AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

My partner ran himself into the ground looking after his mum...he moved her into his house and she became more and more immobile.
We split for a year due to the stress...it is a huge burden and one that i will never put onto my kids.

I suspect the sister has the sense to recognise the thin end of the wedge when she sees it.

It’s disappointing and I would sit my sister down and have a proper conversation about it. But your mom is also being unnecessarily difficult by refusing any assistance from outside carers.

From what i remember of my Mum's lovely carers, they aren't allowed to "administer" meds. They can offer them and remind the person but if the person refuses then that's it. I mean its open to interpretation but insistence crosses the line. "Standing over them till they take it" deffo crosses the line! https://www.cqc.org.uk/guidance-regulation/adult-social-care/medicines-information-adult-social-care-services/managing-medicines-home-care-providers

(I am always baffled by selfish family members like your sister.)

I think you should prioritise your daighter getting a break (does she never want to take her kids for a day out, picnic on bikes etc). It would be good for ypir Mum to accept some ouyside help. My MIL regused a cleaner for years but loves her now.

If your mum was a good mum to her, then your sister is an absolute disgrace sitting back and expecting you and your daughter to do it all.

I bet she will have her begging bowl out and ready when it comes to inheritance time.

Fuck her, OP. Don’t communicate anything about your mum to sister at all now.

Yes your sister sounds really unhelpful. But what do I know? We don't know other people's lives. I think you and your daughter are giving an excellent service currently for your mum and you must keep this in mind.

Have you looked into overnight carers ? I don't know if that would help. all I know is I would try to minimise the time you're asking for help from daughter's cousin..To come and stay with her own young kids for that much time, I can see problems there. Sorry got no more ideas..I guess money is tight but at some point you're going to need to look into a care home when she becomes more frail..Best wishes.

I will say I have some empathy with your sister as your mom equally sounds difficult and a little selfish too by preferring the family to burn themselves out rather than have external carers alleviate some of the workload and refusing to take her pills somebody has to make time to stand over her and watch her do it.
I would be more willing to help if she would at least meet is half way.

Mumsnet seems to believe that children have absolutely no obligations for seeing that their parents are properly cared for. I am a carer and I disagree. There may be circumstances where the relationship was abusive or neglectful, but generally in my view there is a moral duty for children to ensure their parents are okay and looked after. This does not mean you do the caring yourself necessarily and you do need to be careful of burnout. I would start with a Social Services Care Needs Assessment which all of the family should be involved in. If your mum wants to live at home, then it should be possible to cover some or all of the visit needs by using carers. If you need to do this privately I can recommend the UKCIL website recommend by my LA which allows you to place an advert for care staff. Similarly Social Services should be able to help with respite care, though again there will be charges for this.

The collective mind of Mumsnet also seems to think that Grandparents should be on call for childcare needs and should be funding the lifestyle of their children, but support for parents? Nah. Something does not quite add up here.

If you mum is resistant to external carers she may be saying this. But unless you actually try it you don’t know.
I bet she will be fine once they are there. But do it early. Get her used to them now. If she can afford it do it.
Don’t try to manage other people to do things they clearly do not wish to do either because it won’t work. People will either do them or they won’t.

Get a carer in. Get her used to the carer. She will not make as big a fuss as you imagine.

I so agree with you.
You do not have to do the caring yourself. But you do have to ensure they are cared for. That is a moral obligation. 100%.

Part of the reason you don't want this to change OP is because it evidently suits your DD so well. You and her are invested in this being a good, sustainable arrangement for that reason. And that's your choice, but your Dsis isn't in the wrong not to agree with you or want to facilitate refusal to accept care outside the family.

It really doesn’t work well. It’s all based on good luck. Good luck that your daughter doesn’t take ill, good luck that your grandchildren don’t take ill, good luck that the current routine this. It doesn’t take much for good luck to run out which is where good planning comes in.

From what you have indicated, your mums needs are dependant on quite a heavy carers touch point of three times a day. Realistically this means either a care setting or external carers should be looked at. Given this, there is nothing wrong with your sister having boundaries accordingly. If I were her, I’d be doing the same to try and force the situation more towards where it needs to go as it’s not sustainable and based too much on the element of good luck.

But she'd get weekends and evenings free at a normal job, plus annual leave. Plus wages! You're minimising this. It's a massive commitment to visit 3 times a day, on top of school runs.
Is she really ok with it, or have you pressured her like you're trying to pressure your sister?

At the heart of this is your mum refusing to accept professional carers.

You and your daughter have chosen to provide the care yourselves, but that doesn’t place any onus on your sister to do it too.

From my perspective, your arrangement sounds claustrophobic and dangerously all-consuming. Your sister is sensible to steer well clear.

Your sister has put a boundary in place. You can only ask and she’s said no. Anyone can put a boundary in place and hers is to not help her sibling, niece and mum out for a weekend. I would go on your holiday and sort carers for that weekend. Perhaps your sister could help organise that? YANBU though and I’m sorry your sister has refused.

Also, please know that it is entirely inappropriate of you to expect your daughter’s cousin (with young child in tow!) to administer medicines under the circumstances you describe.

I don’t know where everyone is getting the idea DD never has time to do things.
Shes not long back from a two week holiday.
I work 3 days a week so I’ve been doing other days, tomorrow she’s taking her kids to the zoo and I’ll do the afternoon and evening visits! It’s not some case of her being there all day with no support.

Like I said, DD is free to go on holiday any time, her brother and I step in. In the evening it’s a 3 minute walk from DD to my mums, she does it while she walks the dog and and she’s in for all of 5 minutes making sure mum takes her pills. Mum doesn’t need someone to stand over her she just won’t take them unless someone is there, she doesn’t put up a fight if someone is there.

I feel like people are making up a version of this, that simply isn’t reality based on limited information and I have no idea why?

But you’re not free to go on holiday, are you? And you are desperate to.

So it’s not a great arrangement.

I can go on holiday at a different time from at least one of my children. I haven’t as that hasn’t been possible.
Thanks to my nieces help we will definitely get 5 days away, and I could in the future just go on holiday myself or with one child each year rather than both.

I feel like I’m losing my mind and people keep making up things or exaggerating things.

Then why did you start a post saying your family needs more help and your DSis should do it if you’ve got everything sorted?

You haven’t been on holiday for three years, you say.

I don’t doubt you’re losing your mind, you’re under a lot of unrelenting pressure.

But it’s not a good idea to displace all your annoyance and disappointment onto your sister. She’s not the problem. Your mum’s refusal to accept carers is.

Please just watch you don’t burn out.

YABU your daughter and yourself have chosen to become carers and you cannot obligate someone else to do the same even if it’s only for a week . You have options , which is outside carers but you are bowing down to your mothers resistance to this . I don’t blame your sister as she probably realises that by doing it once she will have set a precedent and it will become the norm for her to step in .