Inheritance with grandchildren and step grandchildren

[DogsInThePaddlingPool]

My mum has recently told us she has updated her will. She has decided not to leave anything to me or my siblings but to leave it to our children instead. She has explained that as we are all settled and financially stable, she wants to help the younger ones who it will be harder for.

I have 2 children, my brother has 3 children and my sister has 2 children and 2 step children. My mum is leaving equal amounts to her 7 biological grandchildren and then a much smaller amount to my sisters step children. The step children have been in our family since they were 4 and 5 and are now 19 and 20.

My sister has had a row with my mum because she feels her step children should get the same as the rest of the grandchildren. My mum isn’t budging.

My sister wants me and my brother to tell our mum that she is being unfair. We don’t want to get involved and have said it’s her money and her decision.

My sister hasn’t made any contact with any of us for the last month since we said we wouldn’t side with her.

Are we being unreasonable? Is my mum being unreasonable?

She should leave her money how she wants but I can see both sides. The step DC may well have other inheritances coming from their side of the family but these won’t be at the same time, so at the time of distribution it will feel unfair. It’s unnecessarily hurtful.

But the step children aren’t related to her and she’s under no obligation to leave anything at all to them.

Her best bet is to say she’s considered what everyone says and she’ll change her will back to benefiting her direct DC and they can distribute their share as they think fit. Although from memory she will have to include a provision for any descendants of her DC in case they predecease her. Best not to mention that bit if she wants to treat her step children differently.

I think this is quite telling. If the stepkids don't really consider your mum their grandmother and don't have the relationship that the other kids have then it's less about who is step vs not than who has a close relationship vs not.
I do think if your mum has treated the kids equally in other regards eg money for uni, then your sister needs to reframe this in her mind. Interestingly if the other grandparents passed away did they leave any inheritance either to the steps or her DH? Because in your sister's scenario all her kids both step and bio should.have the right to inherit from all the grandparents and I wonder if she's insisted in this regard on the other side too?

Well there is quite a bit more to it, but the post is not about me- the point i was making is that it doesn't matter how unfair you think it is, or how many people agree with you , it is purely the wishes of the person leaving the money that counts.

Are your sister's husband's parents leaving the same amount of inheritance to your sister's children as to their biological grandchildren?

I don’t agree that blood/biology overrules. If a baby/child was adopted into the family or if a step child came in to a family from a young age and was 100% or mostly lived with one parent so the grandparents saw them / had a equal relationship as their have with their biological grandchildren then I’d say it would be fair to treat them equally.

in this situation however it seems the children mostly lived with their mother and saw the grandparents occasionally so it’s understandable that they don’t have the same relationship /bond so I can see why the grandmother wants to do things differently.

Although the fairest thing would be to leave it equally to the children and they do as they want.

You are all being unreasonable. It’s your mums decision and you should all keep out of it !

I think your sister is being very unreasonable and greedy. I had a StepGrandfather who was very generous throughout my life, always gave me money whenever I saw him. He was in my life from the age of around 7 and I saw him as a GrandFather. But I never expected he would leave me anything, everything went to his biological family. I imagine your siblings family units are receiving similar amounts whereas yours will be a lot less because you only have two kids, so she doesn’t have a leg to stand on about ‘fairness’.

I dont think your sisters opinion is "wrong" as such. But its not her money, its your mum's and she can divide it however she likes.

YANBU to tell your sister you wont tell your mum what to so with her money

Disagree totally. Always discuss, explain and listen to other points of view. Make your decision clear. Then when you shuffle off this mortal coil the upset and misunderstandings (should there be any) will be behind you, and your family will be free to grieve as they need.

You’re mom is a sly fox; she knows what she’s doing and I personally think she made the right decision.

It is your Mum's estate.
End of story.

Good grief, it's entirely up to the person what they want to leave to whom. My mum left the house to one brother as due to a medical condition he was highly unlikely to be able to get a mortgage. Did me and my other brother kick off? No. Because it's not our decision. If she'd had left everything to the cats' home then good for her. This grabby entitled attitude is incredibly entitled and disgusting.

to those who think granny is so abhorrent, why? Why should she divide wealth between children who are not biologically related? Presumably they have other grandparents and will inherite from them. Or not. Inheritances are not a right. Granny might end up in a nursing home and the money might disappear making this stuff and nonsense totally irrelevant. It’s not a given.

from an adult stepchild perspective. I’ve got step grandparents whom I adore, they are wonderful and generous, but I don’t expect a penny from them. I was around long before their 2 biological granddaughters (I was 8 when I met them and 16 and 18 when the 2 girls arrived) but I’ve never considered I would get anything. You can’t expect the same treatment all the time, and it’s none of your business what they choose to do! No idea why people are so obsessed with inheritances and where it goes. You should be grateful for whatever comes down the line not policing how it’s divvied up.

Its really up to your mum, as to her wishes ,you are right not to get involved x

We have had issues as Dad wanted straight split with 3 daughters but died first.
Mum then wanted money to grandchildren and even great grandchildren but left no will, so intestate and 3 daughters have to decide. Think money will just go to grandchildren, we will have to give up our legal rights.
Really feel should not skip generations

You and your siblings may well be comfortable, but it would have been so much simpler if your mother had just divided the inheritance equally between her own children, who could then decide how to help their own children, as I'm sure you all would. From what I've seen in life splitting inheritances unequally always seems to create some resentment somewhere, even when it's done for ostensibly good reasons.

If your sister splits with her dh, then the sc will likely disappear with the money, never to be seen again, with the money then likely go outside the family. But the biological gc will always be within the family unit. My bil raised step children from when they were 5 and 7 to when they were 18 and 20. Split with their mum 4 years ago and has never spoke to them again. Not his choice, but blood thicker than water, and the sc clearly didn’t feel there was any emotional connection with my bil, and just moved on.

My husbands mum isn’t leaving my children a thing, as is her right. They aren’t her grandchildren and she saw them a few times a year when they were small. (In fact she is leaving everything to only one grandchild, that’s a whole other story)

My husband is leaving my children and granddaughter EVERYTHING (if I die first). To him they are HIS family and he loves and treats them as his (they feel the same).

He is the only grandfather that my granddaughter knows (and he’s her favourite person). His mum called her his step granddaughter and I’ve never seen him so angry in his life.

Blood shouldn’t matter but I totally understand your mums view, it would perhaps be different if the stepkids lived with her daughter and she saw them as much as the other grandchildren, but she doesn’t. They have their own grandparents (who I assume they will inherit from too).

The moment someone told me what to write in my will, I’d disinherit them.

Yet another thread exemplifying why it is generally a bad idea to disinherit your children in favour of your grandchildren. I cannot understand why people do it.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think your mother had been very generous to include the step grand children. Whilst I would always feel sad to hear if step children are excluded from family activities or treated differently day to day, I think you are right that inheritance is about biology. I can't imagine the step children's grandparents will be including their step children ( ie your sister's biological children) in their wills or if they do, as equals to their biological grandchildren. I would imagine the step grandchildren are actually pleasantly surprised to be included which is why they are seem happy to carry on as normal.

Perhaps your mum knows more about your sister's husband than she's letting on, and may be partly why the inheritance is skipping a generation.

I always said that if me and my partner were in a decent financial position, any inheritance from our parents would go straight to the children. It's an amazing thing to be able to have financial security from a young age. Life changing.

Really hope things work out.

Hi @DogsInThePaddlingPool your sister is being ridiculous here. So your sisters kids will probably be inheriting more than any of the other GC. Maybe they are inheriting from their step dads parents and this is why your sister wants her SC to inherit more from your mum.

Totally agree trying to skip a generation always causes arguments between siblings who have more/less children or blended families. Much simpler to divide between the children equally then they can share it out however they see fit

The sister might be being unreasonable, for sure, but why greedy? She's not asking for the money to be gifted to her. Utlimately the OP says her mother has "a shitload of money" and this sounds to be true given that she has has thus far given all of her grandkids (including the step ones) rent and living expenses for a whole year at uni. She's obviously got ££££££££ at her disposal. And now 2 of the sister's children are going to be given 1/7 each - a significant chunk - of that and 2 of her children not. That could be the difference between 2 of your children ever being able to afford their own home and the other 2 being mortgage-free for most of their life due to a gift. If it were the original will, all three family units inheriting the same, she would not have had to deal with being powerless in the face of that. The OP's mother has made a deliberate choice to do it his way, she will have her reasons, i'm sure she anticipated her daughter's profound upset but went ahead none the less and has done so with the OP and her brother's support.

Because she’s trying to state that her stepchildren should have some sort of entitlement to her mother’s money.

It doesn’t matter how much money OP’s mother has, no one else is entitled to decide what she does with it. She’s not being unfair to the stepchildren by not treating them like grandchildren, because they aren’t her grandchildren. The sister can feel however she wants about her stepchildren, but she cannot demand her family feel the same.

I respect that her mom let them know of her decision. I don't like when parents make will decisions that are controversial but the adult kids only find our later leading to accusations or corrosion etc.

She has made her decision and let them know and DS can throw a strop all'l she wants but she can't accuse OP or their brother of conspiring against her or that their mom was not of sound mind etc.