Inheritance with grandchildren and step grandchildren

[DogsInThePaddlingPool]

My mum has recently told us she has updated her will. She has decided not to leave anything to me or my siblings but to leave it to our children instead. She has explained that as we are all settled and financially stable, she wants to help the younger ones who it will be harder for.

I have 2 children, my brother has 3 children and my sister has 2 children and 2 step children. My mum is leaving equal amounts to her 7 biological grandchildren and then a much smaller amount to my sisters step children. The step children have been in our family since they were 4 and 5 and are now 19 and 20.

My sister has had a row with my mum because she feels her step children should get the same as the rest of the grandchildren. My mum isn’t budging.

My sister wants me and my brother to tell our mum that she is being unfair. We don’t want to get involved and have said it’s her money and her decision.

My sister hasn’t made any contact with any of us for the last month since we said we wouldn’t side with her.

Are we being unreasonable? Is my mum being unreasonable?

Maybe she doesn’t trust her entitled daughter to pass anything onto her children?

What is the situation of the SCs? Are they due to inherit from their bio mum and bio GPs?

Wow.. If this was my mum I'd be disgusted with her and I'd tell her. People who care so much about what happens to their money after they have gone have got control issues IMO, she WANTS you all to know now, knowing full well it is going to cause issues with your sister feeling like some of her children as being treated as lesser beings.

Out of interest does she not like the step children? Because if what you posted above is actually true, that problem would be solved by leaving it nine ways instead of 7, no one would be getting 'less' then, completely fair all around for everyone.. so why not do that if she is so concerned about sisters kids having less than their cousins?..

100% she is doing this to make a point.

Alternatively leave a letter with the will detailing the decisions made and why. Particularly useful if you have left out a potential beneficiary.

She knows the daughter will split it 4 ways equally and she is doing her will this way to stop that from happening.

Not from what she’s said. She said that as we are financially secure, she wants to help out her GC.

Don’t get this skipping generations thing. Presumably you will leave your estate to your children? Your mother should just divide equally between her children. After all, what if one of you got divorced? Remarried and had more kids or more stepkids? Also she needs to word her will carefully: if she doesn’t want to name the kids she needs to specify biological and step.

Do the SC live with your sister, or did they before they grew up?

Such utter nonsense. My grandmother did this and it really really helped us grandchildren. Her kids/all the parents didn't mind. It is really unkind to attribute to nefarious motives that which can easily be explained by kindness.

"...to leave thirds of her estate to each set of grandchildren"

Why would that be fairer in any way at all?

Suppose the grandmother leaves £90,000 and that there are three children and six grandchildren.

One child has three children, the next child has two children and the third child has only one child of their own.

If the grandmother leaves the money equally to the grandchildren then each grandchild will get £15,000. All perfectly fair.

Now, let's consider your idea of splitting the money by one third to each set of grandchildren.

Suppose the three grandchildren that are siblings are Amy, Ben and Charlie. The grandchild that is an only child is Timmy.

I can just imagine that conversation. "Well, sorry Amy, Ben and Charlie, but you only get to inherit £10,000 each from granny. Timmy gets some of your share and he will inherit £30,000 all by himself"

"Why is that? I don't really know why granny would give three times as much to Timmy as she gave to each of you. Perhaps she didn't love you as much as she loved Timmy?"

The grandmother has explained that:

"...has explained that as we are all settled and financially stable, she wants to help the younger ones who it will be harder for."

The grandmother has chosen to give some money to some people that are entirely unrelated to her rather than excluding them completely. There have been other threads on MN where the grandparent has chosen to exclude step-grandchildren entirely.

As other posters have said, these step children will also inherit through their biological father's family and their biological mother's family as well.

That's how biology works.

Whether or not all four are present in the grandchildren's lives is another matter.

Yes. It’s like meddling in the sisters life after death. Pointing out that the children she obviously considers as important as her biological children are others and not really part of the family

why would anyone want to tell someone else how to leave their money - your sister can make her own will and your mother makes her own choices

I honestly believe that inheritance should pass to your children in equal amounts. It’s then down to them whether they pass it on to their children.

Anything else results in fall outs, which I’m sure no one wants.

I always find it it absolutely disgusting how certain family members have such entitlement to inheritance...your sister is bang out of order and im on your mums side.. step children will have their own grandparents they're lucky they're getting anything at all.

That is not how IHT works. It is based on the size of the estate of the deceased person, not who or how many they leave it to.

Ah ok I’ve been unfair I thought it was to be sure your sister didn’t share her inheritance between her four children

This scenario is caused by the grandparent looking at all their wonderful grandchildren being an equal part of them, whereas each parent is regarding their own wonderful children being a part of THEM.
Moral of the story is to not tell anyone what's in your will in advance of kicking the bucket.

If she is doing it to make point, then it’s still nothing to do with us. If someone told me how to divide my money, I would tell them to bugger off. We really don’t want to be involved.

Her relationship with the step children is fine although not the same as with her grandchildren as she hasn’t seen them as much. When the step children were growing up, they were with their mum most of the time. My sister and their dad had them 1 weekend a month and half of school holidays.

This is the point where I lost sympathy with your mother to be honest.

She's basically saying "I don't want my daughter treating her step-children as equal to her biological children".

Which is unpleasant.

It's not nonsense ..read OPs posts!

She could have left it to the children to leave to their children.. OP has said she has done this to STOP her sister giving equal shares to her 4 children, as she doesn't want the sisters biological children to "inherit less than their cousins".

If that was an actual concern she could have left it 9 ways so all grandchildren inherit the same, no one get's less, why would she care after she is gone.

Or she could have given 2/7th to OP, 3/7th to bro and 2/7th to sis and let them decide what is fair for their own children.

She has specifically skipped the generation to ensure the SC cannot be treated equally.

You said in your OP that your mum told everyone her intended legacies now so that she could answer any questions in advance. So what has she said about her thought process in leaving a lesser sum to the SGC? And why is her explanation not acceptable to your sister?

Well then you tell your sister it's your mum's money and she can do what she wants with it and you're not getting involved.

I think your mum is being more than fair but by doing what she is doing then it's not surprising she knew it would cause problems.

By giving a third to each child, then she is not giving the grandchildren less (or anything for that matter!) Her daughter, who has chosen to be part of a family with four children, is giving her share out equally.

But ultimately your sister needs to respect your mum's wishes.

Its her money. She can do what she wants with it. I think she is incredibly generous. I think that she is demonstrating that she loves the step grandchildren by including them. Ultimately, they have their own bio family that they may or may not insert from. I thinkbyour sister is being very entitled.

Sorry but it is entitled and grabby to expect your step children to be given the same inheritance as biological grandchildren.

Her mother has even been generous to give them a smaller amount and hasn't excluded them entirely but the reality is she has no obligation to leave them anything from her inheritance.

"I wouldn't want 2 of my children to inherit a large sum while the other two were given a token amount, besides it causing awkwardness between the 4 children"

The reality is the children will never inherit the same amounts unless OPs sister is also going to force her stepkids grandparents and their mom to leave equal amounts to her other children which we know will not happen, it's not DS's place to decide what people do with their money.

This narrative or expectation that kids in blended families will have everything equal is just fallacy and unrealistic expectations.

"besides it causing awkwardness between the 4 children"

This only causes awareness when there are expectations. As I said I was a stepchild and I had absolutely no expectations to inherit from the grandparents of my step siblings because while they were nice and fair to me I knew they were not my biological grandparents and it was obvious that there was a difference between treating equally for e.g. day outs, birthday gifts etc and something as significant as inheritance.

If you decide to get into a blended family then you need to manage expectations instead of demanding equal inheritance for your stepchildren.

If she wants to throw the baby out with the bath water she can turn down the inheritance for her kids to make her point. It would be a stupid selfish point but that's her perogative.