AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

I reflexively sneered when you said he refers to his daughter as “our child”. A prick like that doesn’t respect his child’s actual mother and he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you into picking up a share of his parenting responsibilities. I’d be repelled if a partner said something like that to me.

Don’t have a baby with this penis, whatever you do

Find a man without kids. Why is your self-esteem on the floor? I wouldn't have entertained shacking up with this guy in the first place. Run, be free.

@op clearly he's not your type. Don't accept the holiday invitation, nor time on this bitter and twisted narcissist.
Run.

Partner should be running away, fast.

You're not the stepmum. Tell him no. Find a new boyfriend.

You need to remind yourself that it doesn’t matter what he says, him saying it doesn’t make it true, he will say things because he thinks they might pressure you into saying yes, because his life will be easier with you there to parent. None of this is caring for you, all of it is deprioritising your wants. If he calls you an evil stepmom, you say ‘stepmum is not the same as mum, you do realise that.’ If he says she belongs on our holidays, you say I agree she belongs on your holidays, although you didn’t seem to care much about that when you went to Dubai for a month.

he’s a selfish hypocrite trying to use you to make his life easier while telling you it’s because he loves you because that’s more persuasive than the truth. Is he really worth it?

Don’t walk, run.

You must have no self respect whatsoever to still be with this dickhead.

I'm in two minds about this. I can understand why you don't fancy the holiday (3 year olds are lovely but quite hard work!) but then again you are effectively her stepmother. I think DP needs to accept you where you are at in respect of your DSM role - i.e. not 100% in yet. I think that is fine for now, but do you see yourself having children with this man, and if so where do you see DSD fitting in then?

No, she's not the stepmother, not at all. If he dumped OP tomorrow she'd have zero rights and would never see the child again if he chose that. She's just the girlfriend who is "pressured" constantly to be the nanny with the fanny and who her boyfriend uses to piss off the mother of his child.

If they get married, then she becomes the stepmother. Right now she has none of the stability or financial protection of being married, while he tries to jam her up with all of the responsibility of child care and tries to force her to pretend this is her own child.

She doesn't want to go, so that's that.

He can take them away for a few days as she suggested, or take the kid himself with his mother, a fair and reasonable suggestion too.

And OP should be either getting married or walking away quick smart.

Week on/week off is a lot for a toddler! Most mums wouldn’t agree to this!

How is the mother agreeing to a 3 week holiday? The child is very young, kids this age will not fully appreciate a swanky hotel. Op you are right to question things at this stage. Having a holiday with a child is a far different holiday if just adults. Everything changes.

Don't have a child with this man, don't marry him. don't go on holiday with him, don't continue to live with him.

You have a golden ticket to pivot your life- use it.

Don't think you really needed to 'mumsplain' it to me thanks...as despite not hearing this phrase before, anyone with a fanny would have to be a complete moron to not understand the definition! 😂

Men are berated and criticised on this forum unless they go for 50/50.

I’d hate 50/50 (which is why I didn’t agree to this). Not seeing my daughter for an entire week would be awful. 3 weeks away on a holiday abroad would be hell.

That's a some fantasy you made up that isn't mentioned or hinted at in the OP.

More about your own issues and insecurities of how men must be bad always. All the OP mentions is that her partner is excited and wants the person he sees a future with, to be part of his daughters world. That's it. No mention of being who cares, does the work. He even sleeps with and as a result presumably cares for the nights of his daughter while away. OPs literal listed issue is having to sleep on a sofa if she went!!

just playing devil's advocate. Could DP genuinely be trying to create a happy family unit?

As PP say, maybe this relationship is not for you. You are not ready to be a mum and you need to explain that to him.

If you stick with this relationship at what point would you feel like step-mum? Where do you see the mum-DsD relationship in 1/5/10 years? There are plenty of blended families here.

A holiday away sounds like it's too big a step for you.

He also deliberately winds up DSD's mum. He's not a nice dad.

She says she ‘can only imagine’ he does this to wind her up.

i.e an assumption 😂

I find people are more likely to say they go for 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance and then get a woman to do the parenting for them. Much like the guy is doing in this case.

I know a lot of good Dads who would do 50/50 because they love there kids and want to see them as much as possible.

Not all men are nasty

I can totally believe that the partner is delighted to spend time with his daughter, and yes sounds like he wants them to be a family and OP to take on the stepmum role.
But OP does not seem to be keen to do that, which is also totally her choice.

I don't see how you can continue this relationship with such differing wishes.

This one is, by the sound of OP’s report.

Well he sounds thoroughly unpleasant. Get someone pregnant and then fucks off with you. Now suits him for you to babysit. And he wishes to upset his child’s mother - what a catch!

Aim higher.