Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

It does seem odd how this has come about, I wonder if MIL did mean both children, but it's only when BIL has questioned it that MIL told him, "actually I didn't mean eldest, I just meant youngest, but I'm happy to take them both". Which is why she is refusing to say anything to OP and her DH and will just take her regardless.

It seems odd that she would say I'm taking all the GC away, if she meant she only wanted the youngest? And surely it would take a bit of changing things round to include another child completely that you were not planning to originally take?

It seems that it's BIL that has the problem with it and MIL may be saying things just to placate him.. which is why he has now taken it upon himself to tell OP not to send her next time! MIL won't exclude her so BIL has intervened directly to make sure she is not included next time.

Could be wrong but there's something off about the whole BIL thing.

People with limited emotional intelligence will always have a hard time understanding the dynamics of a blended family and what they are working hard trying to achieve. A family that is a ‘real family’

And there is a sliding scale of what’s acceptable.

Differing amounts of money spent on Xmas and birthday presents to being excluded on family holidays. The latter - awful

Op maybe next time you and dh are having his family over only invite the ones who have a direct blood link to you or dh I’m sure they will understand

A word of warning about this OP, a lot of posters will tell you not to send your youngest if the oldest isn’t invited as you’re a family HOWEVER there have been several threads over the years from mother’s who stopped their younger children doing things with their families if their older half sibling wasn’t included and those younger children grew up to be extremely resentful about being denied those opportunities and relationships. It then greatly affected their relationship with their mother / older sibling, especially in the cases where the older sibling was going off and having time with their other parent’s family anyway.

Those mother’s were raising all their children to feel like full siblings and in a way where they were positive the younger ones would understand and agree it was the right decision but actually when they got older it backfired.

I remember one particular thread where the mum decided both her kids weren’t attending a wedding that her oldest wasn’t invited to and her youngest - by then a teenager - decided she was going anyway and was basically screw you to her mother / older sibling; years of resentment then finally spilled out about her being denied familial relationships.

While you have two children who you love equally, those two children have separate families and you need to look at them as individuals and not just a collective pair; the youngest shouldn’t have to miss out just because your oldest isn’t always included.

Tell your DH that some things matter more than saving money.

But above all, the integrity of your own family matters far more than whether your youngest sees her cousins. There is no way I would leave a step grandchild out when she’s basically the same age as the others. If your eldest was 16 it might be understandable but not when she’s the same age.

I wouldn’t send your oldest as she wasn’t actually invited. I’d send your youngest as she shouldn’t miss out on time with her cousins, presuming she wants to go.

I think it’s understandable that your in-laws want time with their grandchildren. As long as they treat her kindly when they see her, I wouldn’t worry. People like to say step children are the same but they’re often not the same to wider family and that is ok as long as they are kind to the children when they see them.

Talk to your MIL directly.
Your poor eldest surrounded by people determined to other her.

Only on MN have I really heard of this.
It is just a horrendous way to treat a child.
I so wish women would realise this is the reality in some families when you have a second family.

I don't think any man is worth what this must do to the child.

You cannot force people to want the child that comes with you as a package.

I couldn't bear to be around this calibre of people, so determined to draw such lines.

I completely agree with this and the poster who said it's really nice of the MIL to take the grandchildren away, but everyone seems to miss the point that she is only trying to do something nice for and with her grandchildren. I think also the fact the OPs oldest and the grandchild who is the same age don't appear to get along very well plays a part. If they would be happy entertaining each other it would be a lot easier for MIL to bring her along. It could also be that grandchild who is the same age has said they would prefer if OPs child isn't there as they are always expected to play with each other but they don't want to.

They aren't habitually excluding OPs child and they are kind to her, but sometimes it's nice to do something with just a smaller group of your family. Sometimes me and my sister does something with our mum and our brother doesn't join, or sometime my brother and sister takes my dad out and I'm not invited. It's fine to include sometimes and sometimes not, it just depends on what makes sense in each situation.

Sorry OP but on this I think you are being unreasonable. Of course they might feel differently about their grandchild. Expecting their faces to light up at the sight of your child - that would be lovely of course - is unreasonable. You have said that they are not unkind, and have agreed to take your daughter this time, but I think you are unreasonable to expect them to have the same feelings for an unrelated child as they do for their grandchild. You love your daughters equally and hopefully DH does too, but I'm not sure yo can expect the same from everybody. My brothers partner has children, and I don't feel the same about them as I do his biological children. The feelings just aren't there.

Agree with this.
Why should MIL be expected to take an extra (non related) child along, when the parents arent coming?
Seems like she already will have hands full with her 2 grandchildren, plus she may not be comfortable having to deal with potential bad behaviour/disciplining a child she doesn't know well and isnt her grandchild to tell off etc.
Also good point re: cousin, who seems to only have a superficial relationship with OP's eldest. Maybe she doesn't want to spend her holiday forced to play friends with a child (for whatever reason) she isn't that keen on. At the age of 9 most children make their own friends and know if they've got things in common or not.
If OP's eldest had no dad or his extended family on the scene, that's completely different. But they do and should be spending some of their holiday with them,not pushed to OPs in laws.

The youngest is not included when the oldest sees her dad because the youngest is not, and never has been, part of a family with the OP's ex.

The oldest is - and has been, since she was 2 - part of a family that included the OP's husband and MIL. The oldest can, indeed, understand that she is not blood and so might not be included in e.g. a holiday for that reason. Doesn't mean she won't be hurt by it - you'd hope that, after seven years, her step-dad's family might have warmed to her, especially as she was so young when they all met.

Instead, there's resentment and Othering.

My younger (half)sibling got the chance when when they were about 10 or 11 to spend a summer abroad with their father’s family. They had a brilliant time.

Was I jealous! Hell, yeah. Did it build lifelong seething resentment? No.
They had a different dad and so sometimes did stuff with ‘that side’ of the family. That’s life 🤷‍♀️
(And no, I had no relationship with my dad’s side so it didn’t even out, but that was ok too).

Its understandable you feel sad/angry for your eldest but that often is the reality of blended families.

The child isn't non-related, she is part of a family.
I stopped reading your post at that point.

So family is restricted to -

1. Blood relatives. or
2. Someone you personally chose to join.

Further exclusion for anyone that has parents or siblings of their own.

So nobody is extending an invitation to daughters or sons in law for family events.
They aren't blood.
They weren't personally selected.
They could go to their own family to celebrate.

OR we just invite the people important to the people we love without evaluating them as strictly necessary or not. Extending the welcome doesn't diminish your other relationships.

Its not like we can run out of kindness and there won't be enough left over.

If your MIL said “kids” then I would think she meant your DD as well, otherwise she’d have said grandkids.

Your DH is being very stupid not speaking to his mother to clarify things. You (joint you) need to know if this is his whole family’s opinion or if it’s his siblings opinion.

They should be able to have time with their grandchildren without other children being there. The parents chose to blend their family, the wider family didn’t. As long as they are kind to OPs oldest child when they see her, there shouldn’t be an issue. There is a difference because she has a different dad. Thats ok. I think this pressure by some to make step kids ‘the same’ in every way actually causes the issues.

I wouldn't send her where she's not wanted

I also wouldn't expect her to be invited. Your MIL wants to spend time with her grandchildren: your eldest isn't her grandchild.

Surely you’re not genuinely surprised by what they think in their heads?

They don’t think your eldest is the same because frankly, your eldest isn’t the same.

They are extending invites to OPs DD for other functions and get-togethers, this is just one holiday that the MIL would like to do with just her grandkids. If MIL loved OPs DD she would probably invite her, but it's very normal not to as well. I have step-siblings I don't love, my sister has a partner who has kids who I don't love. I like them as humans but I would much rather go on holiday with just my siblings and not invite my step-siblings. It's not wrong or mean to just want to spend time with and treat your grandchildren once in a while.

This is a child they've known since she was two years old. A tiny wee tot.

Just out of interest, would you expect an adopted child to also be classed as "not the same"?

Beautifully put.

I wouldn’t be trying to muscle in on my mil and her daughter doing a trip just because I am also a daughter in law.

There is a difference. If she wants to invite me cool (though I’d likely reject) but otherwise it’s a mum and daughter trip.

Judging from this thread a lot of people only invite blood relations.
So maybe you are part of the majority.

But I rather suspect this treatment isn’t given to sons in law or daughters in law.

It’s just for children.

Nope, I frequently do things with just parts of my family that share my blood. Like my children, my paretns, my siblings. I was on holiday with my sister a few months ago, I didn't invite her partner or his kids.

Responsible people in the MIL situation here would see the need to balance their desire to see just their bio-GCs with the degree of hurt it is going to cause their step-GCs.

Taking your 4-y-o half-sister for ice-cream and swing park occasionally? Not really problematic.

Including your half sister and All Her Cousins on a family thing, but not you? What a slap in the face! Even if you've got two kind grannies of your own, that isn't going to salve the hurt of knowing your step-gran doesn't see you as family and doesn't like you enough as a person to want you around.

With that kind of in-law dynamic going on, someone else (in this cse the OP) has to do the balancing. Grannies should be as wise as they are old and recognise that a thoughtful mother is going to look out for all her children, not just the ones that granny thinks matter.