Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

If your MIL said kids then she was including all and your husband did not misunderstand your BIL is clearly the problem since he is also making comments about does she always have to come. Ask which the eldest prefers to do and let her go if that’s it. You seem determined your MIL is the problem but she was being inclusive and your interpretation that she’s happier when the eldest isn’t there may be what you think you see and not her attitude do you not like her? Could you be making a problem that doesn’t have to be one Why not get your husband to sort his brother out instead and one of you ask MIL straight out what she would prefer. She sounds happy to take them all

@WindsorGreatPark has a good point.

Do you make your youngest go with her older sister when the she goes to her father's house or out with him?

I would expect an adopted child to be treated the same. This child is not adopted. This child has parents and grandparents. And also step parents and step grandparents. If everyone treated this child the same this child would have at least twice as much as the other children.

Step children should be treated with kindness and tolerance and shouldn’t be left out day to day. But blended families are difficult enough in all cases and they only work if you don’t lie to yourselves about actual human nature.

I know a woman whose stepdaughter gave her her “first grandchild”. She used up all the “first grandchild” kudos on social media and in cards and photo frames etc. A couple of years later she had broken up with her partner and she now doesn’t see the former stepdaughter or the former step grandchild.

What’s more is her first son has now had children - her actual “first grandchild”. Only she’s used up all the first grandchild credit so can’t seriously refer to the boy as such, even though everyone knows he’s her first grandchild!

That is in no way comparable to organising a holiday where you invite one child from a household along, but expressly exclude the other.

The youngest is not part of the ex's family, and never has been.

You mean like when OPs oldest DD gets invited to go away with her dad but the other child in the household (the younger half-sister) doesn't get to come?

Both half-sisters have separate paternal extended families that they do things with.

Is there a tiara in this story of evil in-laws?

They have known your daughter since she was three, and they don’t really accept her? Blimey.

I don’t know what I would do this year - I think the saving money thing complicates it.

But I would sit down after the summer with your husband and thrash this out because the same problem of them not embracing your daughter as part of the family will come up again and again. For me, if my (non existent) DH didn’t back me on this it would be a deal breaker. Then he could have his 50/50 or whatever and the youngest could see that side of her family on those times. But they are pitting your daughters against each other (your children know, it will become more pronounced over the years, it will affect them) and it will have a serious effect on your oldest. Rejection as a child will shape her personality, not in a good way.

If they feel able to reject her, if your DH feels entitled to allow it, then you must feel entitled to put a stop to this. For the sake of both of your daughters. You are the only person who sees you and your children as a team.

It would be a firm no from me. I have a blended family and where possible I expect the children to be treated equally. Your eldest is only 9, not a teenager, and so it would take very little effort from their part to form long lasting bonds.

If everyone treated this child the same, everyone would have an extra family member to cherish.

It is a sad situation when a child is begrudged the love and care of step-GCs because it would mean they had twice as much (twice ss much what, exactly?) as the other children.

What does he mean by affecting relationships?

I understand why you wouldn't want to send any of them if one is being excluded, when they're all siblings.

If MIL is happy and this has just come from BIL then I would ignore him.

Children, siblings and wider family don’t have to consider step relatives part of their family. Expecting a grandparent to include someone they are not related to by blood, and don’t feel the same familial connection or obligation towards, is unreasonable.

The husband has chosen to create a new family unit. Neither he or the OP get to decide whether other family members see the family relationships in the same way. Great if they do but too much damage is caused by trying to force relationships simply because two adults have chosen to get together when they already each have children.

The “adopted” argument is spurious (why not speak of children born of donor sperm
or eggs while you’re at it?). You think it’s a gotcha because adopted children aren’t blood either. It’s nothing to do with blood. It’s who we choose and don’t choose. An adopted child has no other parents - only these one or two adults are their parent(s). They’re chosen, wanted by the adopting parent(s). They’re arguably more than a blood relation, many of whom we wouldn’t actively choose but can’t “unadopt” out of our families.

Step-children who don’t have a second parent in their lives tend to be treated more like adopted children than step-children who have an active and ongoing relationship with both parents. The former step-child has nowhere else to go but this step-family, and it would be a cruel family that turns this child away. How could they be turned away? There’s nowhere else for them to go. They’re just children. This isn’t the case here. The eldest daughter has an active and ongoing relationship with her father and paternal family, likely unknown to the step-grandparents (rightly so, none of her business).

Step-children who have an active and ongoing relationship with both families have maternal and paternal extended families. These step-children often have looser ties to their step-families, eg calling step-grandparents by their names rather than “granny” and “grandad”.

What no step-child is, is chosen by the step-grandparents or step-aunt/uncle/cousin/etc. They can’t be, shouldn’t be etc, this is a matter between the biological parent and the non-biological parent who chooses to take them on because it’s the result of a romantic relationship between two people - not two people and their parents and siblings. Other relatives have no say, they have no rights….and therefore have no responsibilities. They can choose to assume responsibilities but they will never have any rights or responsibilities foisted on them.

When your eldest sees her father/father's side of the family does she go on her own or does the youngest have to go too?

Not a gotcha, just curiosity. I'm trying to understand how the posters who think differently from me see the situation.

Thank you for your contribution.

Sounds to me like BIL is the whole problem.

MIL invited both children, is happy to have both so Id send both

And id have DH speak to BIL about how DC are siblings and you wouldnt ask him to separate his kids so your child had more access to a preferred one. BiL can keep out of it

I find this such a silly argument and it crops up on these threads all the time. Ex’s family have probably never met the youngest. It’s completely different.

The point is the two half-sisters have different paternal extended families and it’s ok for the oldest dd to do things with just her paternal family, but a lot of people don’t think the same should be ok for the younger.

It is a sad situation when blood family relationships are damaged by parents trying to force step-relationships to a level their children and wider family do not want. Mumsnet is littered with stories of people who were forced into the so-called perfect blended family set-up and the irreparable damage that caused.

People should expect politeness from family, anything else is a bonus.

The older child is part of both family units - her dad's and her step-dad's.

The younger child is part of just the one.

The younger child has never been part of the OP's ex's family, probably hardly knows him, and has no expectations of him. When he takes older child off, the younger child isn't going to be hurt by his actions. Because he is a stranger.

The older child is part of a family whom she sees regularly and (I hope) feels part of. Favouritism and exclsuion coming from within family is gonna hurt her.

ETA I can't believe I'm actually having to explain this fundamental difference in familty-ups.

The youngest is not included when the oldest sees her dad because the youngest is not, and never has been, part of a family with the OP's ex.
The oldest is - and has been, since she was 2 - part of a family that included the OP's husband and MIL

Don’t you see the huge imbalance? The younger child is the half-sister of her older sister - so by your logic the elder child’s father’s family is excluding and othering the OP’s younger child. It cuts both ways.

But that’s up to the in-laws to decide if they consider OPs child to be the same as their grandchildren. It doesn’t even sound like OPs child considers them being her grandparents as she calls them by their first names and she doesn’t seem to have a natural place amongst the other grandchildren.

The very obvious difference being that the 9 year old lives with the Op's husband and they have a relationship.

I would be guided by my son's care for the 9 year old.

I trust what my son does. Not the Op's ex.

I would do the same as you. Wouldn’t send the eldest if I wasn’t sure she was completely welcome and if she wasn’t going I wouldn’t send the youngest either.

I find people who push the step kids onto extended family really annoying.

My sister tried it with her step children. Apparently we had to take them with us on a holiday with our nieces and nephew otherwise it wasn’t fair. In the end my older niece and nephew told my sister that they didn’t want their step siblings to come because they wanted time with us and their cousins. I think it finally sunk in then. People need to stop forcing relationships as they cause more problems.

My sister never expected her husbands sister to take her children, my nieces and nephew, away on holiday with her when she took her own nieces, my sisters step children. All the expectation was on us. Oh and my sister has now split up with her husband and hasn’t seen these step kids for years…..but they were “the same as her own children”……..lol.