Inheritance with grandchildren and step grandchildren

[DogsInThePaddlingPool]

My mum has recently told us she has updated her will. She has decided not to leave anything to me or my siblings but to leave it to our children instead. She has explained that as we are all settled and financially stable, she wants to help the younger ones who it will be harder for.

I have 2 children, my brother has 3 children and my sister has 2 children and 2 step children. My mum is leaving equal amounts to her 7 biological grandchildren and then a much smaller amount to my sisters step children. The step children have been in our family since they were 4 and 5 and are now 19 and 20.

My sister has had a row with my mum because she feels her step children should get the same as the rest of the grandchildren. My mum isn’t budging.

My sister wants me and my brother to tell our mum that she is being unfair. We don’t want to get involved and have said it’s her money and her decision.

My sister hasn’t made any contact with any of us for the last month since we said we wouldn’t side with her.

Are we being unreasonable? Is my mum being unreasonable?

I think it’s kind of her to include the stepchildren, but she certainly doesn’t need to leave them equal shares. They have their own grandparents to do that.

Why do people keep saying OPs mother should leave it to her children for them to make their own choices?

She clearly knows what those choices would be, and disagrees with them. She either doesn't trust her children to pass money onto her grandchildren at all, or doesn't want an equal share going to step grandchildren.

It's her money and her decisions.

But that scenario means that the partners of the children who received inheritances could effectively take some of the inheritance in the event of divorce / divorces.

I think she is right - these stepchildren are not her grandchildren - I wouldn't leave them anything at all. Much better and less divisive to share just between her own children.

But then what you did leave would be split between your GC and SGC so they would get something?

Ugh there is nothing more horrible than people arguing and grubbing about how much money they’ll get when the testator is still alive. Such uncouth behaviour.

You are right to stay out of it and this is wholly down to your mum. If I had step children or step grandchildren I wouldn’t think of them as equal to my own kids or grandkids either 🤷‍♀️

Disgusted, really? It’s not about her caring about the money after she dies, it’s about caring that her biological grandchildren have the money after she dies. She is still leaving some to the step children just a smaller amount.

It's a matter of simple biology - unless there is some sort of weird inbreeding going on.

But, on the other hand, if you are saying that not all children have four grandparents in their life then, yes, that is true.

For example, my paternal grandmother died before I was born and my paternal grandfather died when I was very young indeed.

There are any other number of reasons why grandparents are not in the life of grandchildren.

But even when a grandparent is in the life of a grandchild that does not mean that there is going to be any sort of inheritance.

Receiving any sort of inheritance, either as a child or a grandchild, is a very random event. But that doesn't mean that you don't have four grandparents.

Based on your latest post that your mother didn't even see the SC that much - I think leaving them anything is a nice gesture.

Your mother is perfectly entitled to leave her money however she wants to.

I don’t get the whole ‘you guys are fine so GC get the lot’. It supposes she knows about your finances and creates problems like this (and generally rewards those who have more children than others). Much better to divide between her three children.

YANBU for not getting involved.

Yes but it is paid on each estate.
e.g. the grandparent has a few million, the adult children inherit and pay tax, then they in turn leave a few million to their children (the grandchildren), so this is now more deaths and new estates, and more tax is paid at that point.

By leaving it straight to the grandchildren there is only one major estate and one lot of tax paid.

It is irrelevant to most people as most estates are not that huge.

If she is doing it to make point, then it’s still nothing to do with us.

So you acknowledge she is doing it this way just to make a point then.. you know full well that your mum has only done her will this way to stop your sister from being able to treat her own 4 children as equals.. wouldn't you feel singled out if this was you? I couldn't be so cold towards my sister as to shrug and say 'not my problem' .. it is your mum's decision at the end of the day, but she has done it this way to exert control, nothing more nothing less.

I think people need to re-read this part, it's important:

If she leaves it equally to us, my sisters biological children would get less as she would share it with her step children. My mum doesn’t want that as she would have done her will differently.

It's her money. She should decide. It's not the way I would do it.

Yes?

Step children are not blood and will have relatives of their own possibly to received inheritance from . The other thing is the more people the money is split between the lesser value so between 7 it could be deposits on a home and 9 it could be just a second hand small car .

@DogsInThePaddlingPool
Its your mother's money, so she can do whatever she darn well likes!
Your sister is being unreasonable
And is she a great conversationalist anyway?
So tough titty to that
Youre all lucky your mum didn't waste it on wine, gigolos and song then waste the rest!!

No I said ‘if’.

It’s not our business and we can’t tell our mum what to do with her money. I wouldn’t care if she left the same to the step children but she hasn’t.

Why do people tell their extended family to treat unrelated children, with whom they did not choose to have a relationship, as if they are related?

What a slap in the face, skipping a generation. Hope she enjoyed her inheritance from her own parents.

A will is called a will for a very good reason. It is you expressing you will about what happens to your possessions after your death. Legally and socially we expect people to do this so I don’t think we should criticise anyone for wanting to determine what happens after their death. It isn’t being a control freak, it is good planning.
If I am still around when my gc reach young adulthood then I might decide to do the same and skip a generation (obviously apart from the third I need to leave to my children). We have helped our children financially already and I feel sorry for young people today as they face an uphill struggle.

Yes, I would be disgusted that my mum chose that for her legacy, not born out of fairness or actually caring that children/grandchildren are treated equally within a family, but of exclusion and control to make sure some are purposely excluded.

My mum tried to treat one of my siblings differently in her will before she died, I understood why but I talked to her about it from a human point of view to say that the only one that would have problems is the ones left behind, she wouldn't see the hurt or resentment that decision would cause, I was the executor so knew it would be me being the bearer of bad news.. IMO at a time when siblings need to be close and pull together as a family, something like this can really blow them apart, forever sometimes.. My mum hadn't even thought about it.

OPs mum has not only thought about it, she has done it on purpose knowing it will cause upset.. skipping a generation only because you don't want your daughter to treat her kids equally is pretty ruthless to be honest.. but it is her decision at the end of the day.

Is it really worth it though?

If your mum is set on skipping her children then I agree with how she’s done it, and I agree you should stay out of it.

I think your sister is out of order on many counts.

i think ideally it would be left to the 3 children and they then divvy up how they want. Or whatever the lower amount is that has been left to the step children, give the same amount to all grand children too then whatever is left split between the 3 children and they can divide up how they wish within their own family.

A slap in the face? Is inheriting money from one’s parents a human right, then?

She didn’t inherit anything from her parents and her wealth is entirely self made from owning her own business. I don’t interpret it as a slap in the face. I think it’s nice that my she is helping our children.

No, it's just what a decent parent would do.