AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

This was pretty much me. Married whilst still at uni and then pregnant at 22. No money. No plan. And I'm certain my parents felt the same as you did but never expressed it. I was at a top uni, loads of potential etc. We had two kids who are now late teens. We're still married. We juggled work and career possibilities. I have a brilliant career in the sector my degree was in and it's worked out pretty identically to how it would have done if we'd have waited, it's just been a little back to front. We're now early 40s and concentrating on our careers more than ever with two amazing, independent children. Don't write her off for taking an atypical path. Support her, she'll be fine.

I fell pregnant before my degree was even finished, to a completely unsuitable violent man. I ended up living back with my parents and had on paper absolutely destroyed what should have been a very promising life.

It was a hard few years but I have a life most people would dream of now, and earn well
in the six figures (my child is now 18). If I had had a husband who was supportive and already working, those early years would have been fine too.

Her life definitely is not ruined. It’s just not how you envisaged it. As others have said though, the young marriage was already a very strong indicator that this was likely to be their path, or they wouldn’t have settled down so early. So it can’t have been too much of a surprise really.

Update upthread - They live here as they were saving for a house deposit, but she immediately said they would move out before the baby was born.

Why aren't you happy to have a grandkid?

She has a music degree, even better.

She could even start music lessons and grinds now and work all the way up to the birth and also it allows her flexibility when the baby is young.

She's an intelligent young lady. I've no doubt she will be fine.

Yes she already offers music tutoring both in her instruments and for highers/advanced highers alongside working in a cafe part time. She is a smart girl I’ve never doubted that!

I can understand your feelings OP but the positives are she has completed her education & she does sound like she has her head screwed on (offering to move out asap)

Are you beginning to feel a bit more positive about this yet?

I undestand the shock but this isn't a devasting, negative thing.

This is equally a really valid point. You have effectively supported them playing at being grown ups. They should have been standing on their own two feet before taking the huge step of marriage, and then they may have been a bit more careful. They have the huge commitment of marriage without ever having properly lived together as independent adults. I think I’d be more upset and worried about that than the baby.

Yes hearing some of these lovely comments has definitely helped, I think it just took me totally by surprise and I instantly thought of all the negative aspects of it.

You're devastated that your DD has achieved educationally, got qualified, fallen in love and you will have a grandchild?

I think you are being astoundingly negative and narrow-minded.

Congratulations on your soon to be grandchild. Sounds like a lovely supportive couple with good careers, supportive families and switched on.

Sounds like they’ll make a success and you have reason to be proud of how they are handling the news.

I'd be gutted too. Once you have kids your life is over

The thing is though, it is her life. She is choosing how she wants to do things. As she should be.
I really hope you didnt show even a glimmer of devastation or disappointment at her lovely news. I had a parent who's face said it all. Needless to say, 20 years down the line I have minimal contact with that parent.

Congratulations. If your dds partner is a joiner he should be getting a pretty decent wage. I don't think I know a poor joiner 😂

I.understand it's a shock and I am not belittling that. But please remember that when the baby arrives you will love them so much and your daughter can go into teaching at any time. It's a good career and can be fairly flexible.

I agree with this.

I can totally understand why you are a bit shocked as it was unexpected, I would be too, but they sound like they are sensible, and they have good support around them.

Plus she still has her degree, maybe she won’t be using it just now, but she will always have that in future.

It’s not that well paid at all, unless it’s different in Scotland. My friends husband is a joiner and only earns about 45k with many years of experience.

It will be a hard road though. It’s hard enough as it is without juggling a child and the expense of not working for a year. I suppose as her husband is a tradesman he might be able to do the before care drop offs and then finish work before school finishes.

I was 21. Don’t be like my parents they were totally unsupportive to me and my long term partner now husband. Nearly 18 years on I still get told I put the cart before the horse and that’s why we are financially not as well off. Had a big effect on me

YANBU to feel however you feel, however YWBVU to express how you feel to her.

My mum felt similar when I got unexpectedly pregnant aged 23 (I had graduated and done an MA, but had just started graduate medical school and she was convinced that was the end of that), with the added issue that now-DH and I weren't married or even engaged and had actually only been together for less than a year. She wouldn't have wanted me to have had a termination, but her default assumption that I'd have to give up medical school and the 7 months of handwringing, bemoaning my fate and alternating between trying to pressure me into a shotgun wedding and reminding me I didn't have to stay with DH if I didn't want to didn't make for a particularly enjoyable or easy pregnancy.

12 years on I have absolutely no regrets - DS1 is amazing, I did stay at medical school and become a doctor, which I love, (though I have further negatively affected my career prospects in DM's eyes by going on to have two more kids, taking a year off each time and always working part-time, so I'm still quite junior) but my relationship with her has never really recovered.

I was quite frankly completely freaking out myself about unexpected impending parenthood and whether or not we would cope, and instead of being calm and supportive (or at the very least quiet, and venting her concerns elsewhere!) she needed me to reassure and calm her down constantly. It was draining and made me realise I couldn't actually rely on her. I now keep all problems and worries (cancer scares, exam failures, work issues, financial problems, issues with the DC) completely to myself until they either go away, I have dealt with them or I have as much info as possible and really have to tell her because she's going to notice 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Sorry @Postmanpatri but you do and say nothing.

She is 21 not 12.

She has a plan, has saved, worked to get her degree, married her high school sweetheart.

Ok the timing might be a bit soon after graduation but thats not prohibitive to her career.

One of my closest friends is a very successful head teacher, she found out she was pregnant during her final exams, went on to do her pgce and has had an outstanding career.

Take a step back and look at your dd. You have raised her well. Trust her.

It's a huge shock and of course you're concerned about their futures - but your DD and her DH sound so smart and capable, I think they'll cope with this, and she'll get back to her career in a couple of years.

My mum was 23 when she had me. She had finished her degree and was married. I definitely recommend having a younger mum. She had enough energy for us and another bonus - my grandparents were young enough to be very involved. Enjoy your new grandbaby OP!

I had kids at 21/23 and tbh it was a doddle I had boundless energy, could cope without sleep. I’d done plenty of fun stuff in my late teens so I didn’t feel I was missing out particularly. The only hard bit was getting up the career ladder that didn’t really start until youngest went to nursery at 3 so I was 26 when i started my career. But it worked out.
what it does mean is that once your kids are adults you are only in your early forties so plenty of years to travel/ take time for you. (Unless like me you go mad and decide to have a third child at 37!!)