AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

You aren't unreasonable that you shouldn't be doing this much, and that you need to step back. You are placing the blame incorrectly though, your sister is allowed to have boundaries and so are you. You need to stop giving more of yourself than you are happy with. Your mum is not entitled to make demands on you that destroy your health and wellbeing and a good mum who has the capacity to understand the real impact that her care needs are having on her daughter would instantly agree and would not want that level of sacrifice.

Start saying no, start stepping back. Keep social services informed but uphold your boundaries and be firm that you cannot do everything. You love your mum. What energies you have should be spent enjoying the time there is left, not doing unpaid drudge work. Set out what you can happily do without detriment to yourself and your other family members and absolutely refuse to do more than that.

You have to accept your sister won't help. You will never know why.

However, I think you need some.additional.protective mechanisms in place and your mum has to accept that you and dd need to have breaks for your own health and wellbeing. That includes accepting temporary carers or a week in respite.

What would happen if your dd was unwell, broke her arm or something, or of one of the children were ill?

I would recommend your dd has a carer's assessment and I hope she is claiming carer's allowance. There is also attendance allowance although I'm not sure of that can be claimed alongside carer's.

Your mum is 84 and unwell and is presumably only likely to become more unwell. In my opinion, a short period with carers may be helpful as a transition and perhaps a carer once a day would suppprt your dd and your mum over the longer term and mean that in an emergency it doesn't come as a shock to your mum.

This is about transitions which work better when introduced gradually rather than as emergency responses.

I agree.

Just because you and others are willing to mould your lives around your DM doesn't mean that your sister has to do the same.

Noone is obligated to be a carer. It is in fact illegal to try to coerce or pressure someone into caring duties that they feel unable or unwilling to do.

You sister has clearly articulated her boundaries. Stop trying to trample over them.

It is your choice and your daughters choice if you opt to provide care. I imagine your DD is claiming carers allowance, and this allows her to stay home with her children and so why she is doing it.

If family members can't or don't wish to provide care, then external carers need to be found.

By the time you've retired in a few years time your DM's needs will be much greater than they are now. It's the sad reality that she is currently the best she's going to be, and she's on a downward trajectory. As others have said, it would be sensible to start planning ahead for outside help or a home.

Your mum is being very selfish refusing any outside care. She could stay in respite for a week?
Your sister is being sensible to not get dragged in. Your poor daughter should be concentrating on her own family not your mum. If mum can't be trusted to take her meds she needs to be in care. It's a huge responsibility to put on people.

This is really unfair on your daughter who has children to care for.

You can’t make someone else take on a responsibility they don’t want. You also don’t have to do as much as you do- there comes a point where your mother can’t refuse external care if she’s reliant on others.

Your dd needs to step back and get your dm to pay for carers. Fine obviously to do visits and shopping but 3 visits a day with young kids is crazy, she'll end up ill

I say from personal experience that once you are sucked in to giving so much time and care it begins, after a while, to seem quite normal and you just slog on with it because you are blind to other options. But it really, really isn't normal to have to keep up with this pressure for years. It takes a toll.

I think you are over estimating how much DD actually is there. It’s understandable. But all In DD is probably there about 2 hours a day which is less than any job around us would have her work and it’s flexible as I often help.

Your daughter gets £80 a week only for carers allowance! Has she been asked level if she’s still happy to carry on? Without her feeling she has to say yes of course and can be honest? I adored my granny but looking after the kids is a full time job without her granny being another job on top! One of my Aunts couldn’t cope with seeing how her mum had deteriorated and didn’t want to see her like this so the rest of us were left managing her. Ended up in a lovely home safe and we could go back to having family visits without being carers for her again.

Dioes your daughter claim Carers Allowance for her grandma?

She’s already got a full time job though!!! Her small children and home duties and spending time wit her family and husband should be prioritised!! You get to go to work and get away from it!!! It’s VERY different to being at home and caring for your relative as well as small children!!

DD doesn’t qualify for carers allowance as she doesn’t meet the minimum hours of caring.
Her husband is able to support them both though and DD is likely to return to work in a few years when her youngest starts school and I retire so can take over.

Nobody would be saying she shouldn’t do it, if it were a 40 hour a week job?
DD wants to do it!

My daughter volunteered, it works well for her, she gets more time with her children than she would if she had been back at work already, is always able to do school drop off and pick up, nativity plays etc

But between her caring responsibilities and her children, when does she get time and headspace for herself? I'm not saying this to be unkind, I've actually been there at the coal face of this situation and you just don't realise how not normal it is and how burnt out you're getting. A little bit of outside help now might prevent a complete collapse of the situation later. The years pile up.

I don’t understand this. If she were working 9-5, 5 days a week no one would be asking these questions, despite it being more hours.
Like everyone else who works she has time to herself in the evening, one Saturday night a month I have the children and on another night her in laws do. I always do all the care for my mum over this Saturday and Sunday.

I don't understand your logic about your DD working FT? It's not an either/or situation. She isn't getting paid for caring for her grandmother. How has caring for her grandmother enabled her to be a SAHM? Surely, it's her husband's salary that is the deciding factor there?

I’m confused. You’re not happy because you want to have the extra few days for a holiday. Posters are telling you how to achieve this. But nothing is acceptable because you’re all very happy with how things are.

So what’s your question? Is it just to have a moan about your sister because she’s not obediently doing what her mum and you want?

I’d be more annoyed at my mum for resisting external carers while other family members run themselves ragged tbh. How nice for her to have the luxury to refuse them, knowing other people will fill the void.

I think it’s amazing your daughter does this for free. I assumed she was getting some money. I know it’s her grandparent but three times a day and she’s got young children is really admirable.

Being a parent is a choice. Being a child is not.

This is about transitions which work better when introduced gradually rather than as emergency responses

Exactly. Took me 8 years to figure that out and another few months to shake off the guilt. But it shouldn't have. It worked fine. I should have listened to people.

If she's only doing 2 hours a day she isn't eligible and claiming would be benefit fraud. Chances are she's doing it for nothing and the GCs lives are arranged around grannies care needs.

Book her into a place for respite care for a week?
Carers for a few days? Tell her you’re going away and someone will be popping in 3 times to do her food.
Just book the holiday!! We did do the canaries for 5 days and it was fine but if you can do more then great.

It’s not like you’re trying to put off care home costs if she’s in a council house. You can’t do this forever. Take a break while you can!