AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

I qualified as a teacher when I was 26 as I decided to have a few years out of education/training. I don’t feel it was too late. I now train student teachers and supervise their inductions once they qualify. In my experience, some of the most effective teachers are the ones who have a little life experience behind them. Don’t worry! Good luck to her.

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Also confused on your opinions of their jobs.. surely a joiner would make double a teacher!

Congratulations @Postmanpatri you're going to be a granny! How lovely.

I understand it must be a shock, but please, please don't do what my mum did when I announced I was pregnant at that age. She told me she wasn't ready to be a grandma yet and that she wasn't going to help me in any way, shape or form. I ended up a (divorced) single mum, dragging myself through uni with 2 young children in tow. It was i credible tough and whilst I accept it was all my choice, I can't tell you what a difference having a mum that helped just a little would have made.
So please, what ever you do, don't let her know you're devastated, because it sounds like you have a lovely relationship this far.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be disappointed. 21 isn’t a normal age to have a baby for someone who went to university and had plans to start their career. Teacher training (and then actual teaching as a newly qualified) isn’t massively family-friendly so this will put her teaching career back several years, if she ever does it at all.

But- you would be unreasonable to voice this to her. It’s her life and she gets to make her own decisions. All you can do is be supportive and there to guide her if she needs help.

You dd and her dh sound like the type of people who are decent, hard working and just bloody lovely.

What can you do?

Get excited!

Two (young) young people have decided to do things a little differently.

They will do what we all did - figure it out as they go along.

Love is a beautiful thing OP and it seems that you have a lot of that around you.

Nothing can buy that.

It's ok. I know quite a few ppl who had kids young and it was fine. And the kids were really healthy and clever. And they will still.be young parents when the kids are adults and can enjoy loads of years together. Your daughter can start her career a bit later ans having a child will give her a good insight into child development. It's not the disaster you think it is.

Just wanted to say your daughter sounds really lovely. No doubt she'll be a great mum and a great teacher too once she's back at work.

This could work in her favour OP. In a year or so time she can get back on teacher training and have a fantastic career which won't later be interrupted. Quite a few teachers I know completed degrees and then had kids either just before or just after teacher training.
Now in their 30s when everyone else is going off to have babies they are able to snatch up all sorts of opportunities.

She's married to someone she's been with quite a long time and they've kept the relationship going while she was went to university, and he's got himself a reliable job. That's not easy. Most relationships end in the first year or university.

I know you might quietly be upset and have wanted a different order of things, but don't let them know. Please be happy and supportive or you could lose her forever. Another positive is you get to be a grandmother while still young and fit and will get to know your grandchild for longer than you otherwise would - time is precious and you've gained 10 extra years with your grandchildren!

It's not ideal but try to be proud of her for making a mature decision. The first year is hard and she may be struggling with having to delay her career so she will need your help these early years.

£35k where you live if a house is £150 is a brilliant salary. And he can always go more on the side if they need more.

Honestly it sounds like you’ve set them up for a lovely life 🥰

and you get to be a (presumably) young Granny 👵. That just sounds fantastic. My dd is 28 and probably not going to have children and I would love to be a granny so I’m dead envious. I can make shortbread and tablet !

Why on earth would it set her career back several years?! Presumably she'll take a year or 2 and then go on to training. Plenty of women work with kids, it's not the 1940s.

Teaching is one of the best careers to have children as you'll be off in the school holidays and can usually get term time only childcare arrangements.
And if he's self-employed then he'll be able to have lots of flexibility in his working hours too.

Your dd is married her husband has a good job. She has a degree under her belt. If they already had a house it would be more ideal but you say she has enough deposit. They will be fine. Congratulations to you all.

The only grandparent we have isn't very interested and has never even changed a nappy. Are you taking on grandchildren? We've got two lovely ones who would love to be spoiled by someone who is interested in them 😂

She sounds like she has positioned herself for a career whenever she decides to pursue it.
Consider if she established herself over years with no children and then had to decide to leave / pull back or try and work full time in a teaching job whilst looking after a small baby - often you have to drop income when returning and there's no good time to do that.
This way she will start by building it around the child or even children and she will still be young enough to build that career and it will only get easier.

Your daughter was me 58 years ago, OP, and my DH was actually slightly younger than me. This year we celebrated our 58th wedding anniversary, have 2 children in their 50s and 3 grandchildren in their 20s and wouldn't change a thing. Yes, it wasn't easy and we had to work very hard, but neither DH or I regret that early marriage or unplanned pregnancy. Being young parents and grandparents suited us and we both had good careers eventually.

It will be useful being a teacher during school holidays as your DD will more or less be on holiday whenever your DGC Her husband will be likely to make some of their furniture. I am sure with help from your side of the family and in-laws they will be fine. Your daughter and her husband are not teenagers .Wishing all of your family All the best.

We waited until 29 after one year of marriage. What followed was years of infertility and rising anxiety. I would not have worried at all if DS and GF were in this situation when they graduated after what happened to us.

What a negative Nancy you are. What a leap to say her degree was pointless!
This couple kept their relationship alive through university and somehow still managed to save up. They're living where they grew up and therefore have a network of family and friends on their doorstep. There's no reason she can't do her teacher training in a year or so.

Of course it won't hold her back. I completed a masters with a 1 year old while pregnant with baby number 2. I then went back to work on a higher salary because I was able to use my new qualification to obtain a better job where I worked. We don't keel over and die because we have a couple of kids. People have children every day and manage.

From this description, it all sounds wonderful. She can step back into her career plans once the baby goes to nursery.
I am shocked by the few posters who have said "do you know why she is keeping it?" She's a married woman, with a hard-working, loving husband, a degree, responsible, not a 15 year old! (And I say this as someone who, for various reasons, didn't have my first child until 40).

Your daughter is happily married, pregnant with her first child, and has earned a degree. What exactly is there to be devastated about? I'd be thrilled. Why is establishing a 'career ' some kind of sacred thing?

You're entitled to feel as you do, but honestly I'd be happy if my daughter (or son) gets happily settled with a partner who is going to look after them and the baby. No reason she can't do teacher training later-it'll maybe be an advantage she'll understand the parents perspective, and from a career view, she won't need to worry about taking maternity leave etc.
Biologically, it's better to have kids before 25 (a gynae told me) and it's more likely that grandparents will be younger/healthier and able to support.

I am so worried she is throwing her life away,
I absolutely hate this expression when a parent says it about their child, especially when it is around marriage, babies and uni.
They are not ' throwing their lives away', they are just taking a different route to the one they originally planned, or the ones parents ( usually mums) want them to do.

Actually your dd sounds like she has her head screwed in and is in great position. She has a lot going for her.

I work with many professional women across different departments who are in their early to mid 30s with children in secondary school. Some, like your dd got their degree and settled down quick, some did their degree while their children were babies and toddlers, all are doing well, with nice partners, homes and children.

I would love it if my DD did this. I did the "sensible" thing of using my twenties to build a career and go travelling - I didn't actually enjoy travelling that much, and I hated the career I was in. Even though I was with my DH from age 22, we didn't have a child until I was 32, and I ended up having a baby and doing my teacher training (my new career) all at the same time, 10 years later than your daughter. I then had secondary infertility, and didn't have my 2nd until 38, and then ran out of time to have my much wanted 3rd child.

I believed the crap that your 20s is for partying and travelling and building your career and having fun - but having fun for me was none of those things, it was having my children. My children have brought far more joy to my life than any partying or travelling. Everyone is different, and I hope she is doing what makes her happy, in which case, be happy for her.
And having children affects your career whatever age you do it at. In fact, I sometimes think having children before you start your career probably affects it less than having children in the middle, which is what most people do.

...or even 5 or 6 years finance allowing.. she'll be more mature, more experienced in child development, and still in her 20s. .....