Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

When you’re talking about adults, I think it’s usually very clear what relationships are. As a DIL, it’s polite that you’d be invited as a courtesy to their son as you’re married to him. There wouldn’t be a generalised expectation that I’d regard my PILs as my own mum and dad, nor that they would see me as a daughter. I’m their son’s wife. Obviously, it’s absolutely lovely when you hear of families where everyone is smitten with each other and all get along brilliantly, but it’s not to say that anyone is at fault if it’s not like that. I get on fine with my MIL. We are on warm, cordial terms. But I am her son’s wife and she is my DH’s mother. Which is fine. Obviously, it’s far more sensitive when kids are involved, but pretty obviously the in laws here regard the older child as their son’s wife’s daughter rather than their own grandchild. Lovely if they did and all that - but they aren’t doing anything wrong if they don’t (providing, of course, they treat her with kindness and respect, which by all accounts they do).

It’s not spite, it’s the reality of feelings. Many people do not feel the same about step children as they do their own bio children, especially wider family. People should stop forcing relationships.

And if the 4 year old would prefer to have their sibling with them?

You will get lots off ppl on here who will say it's acceptable. Personally I couldnt do it to a child and think it's just petty silliness . I wouldn't send her as they clearly don't really want her and I'd be concerned that she would pick up on this and feel unwanted . I'd send youngest and I'd keep myself and my oldest polite but distant in future and let husband facilitate contact with youngest .

I'm puzzled when posters say things like, 'Why doesn't DD1's extended family take DD2 on holiday?'
Surely that's because DD1's extended family have probably never even met DD2.
Whereas DD2's extended family have obviously known DD1 for several years, met her at lots of gatherings, etc.
So the two situations are not the same.
(For avoidance of doubt - I have no skin in this game!)

This. My stepmum absolutely adores my DC and treats them as her own. She doesn’t tolerate them or act in a courteous manner, as posters upthread have suggested treating children. She loves them. Calls them her GCs, not her step GCs. After reading so many exclusionary posts on MN, I thanked her for being such a fantastic grandmother to my DCs. Love isn’t finite and doesn’t have a headcount limit for grandchildren.

It’s always the same “they don’t have to” argument on here as well. Like I don’t have to hold the door open for someone who’s right behind me carrying shopping bags, but if I just let it slam in their face, I’d be a dick.

I’m finding this thread really difficult to understand based on the OPs responses.

How many kids does she have? 2 or 3? I thought she had 2 but then another post suggests she has another child who lives with her in laws son?

Ultimately what it boils down too, isnt how the OP feels but how the child from her first marriage would feel if they didn’t go? Would they be distraught or would they enjoy 1:1 time with the OP without their younger sibling/s being there?

I would imagine that the OPs ex takes her eldest on holidays with his family without including the younger so she will be used to not being away with her sibling every time.

I wouldn’t personally make the younger one stay at home just on principle because it’s not fair on her, and she is in the middle of it. That being said, I also wouldn’t send the eldest knowing she’s not wanted. I would rather have them seperate and do something nice with the eldest so you know they are both having a lovely time and not worrying. But if the eldest would be incredibly upset then maybe let them go this year as a one off so you can have time to make alternative arrangements for next year.

If your eldest paternal grandparents wanted to take her away would you only allow her to go if they took your youngest?

Do you let your 4 year old make all the decisions around holidays and everything else? I’m guessing not. She’ll be with her cousins and GPs. Obviously if she doesn’t want to go, as she gets older especially, then she shouldn’t be made to. BUT, she shouldn’t be stopped because mum is trying to make them the same, when they’re not, because she gave them different fathers. Accept there will be differences because they do have different bio family. Parents making this an issue is the problem. Stop forcing relationships.

They can love their biologically related family more. I assume my in-laws love my husband more than they do me. I love my sister more than my sister in law. That’s normal. You can even have people you like more , i prefer my fil to mil because I get on better than him. But we don’t exclude each other from family events.

But there’s a group of children in a family, we don’t know how many but somewhere between 4 and probably 10 and every child is included except one child. It doesn’t seem fair to me. If my child was in a class of 10 i wouldn’t invite 8 to his birthday and leave one out even though there would be some he is closer too than others. Because it’s not kind and I don’t even know those kids.
This family have had this little girl in their family since she was a toddler. She won’t remember them not being in her life but she has to learn at 9 years old that because she’s not related to her step dad she’s not good enough to be included.

I would choose whatever made my four year grandchild feel most comfortable.

Well can now see where the poison has come from - your nephew is a cruel as his father/mother ! I think there has been some 'shit stirring' here ! I personally would tackle your mother in law (don't rely on husband) If you do that you will know once and for all where they, the grandparents stand instead of the green eyed brother and sister in law !

10 posts and still no idea what your eldest actually wants

But it isn’t constantly excluding from what the op says?

Comments like “he’s not your grandpa” and things of that nature are not going to be missed by the step-child. They’re going to make her feel awful. And the fact the nephew said this means that his parents have been saying this. They all seem to see her this way. What difference does it make to any of them? So the child was older the first time they met, and doesn’t have their brother’s blood - would they be this way if she were adopted or born via donor? It never makes sense to me this weird attitude.

I would have to ask the MIL if she knows what the BIL has said about her and how he said it.

If the MIL didn't intend it that way and the vile BIL has taken it apon himself to do this and I was your MIL, I would jolly well want to know.

Because if its now being described as the MIL being willing to take DD1, I'd want to know if that was willingly and if she would be treated well, or told things like.... for example "sorry extra ice cream is only for blood relations" not reallly ice cream, but something along those lines.

Ultimately, she is part of your DH and your DD2's family... so why shouldn't the children all learn to get on and to play together? What is the actual purpose in excluding her because .... blood... We are not talking about inheritance. We are talking about a stupid holiday. She's growing up with DD1 after all.

I don't think that these attitudes should hide behind a veil of secrecy. If that is how they think... they should own it. No more pretending. Because at least then you will know where you stand.

If it was me. I wouldn't let BIL across my threshold.

well said.

Depends- do you insist that your 9 year old’s grandparents, uncles & aunties on her Dad’s side include your 4 year old in everything? If not, then you are being very unfair to your 4 year old to impose your eldest on her time with her blood relations.

I imagine in future your mil will just not invite any of your children as too difficult.

Honestly I think we expect way too much of step parents let alone their families. There is another thread at the moment where a grand parent isn't leaving her step grandchildren the same as her actual grand children - I think that is perfectly acceptable but it is a very difficult area.

Maybe if people just accepted that is a very ambitious expectation for step parents to love step children the same as their own - we could accept that step relationships can be good but just different to actual children (I include adopted children in this as they are legally the same as bio children)

And, in fact, telling 9-y-o Mary that Terry and June want a holiday without her - just her little sister, her 9-y-o cousin and her brothers BUT NOT HER - is going to hurt little Mary however you dress it up. She is old enough to understand that she is being excluded from her peer group in the family, and she will be hurt and thoroughly pissed off.

And it sounds like BIL is very invested in having his children spend time with his brother's child, but really doesn't accept the step- child. I'd be worried about how that will manifest itself in the long term - little sis being inducted into a them-and-us dynamic against big sis is a real possibility.

In OP's situ, I'd be protecting my DD from the BIL and SIL and their children, talking to MIL to ascertain how much of this exclusion is coming from her, and then carefully managing my DD's exposure to these unkind people going forward.

Does it?

im a step mum. Well. We aren’t married but I’m in their life this past 7 years.

But they’re not my kids. Of course I want to do stuff sometimes with just my kids and not his.

im sure as hell not leaving his kids anything in my will. Why would I?

I don’t expect his parents to leave anything to my kids either.

and I don’t get involved when he takes his own kids out or his family do. Why would I?

I don’t ask my ex to take his kids out either.

Also. Adopting is different. That is a legal tie to the child. If the ops dh hasn’t adopted her older child then they could split tomorrow and he would never ever see that kid ever again. And that hurts. I had similar with a niece and nephew when I got divorced. It really upset me. And I won’t make that mistake again.

It isn't about loving them, it is about treating them decently and fairly. Which includes avoiding doing anything that will hurt them thenever you can. They're kids, it shouldn't be hard.

But why shouldn’t the oldest’s dad have to include the younger one then?