AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

This.

I would feel as you do OP, I feel (and a lot of people will disagree) that early 20s is far far too young to be married and pregnant. I would feel its a bit of a waste.

But you are where you are, the baby is coming, and you need to make peace with it. It could also be a lot worse: she has a degree, he has what sounds like a stable job and they are married and happy. I think it’s a case of bite your tongue and count your blessings.

She can still use the degree when the baby is older.

"Doesn't seem any point in her going to Uni and getting a degree and getting into £50,000 worth of debt" @PrettyLittleRose

No tuition fees for Scottish students.

@Postmanpatri you may be mourning the loss of your expectations for your daughter, devastating is a bit strong.

As for your son in law, he's a joiner which is a brilliant trade and he'll never be out of work.

I am not sure what you mean ?

Give you a grandchild, maybe she doesn’t want a grandchild (yet or ever). I want my girls to be settled, happy, with good jobs and steady relationships and nice homes before they think about babies. I don’t want them to “give” me a grandchild before then (although of course if it happens, I’ll be all in).

The issue I have with some of these stories (maybe not so much in this case) is that we’re all for supporting girls/young women to have their babies if they want to, but the impact on the grandparents and wider family is just to be accepted as collateral damage of that decision. You see it a lot on threads on here where teenage couple have decided to have a baby. “Her body her choice so you’ll just need to give up your life to help her raise the baby. Soz”

”Give” her a grandchild. OP could still be working full time. Or just settling into retirement or whatever. Maybe she doesn’t want to be a granny yet.

Teachers are always in demand so I doubt she will have a problem picking up her teacher training at some stage in the future. Please don't think she has ruined her life. It sounds like she is in a stable relationship and you liker her DH. Actually OP, you have an awful lot to be thankful for. Don't worry about what people may think or say - she has not let herself down.

And a baby born into a loving family is always a blessing. You're going to be a Granny!😍It's the best job in the world.

As she wants to teach, she'll always have a job and can start later, and it'll fit around the family with school holidays etc. so I wouldn't worry on that score.

The bigger issue for me is that she got married while still living at home with you. That's not on really. If they're going to be grown ups, get married and have kids, they need to have moved out and got their own place. I know sometimes this is impossible, but they could easily have held off on getting married until they'd got a place sorted and could stand on their own two feet. Delayed rewards and all that. I wouldn't be happy about that and would be urging much more independence now so you don't get landed with childcare and funding commitments. They have to step up and take responsibility not just play at it.

Get a grip, she’s the perfect age to have a baby tbh. Sorted education, loving and stable relationship. This is all good. I’d be looking at property and thinking how you can help them in the next stage rather than being ‘devastated’

Thank you everyone, I think I’m just a bit shocked. I do believe that it wasn’t planned, I know she was on the pill, she used to take it in front of me when I took my morning pills so I do believe her. She was also drinking at her wedding just 4 weeks ago and she says she didn’t know until a week ago (she was anorexic as a teenager and her cycle has never been regular since).

Im also worried as her degree is in music and her goal is to be a music teacher, I just imagine there aren’t as many vacancies in music as there are in say science or maths.

She is a smart girl, and her husband is a really lovely man, very hard working. I guess I just thought we would be a few years out from a grand baby!

He’s got a good trade and she has a degree that she can use in a few years , it isn’t ideal but doesn’t sound like anything to be devastated about .

They did offer to move out at various points but it seemed pointless when they could live with me (I’d be totally alone otherwise), and not worry about rent. They have always helped with the bills, they are cleaner than I am and don’t cause me any trouble at all, her husband has practically redecorated my whole house, keeps my garden lovely and DD is always insisting I sit down and let her make dinner. Whenever I’ve had a doctors appointment or similar DD has always made an effort to be around to drive me to it and does the same for my mum. I don’t have any issue with them living here.

I think you are overreacting.

She's 21 not 12!

If she was to have an unplanned baby, there couldn't be a better time or better career path as teaching is one of those roles that most compatible with young children.

She'll be 26 when her child starts school. Only 26 when starting her career. A lot of people are only just beginning to decide what career they even want!

She's intelligent and also in a committed relationship which are further positives.

It would be far worse if she couldn't have children -believe me I know.

This is far from devastating. You're her mum. You job is to support her. Shake off your devastation amd realise it's not about you.

Jeez not like she’s 16..she’s clearly worked hard and has a stable relationship with her husband. Joinery is a great trade something that’s always going to be needed! It’s unfortunate they’d not got a place or her a job first but it will come. They also sound like a lovely couple.

I was 22 when I had my eldest son, I was training to be a nurse. I took a break, had him and went back to finish my training. Married his dad and had another son. We bought a house pre baby as we had no family locally to live with (or who we’d want to live with) but his family were furious and disappointed and my mum told me to get rid of my son. So that was nice.

Despite how you feel this baby is coming, I hope, given how you feel they find somewhere to live soon. 22 is young but it’s not the end of the world, my son is now 25! A lovely boy, has a great job and I couldn’t be prouder of him.i am Still a nurse too, having him made me more determined to do well and provide a nice life for us all, it’s perhaps not a high flying big money career but it’s well paid and provides for us well

I think it's a bit odd to get married so young and I would be concerned that it was driven by lack of confidence about forming relationships (particularly given her mental health history). But if the relationship is happy and fulfilling for her, a baby at this stage doesn't sound like a disaster or barrier to her having a decent job in the future.

"devastated" needs to be saved for "My 15 year old daughter is pregnant by an abusive drug addict"

Yeah I did this.

in all honesty, she’s got a degree, they are married and will be moving out.

I’m not seeing the issue

i did my pgce when my youngest went into school and taught for the next twenty years.

Based on the house price mentioned, the OP may be in my part of the country.

Most young women round here decide to keep their babies and wouldn't consider aborting for career reasons when they're in a stable relationship.

Yes, it's not uncommon.

Hi, I'm new here and been lurking a few days but I wanted to reply to your post. I totally understand your in your shock and why you feel the way you do but honestly it's not the end of the world. I was pregnant at 21, my daughter was born when I was 22 and we were married by the time I was 23. I am now 40 and my daughter is almost 18, we are both thriving, I have done well for myself with a career working with children and my daughter is about to enter her second year of college and apply for university, I have been with my husband for nearly 22 years and we are still going strong so it can work. Your daughter and her husband sound like a sensible level headed couple, they will be fine. And I can assure you that the moment you hold that little grand baby in your arms anything you feel now won't matter anymore and you wouldn't want to change a thing :-)

I think the important thing is that she has completed her education - I don't see that it needs to be a problem. As people have said, she has a lot going for her so I would say her prospects are still good, in fact she may benefit from starting a family earlier.

I got married straight from uni and had dc pretty much straight away.

We had a tough few years, but now my youngest has just finished his first year at uni and we're much freer, whereas my friends are still doing school pickups and talking about secondary school nerves.
Last couple of years, me and dh have holidayed alone (children could have joined us but had other things to do) at least once a year, and we go out together etc.

I'm glad we did it this way round.

It's maybe not the way you'd envisaged things, and yes in an ideal world your daughter would have her PGDE and probationer year done, and own their own home etc etc but having a baby and doing her PGDE aren't necessarily incompatible.
I teach on a PGDE and I've had several students take a break for maternity. If she's due in February/ March, she could get most of the course done and then return to do final placement. Or she could see if the university will defer her place until next year. I would let her have time to settle with this news and see what she decides to do about her course.

YANBU to be worried. Ultimately it is their choice but I do think they should have settled into some accommodation first. I guess there are advantages to having children young. She'll have time on her side for a career going forward.

I can see why you are disappointed though.

She is 22 and has a good degree, a good husband and will still be young once she finishes having a family so she can use that degree .I think it sounds positive.

I do understand your disappointment. However your son-in-law is only 22 but has a trade and can run his own business in the future if he wishes. I'd be happy with that.
A young woman who lives near me had her first child before embarking on teacher training. I'm sure it was very hard for a while but she's been working for some years now and still happily married.