AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

It seems unfair that she won't help but is there a back story, has she a poor relationship with her dm or you?

Your dd needs to step back and get your dm to pay for carers. Fine obviously to do visits and shopping but 3 visits a day with young kids is crazy, she'll end up ill.

Your mum is being selfish. I will never, ever allow my DS to deprive himself of a fulfilling life because he has to centre everything around me when other options are available.

Its your choice to help your mum out and your daughters choice to be her nan’s carer rather than working. Why do you think that you get to make the choice on your sister’s behalf?

Is she not planning on going back to work then?

OP, I have no idea why posters are saying you are being unreasonable. You and your daughter are amazing, you love your mum and you are doing your best to make sure she is happy and cared for. That's commendable and you are obviously very kind people. Yes no one has to take care of their elderly parents but I would think most people would want too especially for a one off weekend. Most of the people I know in real life all help out with elderly family members when they can. Your sister sounds selfish. She would be doing it as much for your family as for your mum. Yes, your mum should accept outside help and other carers (especially to ease the burden off you and your daughter) but your sister should want to help out once in a while (unless there is some massive backstory of abuse or something).

You can’t make anyone else do any care. I’m sorry.

Sod that for a game of soldiers she needs carers

EatMoreChocolate44 it is unreasonable to expect the sister to undertake caring responsibilities and to not accept the sister has boundaries; OP has asked (not unreasonable) and sister has declined (also not unreasonable).

You can’t force people to do something they don’t want and that’s something you have to face

you might be right in thinking less of them as a result - lazy and selfish spring to my mind

you do need to get a break and I think this is time to work out what’s happening next - your mother refusing carers - dictating your life - is wrong - although commonplace it seems with dementia

Why not contact adult social care for an assessment for carers? She could get 3 or 4 visits a day from carers. It will make it easier all round.

The mum has rejected the idea of external carers, it has been shut down as an option.

In the nicest possible way though sometimes the person being cared for needs to be told “tough” you can’t expect your family to work to burnout point just because you would prefer not to have carers coming in.

I think too often family members (mainly women) are made to feel guilty when they can’t do it all but they are entitled to a life too. A mum of little ones shouldn’t be needing to plan her life around visits 3 times a day that’s not sustainable or fair on anyone.

Agree.

This, and it’s often those that are happy to martyr themselves who are shocked and appalled that others won’t play their game.
why is it the person with boundaries who says “no!” who’s seen as in the wrong, rather than the person who needs formal carers but won’t accept it?

It’s always unreasonable to decide what other people should do with their time. Do only what you’re happy to do with no expectation of others.

I think that you OP and your DD are wonderful people and your DSIS a selfish bitch but of course you can't force her to help if she doesn't want to. Does she ever visit her own mother ? She should realise that one day she will be old and may need help herself, perhaps her own family should treat her as she treated her own mother.

Yes but the sister is selfish. We all need help now and again in life. Why would you not help out a family member if you could. Especially as a one off especially when so little is asked of you.

Get carers in and start backing away. It’s too much for families and I can see why dsis does not want to join in. It’s far too much and DM needs to accept other help.

You can’t force someone in to a caring role.
If I was you, I’d look into a nursing home for the week - the one my relative was in used to keep a few rooms for temporary residents, carers on holidays or having had hip/knee replacements etc. You never know, she might like it and want to stay!

That’s not being at home with her children, that’s running herself in circles as a 24/7 carer.

Your DM is the unreasonable person for not allowing those who care for her to have external carers, so that they can go on holiday every year.

Book a 2 week holiday

The only person stopping you going is yourself !

Isn't it a shame that parents don't know how a child will turn out and are "obliged" to look after the nasty ones as well as the loving ones? Doesn't seem fair.

It is unbelievably selfish to accept care but only from family members. Either you cope without care or you accept people paid to do it so your family can get on with their own lives. Your dd has small children, I can’t believe you as a mother are not saying no to her doing care!

Your dd should be getting at least 4 weeks off a year. If you can’t manage that as a family then paid care is needed. Either carers coming in or respite. Or you might have to think about using a home.

Your sister is right to refuse to prop this up.

I’ve already told my dcs do not do care for me, arrange the external people, yes. Chose a nice home and visit me, yes. But do actual care- no.

Time for a change. Your poor daughter.
Sister probably doesnt want to be sucked into it.

Your sister should help but you can't make her, only keep explaining that it's a small ask compared to what the rest of you are doing, but would massively help.

Maybe OP’s DSis is side-stepping a family hierarchy where you are expected to do exactly as your DM says, even if you are a full grown adult with children of your own?
None of us have the back story or indeed need the back story, but OP’s DSis is entitled to make her own choices as she see fit.