AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

Just from reading your posts they sound like an amazing, grounded, lovely couple and I suspect they will make wonderful parents.

In terms of careers, whenever I see one of these posts I think of my cousins. The eldest got pregnant when she was 18, my father (who acted as a father figure to them after their father died young) was devastated saying she would now never go to university or have a career and her life was over. Her younger sibling swore it would never happen to him and was very careful.

I lost touch when my father died, but looked them up 20 years later. She was a visiting professor in a European university, and had a huge list of publications and public appearances. She had built a wonderful, fulfilling and meaningful career (in the same profession as my father) alongside her happy family.

Her sibling was still working in the (now technologically obsolete) family business he had inherited from his father and mine, never having gone to university, divorced and on dating sites.

I know which life I'd rather my dc had.

You say birth control doesn’t fail, but then list various rates of failure? So it clearly does fail.

The failure rates look low but if you think the UK population aged 16-65 is ~43 million

Let’s say 2/3 of them are in relationships or having sex on average once a week. Probably a conservative estimate given that 1/3 are already excluded as celibate.

So 28 million people having 14 million shags per week. Not all of them will be using contraception but probably most, let’s say 10 million shags per week involve contraception.

Looking at your list and taking an average failure rate of around 0.475% (probably lower than reality as I imagine condoms, the least reliable, are also the most prevalent), that is 47500 contraceptive failures per week, or ~ 2.5 million per year. Obviously they don’t all result in pregnancies but contraceptive failure is not that unusual.

That's unfair. It's only natural that OP would have hoped her daughter would qualify and have a couple of years teaching before having a child. And the husband have time to improve his earnings..
She's now seeing the positives as well as fearing the negatives so all's well..

Don't be ridiculous. My daughter was born holding my iud in her hand. A few of my friends have babies conceived while on the pill.

Those stats are when the contraception is used perfectly and it's rarely perfect in real life. Real world success rates of various contraceptive methods are different.

Long-acting methods like IUDs and implants exceed 99% real-world effectiveness. Daily pills, patches, and rings drop to about 91% due to missed doses, while barrier and behavioral methods range from 76% to 82% efficiency in typical daily use.

Ah yes, I would feel the same.
However as everyone has pointed out it will work out in the end. It's just not what you had in your head for her and you're allowed to feel disappointed for a bit.
I'm sure you won't let her know that and you'll soon be excited about the baby.

It sounds like she wants a career in teaching. So that’s fine if she takes a break now her degree is finished, before doing the teacher training course. People start teacher training courses at all ages and all stages of life. Even if she spends a few years now focusing on being a mum, after that she can then start her career as a teacher - which is a great job and can fit around her family needs. So all sounds promising to me.

God OP, they sound like a dream team.

Since she is apparently happy enough to have kids, she could potentially have two by 25 - THEN start working full time and never have that tricky exhausted period to take off work just when she’s getting traction. Don’t forget she’ll have a stonking 43 years left to work even if she didn’t do anything before then.

LOTS of people don’t start teacher training until mid twenties.

The fact that she could teach a few (or a lot!) music lessons along the way is fantastic. Make sure both her and her DH if he is self employed are well set up with business bank accounts (mettle gives free agent accounting software that will keep expenses and invoicing, tax planning etc on track). No debt! No agonising about what to do! Young and married and full of energy for kids! Married to a man who you say is really helpful and contributes to the home (who could actually buy a fixer upper and fix it up in the future, something increasingly out of reach).

I know it might not be how you had envisaged it but it really could be so much worse. They sound like fantastic young people tbh.

Congratulations op, a grandchild to love.. This is good news.
The timing might not be perfect but it could be so much worse.

It's very difficult in the UK (and I would say in Scotland in particular) to escape the social class you were born into. Especially if there is a boyfriend, now husband, pulling you away from your new life.

I suspect it's more likely than not that she will resettle into the community and life she started out in and perhaps end up in a more modest, working class job.

But is that such a bad thing? If she's happy? (And by happy I mean not being drained of energy, ambition and potential by a less intellectually and socially able partner.)

There's a lot to be said for living in a tight-knit community, surrounded by people you know and love. Social mobility, and geographical mobility, aren't everything!

Looking at your list and taking an average failure rate of around 0.475% (probably lower than reality as I imagine condoms, the least reliable, are also the most prevalent)

@noonames Yes, that's why when my DD asked me for advice on contraception, I advised her to never ever rely solely on condoms! They probably did take a risk and pregnancy is the result, but they won't do it again.

My DD also arrived a couple of years earlier than planned due to DH and I taking a risk...😁

And I agree with the PP who cast doubt on birth control failure, as it is extremely rare.

If that really is the case then I would expect her to be very, very keen to find out why.

Devastated

There are far worse situations your DD could have found herself in than married and pregnant.

You know what, it's very young and I think it's understandable to feel disappointed.

However, they are in love, they got married, they're about to buy a house, they are both hard workers...they have a lot going for them! And she's only 22. Her degree will keep and she can pretty easily go back to teaching in the future.

I'm just saying it could be a LOT worse. In many ways this could work out great. When the child is older they could both be going to school together! School holidays will mostly be off together etc. There are positives here, too, @Postmanpatri. Allow yourself to feel the disappointment and then try to focus on said positives.

Yes I do worry about that, then again I don’t think they ever planned to move particularly far it was always either the village we live in, the town his parents live in (10 minutes up the road!) or the village just passed that. It’s maybe not the nicest part of the world, but we are probably one of the nicer parts of our council area, 20 minutes to the beach in the car, 40 minutes on the train to a big city, so I suppose they were never really keen to be social climbers. They have a few close friends, his parents and me are near by, plus my mum. My older son is 10 minutes away, it is a close knit little community.
Of DDs 3 closest friends from school, all 4 of them stayed at home, went to uni in the nearest big city, 2 of them including DD to a Russell Group. I think by all accounts they are quite happy here!

Young people are doing this now because rents are unaffordable for them. Best way to save for a deposit. If you have kind, loving parents who support you, then I don't see the issue if it works for all involved, It's how my parents and grandparents once lived and it still works in Italy.

I was married at 18 (baby on the way) and a mum at 19. Did my degree at 27, professional qualifications shortly after. Was an FD at 34 and an FD of a FTSE 250 several years later.

She has her whole life ahead of her. Let her live it however she chooses.

T.b.h I think you should respect her decisions and her choice of partner. In years to come, as AI strips away so many career choices (including teaching), being a Joiner may be a fabulous career choice.

Devastated is a strong word OP.
You would be devastated if DD became very sick and her life shortened. She and her husband sound sensible. Let them crack on with their lives. You will gain a grandchild and DD can pursue her career later on.

She sounds very sensible and they seem to be working hard towards their goals. Music teachers are in very high demand. It is quite a feat for such a young couple to have so much in savings already. Congratulations!

I know DD was on the pill, it was kept in the same medicine cabinet as my medicine and every morning she would remind me to take it, I don’t know how I didn’t notice she hadn’t been for the last week or so! I think it’s because they were just back from their honeymoon so I’d got into the routine of doing it myself!

She’s the perfect age physically to have a baby. She sounds intelligent and sensible. She’s married, is saving for a house and has a plan. She has plenty of time to do a pgce. My dsis had a baby when she was 21 and just finishing off her degree. Didn’t stop her. She bought a house at 22, married at 23, and had her second baby at 26. Her oldest is nearly 20 and her youngest 14. Her life is lovely!

Having a baby doesn’t stop you progressing in your career. I was pregnant when finishing off my masters and started a doctorate when dc was 3.

Sounds like a lovely life, I can see why she'd be keen to stay local!

Why are you 'devastated'?

She got her degree, she is married and it sounds like you don't live in an expensive part of the country and that they will manage to buy their first home.

She will be able to do her teacher training after she has had the baby.

It's hardly the end of the world!

If he's a joiner and not earning good money there's something wrong.

Also perfect age to have a baby, younger pregnancies are generally easier on our bodies and less risk of complications. We're fitter, stronger and have much more energy to have a child at that age. It definitely gets harder when you leave it until later.

He works for the local council, and earns about 35k I believe. Which yes is good money for around here, but I suppose it just doesn’t seem like enough to raise a baby when DD is currently only doing 20 hours a week at a local cafe and some tutoring jobs.