements are not sustainable.

Does “we”, include your sister?

I feel desperately sorry for your daughter. You seem to expect her to do it, it’s her duty.

This could go on for years and as you state you havent been on holiday for 3 years!

All elderly people would prefer family to do the caring but even you have used the word burden in one of your posts.

I had both parents that I was responsible for and I had very strict boundaries. If someone could be paid to do something that is what happened. Eventually both had to go into care homes but even then care homes LOVE daughters around the corner.

Good for her for having her boundaries.

Is your sister included in the "we" or is it you and your daughter that don't want this?

I can see why you feel your sister is being very unhelpful when you do so much, and I can also see why she might not be keen. I think you can be annoyed at her, but just have to accept it.

Some people here suggesting your mum might be close to needing a care home, I would disagree. However some things you might want to consider....

1. Your DD can have a carers assessment for free from your council, it isn't related to carers benefit, your mum doesn't need to agree or know about it. DD may get some helpful advice on longer term planning and even the possibility of a small amount of financial help.
2. You could ask GP/pharmacist if your mums meds could be taken fewer times a day - sometimes as things get added to prescriptions they are not well organized and actually can be done better so they only have to be taken once or twice a day, or things can be given in other forms eg patches. This might reduce the checking she has taken her tablets pressure.
3. Look into delivered meals, some options include a quick check in for peace of mind.
4. Home care comes in lots of forms and sometimes charities like age UK do paid for home visiting services. This can be things like just checking someone is okay and has had lunch.
5. Assuming you are in England/Wales, your council is legally obliged to give you advice on social care options (including things like delivered meals, technology etc)
6. There is lots of technology which can help with things like medication prompts, falls detectors, home safety etc.

Your sister is perfectly entitled not to look after your mother. Your mother is being totally unreasonable not to have carers in. What sort of a person thinks their children should scivvy for them. Please tell me that you don’t expect your children or grandchildren to do this for you. You are also being unreasonable for keeping this going. Your mother will get her carers paid for if she has no money.

You can’t make any one step up. You should organise private carers for the weekends and tell your mother you need a break. And that’s it.

Toddlers are resistant to putting their coats on and going in car seats - but you have to insist for their wellbeing

This. Our family were run ragged for 4 years trying to juggle mils care. She needed 3 visits a day for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Couldn't cook for herself as too immobile. Forgot her medication and rung one of us if she lost her tv remote. It was bloody ridiculous to let it go on for so long. None of us were leading normal lives. She, too, was highly resistant to outside carers coming in but in the end we had to force it - ironically because one of us had an accident and was immobile herself for a short time. It became clear that we just couldn't fill the gaps without somebody suffering a mental collapse. She just had to suck it up, like it or not but she soon got used to it. Sounds harsh but you're no use to anyone else if you don't look after yourself first.