Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

Yes, the OP reports one of the cousins reminding her older daughter that he's not your grandpa. That sounds like a BIL/SIL hangup.

I’m with you OP, neither of them would be going

I don't see a huge imbalance, I see two completely different situations.

That's a failing on the parents' part if they have not managed expectations that the older child would not always be with the younger stepsibling when the youngest is with biological family on her father's side. We don't actually know if this has been instigated by the daughter.

Do the parents insist that the eldest's father buys gifts for the youngest too? His daughter lives in a house with another child. She will presumably go on trips with her father, spend one-on-one time with him and come home with gifts he has bought her. Isn't that unfair to the younger stepsister? After all, they live in the same house... Children in blended families where both parents are actively involved in each child's life will have different relationships, experiences and gifts because they have different parents and extended families, not because it is cruel or unfair.

Neither of my kids would be going in these circumstance regardless of what my husband says or wants or believes. The comment by the nephew says is it all, he did not think up the comment about “grandpa” himself. Sounds like a nasty bunch of adults.

What do you mean by this:

my eldest lives with my in-laws’ son.

Her in-law's son is her husband.

This argument doesn’t make sense and completely ignores and disregards the oldest family tree.

They don’t come as one all the time. The children have different fathers. They don’t come as one when the oldest visits her dad and his family. The oldest gets to spend time with her paternal family without being a package deal - but the youngest doesn’t?

The older child is part of both family units - her dad's and her step-dad's.

The dad’s family unit is him and his partner/wife and their respective children. His biological daughter is also part of several separate family units within her bio father’s wider family. Her grandparents form one family unit; each biological uncle or aunt is a separate family unit with its own distinct relationship. Those do not include the step sibling unless those units choose to.

Again.

The OP's ex (probably) has no relationship with the OP's younger child. The OP's two children have an ongoing relationship with the OP's MIL.

The OP's ex has never been family to the OP's younger child. The OP's MIL has been family to the OP and her children for seven years.

There is no parallel between the OP's ex and the step-GPs.

I can't understand this . I have 2 step GC and 1 grandchild each from my 2 sons . I treat them EXACTLY the same . I would never leave anyone out because they are not blood . I'd personally speak to your MIL and if your BIL is right I'd not send either.

They have had a on going relationship with her for 6 years.

You are entitled to your opinion but don’t make stuff up and there’s no need to be rude.

They have known your daughter since she was three, and they don’t really accept her? Blimey.

I think there’s a big difference between “accepting her” and seeing her as their grandchild. By the sound of it, they are kind and polite and behave very well to the child; they just don’t regard her as a grandchild. Which she isn’t. Clearly, it would be lovely if they viewed her as such, but I don’t think you can say that they’ve done anything wrong if they don’t.

Would you say this if a woman’s in-laws were constantly excluding her? Sorry, only my son is invited to dinner, you are not family and therefore I don’t have to pretend to like you.

Thank you!

I, too, have step-GC and I treat them exactly the same as my GCs.

And my dear in-laws claimed my children (from my first marriage) as their own from the very first time they met them. They built a strong, loving relationship with them over the years.

It really depends on the situation. If the stepkids are only there very part time and have a distant relationship with their step parents family or if the children are significantly older or if it’s only been a short space of time then I agree.
But for a child that has been a part of a family since she was a toddler and mostly lives in the family home and therefore is as emeshed in the family as her sibling is I think it’s cruel to leave her out , out of some spite about blood relations.

But that's not even the situation here. She is invited to other things, to family events etc. They are kind to her. It's just this holiday MIL would like to have with just her grandchildren. It's comparable to a mother taking just her children on a trip, but not invite her step children. That's also fine, even if the step children are invited to other things.

The OP’s DH chose to have a relationship with a woman who had an existing child. That makes her as much part of the family as the OP, and I don’t think there would be any support here if the in-laws were saying “son and biological child are invited to Christmas, but not you OP because you’re not a blood relative of ours”.

MN is so weird about this. Your spouse isn’t a blood relative either; hopefully, but they’re you’re NOK.

1. They've had a relationship, but the MiL clearly wants to deepen it further with the blood relative.
2. This type of considerations are common in blended families. Considering refusing to let blood relative by his grandma, is being melodramatic, but appreciate the "drama queen" comment may be judged inappropriate.
3. Poor husband is stuck in the middle.

Or, God Forbid, if a woman acquired some adult step-children by marriage but refused to include them in family get-togethers because they're not family.

Again, stepchildren are not automatically full members of every family unit on their non-biological side. The biologically related child has their own relationship with those family. Time does not determine this. Each family unit on the biological side decides for itself whether it views the stepchild as a member of its wider family, a particular relative’s stepchild or somewhere inbetween.

Fair treatment of both girls means acknowledging that they each have different biological family relationships. Those relationships do not automatically include the other child just because they are step siblings or because they happen to live in the same house. They are not a package deal.

Those are not interchangeable situations - its not even the same relationship!

I agree, time does not determine relationships. Effort does.

Blood or not, it’s the effort to be caring that creates relationships and you can have one with anyone who does not share blood with you, as well as not having one (or having a shitty one) with someone who does share blood with you.

There’s no reason (other than meanness) to exclude step children from family events.

I’m beginning to think a lot of MN would exclude their child’s spouse from Christmas if they thought they could get away with it!