Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

Because she doesn’t have a relationship with him and neither does her parents. It’s not the same.

How many kids? Is it just 2 PIL? This sounds like too many young kids for 2 adults to safely manage in an unfamiliar environment regardless of the rest.

BIL sounds mean though, I’d be v unhappy.

Common sense has arrived. It isn't hard is it?

This!

I would look out for my 4-y-o and my 9-y-o and their relationship.

I certainly wouldn't put my 4-y-o in a situ where she's got a bevvy of cousins charming her and telling her "Mary's not a <family_name> like us. We're family, she's not."

But it is the same. Legally it is

I won’t put myself in any sort of situation where I’m emotionally invested in children where that relationship is based on good will and could be severed tomorrow on the whim of their parent.

and I think that’s sensible.

im polite and nice to my step kids when I see them but the relationship is for their dad to navigate it’s not for me.

why shouldn’t I be allowed to do stuff with just my kids?

No, the OP's husband doesn't get to choose relationships with stepfamily for anyone other than himself. A child may love their stepsiblings unconditionally, or they may tolerate them until they leave home and minimise contact after that. YABU to think/suggest that anyone other than the child will ultimately decide the relationship they want to have with stepfamily, or even biological family, for that matter.

Unless (as in all the other very similar threads!) are also willing to stop the eldest doing things that the younger isn’t invited to as well, it’s a shoogly peg!

Ask and answered about a dozen times already.

Although why anyone needs this explaining at all is beyond me.

Why anyone needs it explaining to them why some GPs would want to take their bio GC on holiday and not step grandchildren is beyond me. People like to play the biology doesn’t matter game, usually because it’s suits their choices, but the fact is i5 does matter to lots of people. It’s a difference of opinion but equally valid.

I didn’t imply that. People might tolerate their full-blood siblings until they leave home too. What’s the difference?

And I never said it was the step dad who
would choose anything for anyone else. I said it’s weird for people to exclude someone from a family event based on whether or not they share whatever minimum percentage of dna. The same as it would be weird to exclude your child’s spouse. I’m sure most people’s children aren’t dictating to them that their spouse should be invited to things, it’s just common decency. That’s how I feel about step-children. Why wouldn’t you include them just because they’re not “blood”? It’s like some weird tribal nonsense.

That's a very binary view.

There are as many valid reasons why someone does not want to include step children as there are mean ones. For example, if the OP and her DH came to be as a result of adultery this thread would look very different.

You stated

The OP’s DH chose to have a relationship with a woman who had an existing child. That makes her as much part of the family as the OP.

The child will ultimately decide how much of a part of her family the step sibling is, not the OP or the OP's DH.

As for weird, families are weird. There is often more than enough drama between blood siblings before we even start introducing step relationships. Anyone who has not witnessed this amongst their wider family or friends is very lucky. I have seen enough to know that should I find myself single for whatever reason, i would stay that way.

On the comparison with the eldest's dad, there are ways in which it's the same and ways in which it's different.

DD1s dad doesn't live with DD2 and probably doesn't know her that well, so his family won't either. In that way it's different, of course it wouldn't be realistic to expect much relationship.

Where it's not different is the entitlement of both DC to a relationship with their paternal family. That's equal. So if OP tries to prevent DC2 doing something with her dad's side because DC1 isn't included but doesn't have the same requirement for DC1s activities, start saving for the therapy now.

It is the opposite of a binary view. I am saying you can have a meaningful relationship with anyone regardless of dna. And that relationships with blood relatives can be complicated and unhealthy. You are saying relationship requires dna and no dna means no relationship. So your view sounds binary to me.

I’m of the opinion that every situation is different it’s definitely not a one size fits all. If your step children had come into your life as toddlers and lived mostly with you so you were inevitably involved in their day to day upbringing I’d find it odd if you were detached with them (and possibly harmful to their esteem ) but I’m guessing your situation is different. Both are fine but if a child who lives in their sons home and has been in their lives since she was a toddler (and longer than her younger sister has) isn’t part of the family and grown adults would deliberately exclude her out of some point about DNA it seems wrong to me. I’m not saying your situation is wrong I’m saying it’s a different situation.

I was talking about the in-laws. The op is not related to the in-laws. Nobody’s are. But we don’t, as a society, say “you’re not invited, you’re nothing to do with me, I didn’t ask for this relationship” - that would be weird. And mean. So the fact he has chosen a woman and child, and not just a single woman, makes the child as much a part of the extended in-laws family as the op.

Eta: what you are saying equally applies to
blood relatives. Children grow up and go NC with their relatives every day.

There is no set societal approach, individuals choose for themselves. In some families it is a near seamless blend and in others the exact opposite. In between those two positions there are thousands of possible permutations

Unfortunately this is one of the hurdles when blending families. It isn't uncommon for children from previous relationships to not be considered "family" by the new partners relations. Your husband chose you and your child, but they didn't.
Some people require a biological link to consider a child a niece, nephew, grandchild etc, just because your husband thinks of her as his daughter, you can't force the wider family to consider her so and treat her equally. It is cruel as it isn't either of your children's fault, but i do think this is something that should become a standard, very black and white conversation with the wider family for any couple where there is a child from a previous relationship, before a joint child is brought into the mix, to avoid heartbreaking situations like these. If you'd known this was what you were signing up for, would you have honestly continued a relationship and had a child with your husband?

You cannot send a child where they are not wanted, not when you know she was never intended to be invited. The adults have clearly been talking about it for your BiL to have approached you, and they will be taking her grudgingly. You'll worry the entire time she's away with them about how she's being treated if she does go. Will they resent spending money on her every time they get a round of ice creams etc.
You're saving money by your youngest going, and she should get to have a relationship with her extended family, as rude and exclusionary as they are. I think you need to keep eldest home and expect this to be the status quo going forward.
I am very sorry that an innocent child is being hurt in all of this.

After reading this thread from the beginning I’m starting to wonder if the OPs daughter who isn’t invited, maybe doesn’t actually get on very well with the other children and that’s why she wasn’t initially included. By the OPs admission she doesn’t get on with the other child who is her age. Presumably the OPs youngest who is the same/similar age as the other children will be busy playing with them. It could be that whenever they meet as a family the OPs eldest ends up sitting by herself or with the adults.

My family is made up of step children and grandchildren and we laugh about the fact that we all forget who isn't actually related by blood because Granny and Grandad are just that ,to all of the children, all of them are invited, all of them are treated the same and everyone is family. I actually can't believe how adults will treat children and exclude them from weddings and holidays on Mumsnet. There's enough love to go around, some of you need to give your heads a wobble.

Adultery or not it's still not the fault of a 9yr old child. I think it says more about the adults than it does about the children. I wonder how anyone can justify leaving out children because they are not blood related. They are probably the same parents telling their own children that it's not nice to exclude other kids in the playground and not seeing the irony.

"I know what they are thinking and it is unbearable"

what's unbearable exactly?
That they don't feel the same way about your child as they do about the grandchildren that are blood related to them and they've grown up knowing since birth, whom they see parts of their son and each other in?

I'm baffled as to why it's needed this holiday to make you aware of that. surely it's pretty obvious?

I don't get people like you OP who seem to think that you can magically force feelings to grow and make people feel the way you want them to.

You can't make them think of her as their grandchild rather than the daughter of their son's wife.

If you were randomly allocated a child that you had to look after (e.g. a refugee or evacuee situation) and told you suddenly had to love them exactly as much as your own child, would you magically be able to switch your feelings on just like that?

You're just building yourself up for disappointment, and your DC up for upset and division in the future. You can try and make everyone pretend they are one big happy family while the DC are all young, but at some point the grandparents are going to want to pay for their GC's driving lessons, or student fees, or pass on a family heirloom, or include them in their will, and they are not going to do so for your older dd. That will upset her more now, if you've lied to her that they absolutely love her just as much as her younger siblings, for most of her childhood, than if you just draw the boundaries now and make it clear that, as much as they like her, they are not her grandparents or her aunt/uncle.

It'll also annoy your younger DC and make them resentful, if you try and stop them from getting these things from their grandparents if their older sister doesn't get the same - particularly if they see her getting additional stuff from her father and his side of the family which they don't get. And once they are 18 you've got no control over whether they accept them or not or whether they want to maintain a relationship with them independent of you.

It doesn't mean they shouldn't behave well towards your oldest dd, or that they can't form their own relationship with her, just that it won't be the same as the one they have with their GC. Whatever relationships the extended family has doesn't negate or impact your own immediate family unit either. But it is just selfish to deliberately close your eyes to how everyone else feels and throw your toys out of your pram if they don't pander to your guilt tripping.