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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

223 replies

MarieBaronelovechild · Today 12:09

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

OP posts:
ItsGettingHotInHerre · Today 14:35

So sad that the GPs have to create an artificial separation between 'their' GC and not their GC. Kids are kids and don't really care that much. It's adults that create the artificial separation.

All GC except the half sister of one of their GC, who presumably sees her sister as her sister not her half sister. Where's Emily (e.g. name)? Dottie (e.g. name) might ask. Oh she's not really GP's GC so she's not invited. But she's my sister! I miss her!

Why would GPs want to create that situation with both Emily and Dottie?

Rhaidimiddim · Today 14:42

MarieBaronelovechild · Today 12:21

Mil seems not to have invited eldest but my husband misinterpreted what all the children meant.

I believe what BiL says.

I would be pulling right back from all these miserable in-laws. They obviously would prefer it if you didn't keep foisting your older daughter on them, and aren't even trying to hide it.

Mrcollinswave · Today 14:42

It's actually really good of MiL to take any of the grandchildren on holiday let alone all of them! Especially if there are a lot of grandchildren! I hope everyone appreciates her for this!

Silverbirchleaf · Today 14:44

“My youngest daughter is nothing to my ex but my eldest lives with my in-laws’ son. I think she should be included in a holiday to help us out, give us time, save us money but above all save us stress.”

So does your eldest daughter, who this thread is about, not live with you, but with her uncle? If so, maybe that’s why she wasn’t invited, because even though dh’s parents know her, they don’t have such a strong bond with her.

The reasons you give above aren’t really relevant. They should take her as a grandchild ( if they it’s appropriate) not to save you money and stress.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · Today 14:45

Silverbirchleaf · Today 14:44

“My youngest daughter is nothing to my ex but my eldest lives with my in-laws’ son. I think she should be included in a holiday to help us out, give us time, save us money but above all save us stress.”

So does your eldest daughter, who this thread is about, not live with you, but with her uncle? If so, maybe that’s why she wasn’t invited, because even though dh’s parents know her, they don’t have such a strong bond with her.

The reasons you give above aren’t really relevant. They should take her as a grandchild ( if they it’s appropriate) not to save you money and stress.

Her in laws son is her husband. Not the uncle?!

Wadsworthy · Today 14:46

MarieBaronelovechild · Today 12:27

BiL is DH’s brother.
SiL is DH’s sister.

Only grandchildren are going but DH thought that meant eldest as well.

Thing is, your DD is your DD but not your MiL's granddaughter or your DH"s siblings' niece. Your DH chose to marry you with a DD already, but the rest of his family can make different choices. Your DH has chosen his family, his siblings & mother can choose theirs.

Purposefulactivity · Today 14:49

I'm always struck by the harsh line that many on Mumsnet take with step children and their inclusion in the extended family.

The same approach seems to apply here. Mystifying to me, but I would certainly be interested to find out more about how the (step)-grandparents see things.

Is there any chance you could approach them directly, given that your husband seems less than capable? Not as a complaint/conflict but as an issue that is important for you all to discuss (like adults!) and agree together. Chiefly to avoid similar upset happening regularly in future. I don't think not talking about this is an option really.

Two2TooAlsoToToward · Today 14:51

MarieBaronelovechild · Today 12:16

3 weeks away from 9 which is same age as eldest ones of BiL and SiL and 4.

I don’t want to send her knowing what they think in their heads.

When BiL said next year he meant September. Academic year. He asked if eldest always had to be present. .

He’s being a dick.

Purposefulactivity · Today 14:51

Wadsworthy · Today 14:46

Thing is, your DD is your DD but not your MiL's granddaughter or your DH"s siblings' niece. Your DH chose to marry you with a DD already, but the rest of his family can make different choices. Your DH has chosen his family, his siblings & mother can choose theirs.

It's a child they've known since she was 2 years old. A child.

Coronaperona · Today 14:52

Your DH needs to talk to his mum.

Do your elder child’s parents take away both children on holiday? Do they buy both children presents etc?

Sassylovesbooks · Today 14:55

Your husband doesn't want to ask his Mum because if it's confirmed that she only meant her grandchildren, it means childcare is required for your eldest. He'd rather bury his head in the sand, send both children, so it saves childcare costs as a family.

Unfortunately, a conversation is required with his Mum, because you only have this information second hand from your BIL. Your BIL may very well be correct but your MIL should have been honest with your husband, when she realised he misunderstood. It isn't your BIL's place to tell your husband, it's their Mother's responsibility.

If your husband isn't prepared to have an honest conversation with his Mum, then may be, you need to OP? Even if your in-laws wouldn't be mean towards your eldest daughter, it's very clear that they consider her as an 'outsider'.

PurpleThistle7 · Today 14:56

I think there’s no great answer here but can absolutely see why two very different assumptions were made. But given the situation, I’m not sure why you’d assume your older daughter was default included when she usually isn’t and no one pretends she’s these people’s granddaughter. I don’t think it’s particularly fair that she gets 3 sets of grandparents and your younger daughter always has to share.

I wouldn’t make a fuss about it either way I don’t think - call your mother in law, ask if your eldest is invited to join (if she even wants to!) and then sign her up for camp if not. I think if you balance the needs of both your daughters, it’s important not to cut your youngest off from her extended family and presumably your eldest has a whole second family who loves her anyway.

Wadsworthy · Today 14:56

The in-laws see her as part of their son's family, but that doesn't make her part of their family.

Her husband chose to include her in his nuclear family, but he can't make that choice for others.

This 100%

Rhaidimiddim · Today 14:57

Purposefulactivity · Today 14:51

It's a child they've known since she was 2 years old. A child.

Agreed.

And a child who is part of their son 's family, not just the next-door-neighbour's kid.

They have chosen to view OP's 9-y-o as not-family, when they could have chosen to embrace her as a bonus grandchild. Mean, miserable-spirited people, who don't deserve to spend time with her.

MaggiesShadow · Today 14:58

I think it's worth reiterating that OP has said MIL isn't and wouldn't be unkind to her DD. That seems to be getting lost.

You can't control how people feel, unfortunately. But it's not as though MIL is running the child out of the house every time she appears. And since this all came from BIL's interpretation of a comment MIL made, there are a lot of assumptions of cruelty being made that might not exist.

TheJuryIsOut · Today 14:59

Is your eldest a particularly challenging child? My parents don't feel comfortable looking after my step daughter because her behaviour can be wild and they don't feel like they can tell her off as much as they would with my children. Could be a factor?

Notonthestairs · Today 14:59

Wadsworthy · Today 14:56

The in-laws see her as part of their son's family, but that doesn't make her part of their family.

Her husband chose to include her in his nuclear family, but he can't make that choice for others.

This 100%

On a that basis why even include the Op? She’s not blood and they didn’t choose her.

SandyHappyPerson · Today 15:00

Rhaidimiddim · Today 14:42

I would be pulling right back from all these miserable in-laws. They obviously would prefer it if you didn't keep foisting your older daughter on them, and aren't even trying to hide it.

I think that is a bit unfair, MIL hasn't said a word and is happy to take eldest instead of clear up the confusion with her son, it is the reason he won't bring it up either, because he obviously doesn't want to give her the chance to change her mind.

But it sounds like the BIL and SIL with the issue more than anything, It's tricky, they both have children of the same age, but the kids don't seem to want to play with OPs daughter? and the adults prefer it when she is not there.. I personally wouldn't send her somewhere if there is a natural 2 against one closer dynamic at play, making her feel left out, it can be a bit soul destroying, like she will never feel good enough or part of the group.. it could be fed from how their parents feel or they could just have completely different personalities and don't get on very well. OP is not the person to be giving an objective view about that.

At the end of the day not all children get on, or should be made to get on, it's nice if it is there, but if it's not you can't force it just because you think it is the right thing.

I'd let the youngest go, or talk to MIL yourself about the reality of what it would be like.. why rely on your husband to talk to her?? Besides that she's going to have at least 5 children with her and none of their parents! I'd be wary of sending a 4 year old with such lack of supervision in any case to be honest.

Two2TooAlsoToToward · Today 15:00

Wadsworthy · Today 14:56

The in-laws see her as part of their son's family, but that doesn't make her part of their family.

Her husband chose to include her in his nuclear family, but he can't make that choice for others.

This 100%

So…the BiL or PiL are within their rights to say, “DD1 isn’t invited to Christmas dinner this year, as she isn’t a blood relative—her presence ruins the vibe and she needs to find provisions elsewhere”?

Tableforjoan · Today 15:02

Remember also not everyone likes children. But they enjoy their own, leading to their own grandchildren.

I can tolerate my husband’s nephews and nieces but I sure as shit wouldn’t be taking them places. I could see this being the same if my children had step children.

I’d love their children because they are my grandchildren but I’d only be tolerating their steps because well I don’t really like children 🤷🏻‍♀️

NewHere83 · Today 15:05

Aiming4Optimistic · Today 13:27

In an ideal world the in-laws would love your oldest daughter and would want to include her. But they seem not to have that capacity. So you have to work with what you have!
When you blend a family, you need to accept that both of your children will have different relatives, who aren't obliged to love them both equally. You have to be fair to both - the youngest is entitled to form strong bonds with her own grandparents. The most that you are entitled to expect is that they are kind to your oldest when they see her, which appears to be the case. But you can't force feelings - they don't love her. With that in mind, you need to minimise her exposure to them, without denying your youngest her own right to the relationship.
You are lucky and it massively helps, that your oldest has an involved dad. Foster that relationship with him and the gos on his side, if you can. I think kids can be good at understanding the separate relationships, so long as you don't set them up to expect the in-laws to view her as a grandchild. She needs to be taught to just see them as nice people she knows, but not 'family'.

It's okay for siblings to have separate activities and interests. In your shoes, I'd let the youngest go and book the holiday club for the oldest. If you don't make a big thing of it, she won't see it as a big thing either.

I'll be honest, this would colour how I saw my in-laws and it would make me less inclined to go out of my way for them - they would just be dh's family and I'd feel no connection to them or obligation to help in the future. My memory would be long. It's a shame they can't expand their love to include a little girl but that's a failing on their part. But I'd have to accept that I'd made a choice to get into a blended family situation and I couldn't make them embrace it. I would just have to ensure my two kids were treated equally in my home.

Yes I agree. You don't want to be family, fine. But we only spend Xmas, for example, with family. Seeing younger daughter without her sister will lead to a very different relationship to being integrated with your son's family.

MargaretThursday · Today 15:06

bitmiffed26 · Today 14:09

ah, ok.

we’re a happy family unit that like each other, so wouldn’t have an issue with seeing my sister at the same time as someone else.

this thread is obviously just totally alien to me.

Thing is unless you've been in that situation then you don't realise how difficult it can be.

I live a few hours from my parents, my siblings live close.

We had a period whenever I visited my siblings would always be there. Now they saw my parents on their own, but for some reason they had to arrive before me and stay until I'd gone.
They're very different to me in what they enjoy - we get on, but if we were doing something for the day then we'd choose totally different things. They knew the area and didn't have children, which I did - they had dogs though. They're also far more dominant about what they wanted - I'm much more inclined to go along with the trend.

So every day deciding what to do I'd be thinking something like "maybe we could go down to the river with a picnic like we used to as children." Thinking, there's a lovely area where we can sit while the children have a little paddle, there's a path from the car park so I can take the buggy for when dd2 needs a sleep, and we can have a catch up chat.

And they'd be "Great. When we go there we actually don't park there any more, we park 5 miles away, do a route march past the river along a muddy path and cut cross country through the woods and stop at the pub which takes dogs but not children and definitely don't stop at the paddling bit because it's not fair on the dogs and we want a long walk so have to get on."

So what would actually happen was I ended up at the back carrying one child and other child finding the speed too much, so getting upset, no breath for talking. I'd be stressed trying to keep up because I didn't know the place and not able to go into the pub when we arrived, so they'd be stroppy because their dogs needed their dog lemonade or whatever and they wanted to go inside... Dd2 would then fall asleep in the car on the way back which would be too late for her so she wouldn't sleep that night...

They weren't being nasty, simply they were at a different stage than me. They wanted to wear the dogs out with a long walk. I wanted to entertain the children and spend some time catching up.
Because I was more inclined to fit in in the past, they found it hard if I tried to say this didn't fit for us and push it through. Dm would get upset if I said I'd stay behind - and really I'd come to spend time with them which I didn't normally get, so this felt silly too.

Eventually very unusually for me, I blew and said I wanted to see my parents on their own for some of it - no problem with them being around for some of it, but not all, and it's much better now.

So you can very much like to see people, but spending time with individual people can be nice to do as well.

SuePer · Today 15:06

MarieBaronelovechild · Today 13:18

My daughters are Half sisters. I am not ashamed of this!

My parents help when they can but work full time.

All relationships with her father’s family are facilitated by him.

We have been separated for 7 years and in-laws have known her for nearly 6.

My daughter calls them by their first names. DH’s nephew walked in once and asked where boy cousin was and eldest said he was with grandpa and little boy pointed out that he wasn’t her grandpa. She didn’t mean that he was her grandpa.

My youngest daughter is nothing to my ex but my eldest lives with my in-laws’ son. I think she should be included in a holiday to help us out, give us time, save us money but above all save us stress.

My husband is sending my youngest and says it’s up to me about eldest but thinks I am mad not to send her and save the money.

I am inclined NOT to send her.

My MiL used kids not grandchildren. Age range 10 to 3.

Your dd is not your pils dgc. Great everyone gets on but I can understand that they'd like to just have the youngest sometimes.

We have experience of steps/half sibs in extended family and it is ok for grandparents just to want to take the youngest on holiday. Your bil seems to be trying to be tactful so your poor mil isn't forced to bring it up.

canklesmctacotits · Today 15:07

Notonthestairs · Today 14:59

On a that basis why even include the Op? She’s not blood and they didn’t choose her.

Most grandparents/PILs don’t. When it comes to wills, for example, people name their children and grandchildren. Rarely is the DIL/SIL named or is a benefactor.

YellowMellow99 · Today 15:08

MarieBaronelovechild · Today 12:29

I believe what BiL is saying. MiL told him that she didn’t mean eldest but feels obliged now.

DH doesn’t want to ask his mum anything.

I see your point and agree with you. I’d not send either of your girls. How mean and rude of them not to include your 9 year old! She’s just a little girl and she’s part of your family. If your DH raises her as his own, which I hope he does, his family should accept that and treat her the same way as they treat all their grand children! I’m so sorry they are being like this, it’s really not on! YANBU!!

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