AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

If he talked about marriage without finding out how his new wife would get on with his daughter what would he be then? This chap can't win whatever he does is wrong in the eyes of MN.

I think I’m in a minority 🥴 but I’ll throw my two pence in anyway for what it’s worth.

YANBU for not wanting to do a 3 week holiday with a young child. It’s likely to be expensive, hard work and not much fun. I’d be reluctant with my own children and they’re older and less needy. It’s also a long time for her to be away from her own mum. It sounds like you and your DP are not aligned, and a stressful holiday of this length would cause the cracks to widen further and you risk feeling resentful.

Beyond that, there are some really strong views on here based on a very small amount of information from OP. Some of it is wild.

OP doesn’t suggest that her and DP were anything other than friends when he got his child’s mother pregnant. OP entered the relationship knowing that her DP had a child, and that child would be an important part of his life forever. They also moved in together after she was born and have the little girl 50% of the time. This is a fairly normal set up in this day and age of blended families. The idea that OP is free childcare and a ‘nanny with a fanny’ is a huge leap! Nowhere does OP suggest that DP takes advantage of her. In my opinion, and I may get blasted for it, OP cannot live her life in silo when she resides with this child 50% of the time. It isn’t clear whether her DP uses the phrase ‘playing mum’ or if that is the way she feels. She also says it is her opinion that he does it to piss off the child’s mother but doesn’t suggest that he’s actually said this, or gives any context as to why she feels this way.

If OP feels she’s being taken advantage of (which OP doesn’t say, but others are assuming), is with a man with no respect for the mother of his child, and/ or doesn’t have any desire to be part of this family unit, she needs to leave the relationship. IMO if you chose to reside with a man and a child, you have to expect that both the man and child will see you as a family unit even if you are not married- moving in together suggests commitment and a view to longevity. If you don’t want this, don’t live together. But you can’t live in silo, which others appear to suggest would be reasonable- that feels very dysfunctional.

you are with a man who has a child and that comes with responsibilities that it sounds like you don’t want. For the sake of yourself and the poor child you don’t want to be with, you should think about whether you want to stay in this relationship or not. That child deserves better.

He Sounds like a massive red flag. Why are you with him?

He got someone knocked up and then couldn't even stay with them.

He uses you and his daughter to piss his ex off.
He makes you feel guilty for not wanting to always provide childcare to his child .

You're in a relationship with someone who has a child. You don't seem to like the fact he is a dad. Go find a bloke without a kid. It's that simple.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. Before we even get started, 3 weeks away from their mum is a very long time for a 3 year old! Secondly, who do you think is going to get stuck with the toileting, night time disturbances etc? Third, why would you want to be involved in pee'ing off the mum of this child with whom you have no legal relationship beyond dad's girlfriend? God forbid he slinks off and that child has an accident whilst in your care - even a little knee graze because who do you think will get it in the neck? He is already guilting you by saying you don't love his child - please don't cave in. You and that child deserve better!

He is only thinking about himself and certainly not his child or her mother. The worst thing a parent can do is cause a rift between ex partner and their child. You do not want to be used in this way. Take the role of big sister with days out but this 3 week holiday sounds like a bad idea for both you and the 3 year old. If he can't accept your position you have some serious decisions to make.

My daughter were all for there dad so I had time for myself and more so on holiday. The sleep thing would bother me

She is his daughter and should be his priority. If you don’t want to be present and active in her life as a step mum then I would step away and find someone who doesn’t have or want children.

I’d be running for the hills. It was very irresponsible of him to have a child and then begin a relationship with you - it could happent again - to you

I don’t understand why you’re with a man who has a child when you can’t be bothered with the child. Go and find someone single and then you don’t need to deal with any of this.

Does he pay child support or avoid it with joint custody? Was he being pursued for child support and decided to seek shared custody? Did he offer his child's mother support or have to be chased for it? Was it in his financial interest to get joint custody and have you move in to provide childcare? Did he care for his child by himself before you moved in? What does he provide you with?

Absolute rubbish. You can be in a relationship with a man with a child WITHOUT stepping into a primary parent role. Stop encouraging women to date shit dads, and instead encourage them to have some standards. Women can be loving step parents. They are not support humans for lazy dads.

I’d be devastated if I was away from my 3yo for 3 weeks. I think if I were dating a dad of a 3yo who wanted to take them for 3 weeks I’d have to end it, because I couldn’t be part of doing that to another mum.

But she’s not a loving step parent. She should just leave before that little girl has a bigger attachment and remembers her leaving.

I’m not sure where this idea he’s a shit dad is from. He wants to spend time with his daughter and his partner - if he was prioritising a new partner and binning off his daughter he’d be a shit dad, but he’s prioritising the right person here - his child. And if op doesn’t want to be equal or second to a child, then she needs to be single or with a childless man.

He comes with the kid. Presumably you understood that when you committed to the relationship. He sounds like a good father. If you can’t accept his kid you probably should break the relationship off.

No way would I want to have gone on holiday with my own children for 3 WEEKS when they were 3. Far too long. Everyone will drive each other up the wall. Setting yourselves up to fail

Its time to go your seperate ways. There is no future for you in this relationship, you don't want the little one aroudn clearly but she is his daughter and always will be.

Tell him 3 weeks of childcare is not a “holiday” for you.

In fairness, I haven’t seen anything in the OP that suggests that she doesn’t want to be present and active in this child’s life … she just isn’t up for a three week holiday with her at a flashy resort. I wouldn’t have wanted to do this with my own children at this sort of age.

I think the dad has wildly unrealistic expectations. He wants her to “play mum”, refers to her as “their child” and, when the OP doesn’t immediately toe the line, accuses her of not loving the child.

Tell him if he needs to Co sleep then he needs an extra double bed for you to sleep in and not the couch!

As for everything else, I think children and parents are a package deal and you're either all in or all out.

Youre the free nanny - run, and run fast.