AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

I don't get the appeal. It's too much effort. I'd find someone who doesn't come with any family and his daughter is going to be his family. Sorry just doesn't seem like you are going to pull it off

Who’s paying for this holiday?

Yeah this.

And although you don't have to "play mum" (of course you don't!), if you're not keen on forming a family unit of the three of you, the whole thing isn't going to work. The child can't be made to feel that you don't want her - but it's FINE if you don't! But the relationship needs to end.

Him trying to piss off the mother of his child would be a massive ick.

Other than that, YANBU. DP has a big family and they’re constantly trying to get us to go on holidays with them. I’ve agreed to go on a smaller one but I absolutely do not want to sacrifice precious annual leave to be stuck in a holiday with small children. It is what it is.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if he starts suggesting “girls days” or whatever.

Kids that young don’t do very well on long holidays, and is he even allowed to have her for 3 weeks in a row at 4yo?

The whole thing sounds like a mess.

Get out while you can.

Dating some man who wants to palm his kid off on to you doesn't sound like a life enhancing, enjoyable relationship.

There seems to be so many of these men, guilt tripping their current girlfriend into doing his share of domestic drudgery, I don't understand the appeal.

Does he have money ?

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

Only partly. As you can tell from the hypocrisy about taking off when she was 18 months and yet coming over all sanctimonious father about it now, it's also to guilt trip you into being his free nanny.

A right prince all round.

He's not respecting you or your wishes whatsoever. It is up to you if you wish to go on holiday. Full stop.
To be honest, a 3 week holiday with a 3 year old is too long regardless imo. Will be really hard work.

Why would you 'love' his daughter?

Feel affection for, or be concerned for her welbeing yes. But 'love'?

She isnt your daughter so I dont know why it would be expected that you 'love' her and then if you dont yo're some sort of evil woman

He sounds like a right prick

He's not for you; I’m all for being a kind, supportive, step mum, but clear as day you can see that your partner is bigging you up as the mum figure, as he likes you helping him
on his Childcare weekends and holidays. This is making you uncomfortable and hes being forceful and putting the pressure on; it’s his way or no way!

who’s house is it?

I’d cut my losses and move on, lots of lovely men without children are about

A fanny that’s in use, is the point.

Why do you think he's your boss? He can say no to you all he likes, you don't have to accept it. Come on.

You aren't step mum. Not just because you're not married but because you don't know enough about kids or seem to want to learn with and for this one. Plenty of three year olds struggle with sleeping.

You're a nanny with a fanny to him.

Tell him that you're not her parent. You're her dad's girlfriend.

Also tell him what you will accept and stick to it. A week, for example. No more.

He has it made. He does 50:50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance, and he pressures you to 'play mum' so he doesn't have to do any parenting.

Why are you with a partner who does not respect the mother of his child?

I wouldn't want to take my own kids on holiday for 3 weeks. 1 week is more than enough!

Do you genuinely want this life , OP? The child isn’t going anywhere and you have a boyfriend who is expecting you to be mum to a child you don’t want.

If I was with someone with a very young child and I knew that going into the relationship, I think I would try to form a bond if I thought the relationship had a future.
Maybe I missed something? I don’t get why everyone is saying to bin him.
He sounds like a nice Dad, who sees a future with you and wants you to be involved in raising his child. He sound like he’s trying to encourage a bond not get free child care.
Do you love her? It kind of sounds like you don’t and he is hurt by the fact.
I think he is disappointed you don’t want to be more involved. Does he want more kids with you? Do you want kids?

Perhaps you just aren’t in a compatible situation,

Like I said though, maybe I missed something as everyone else seems to be saying something different 😂

Mate! The hills are >>>>>>>>

Sounds like he wants the three week holiday to cause maximum upset to the child’s Mum, but wants you there to do the parenting.

I would struggle to be with a man like this.

Maybe I missed something? I don’t get why everyone is saying to bin him.He sounds like a nice Dad

He's trying to force OP into being not his girlfriend who is nice to his daughter, but a substitute mother figure when the child already has a mother, coercing her into doing the parenting that is his job. He's getting sanctimonious about how OP must go on a long holiday with the child, exploiting his daughter by telling OP that if she doesn't do it (why the fuck should she?) then it means she is a terrible person who doesn't love his child. Even though he fucked off already on holiday when the child was half as old as she is now. He's using his child to emotionally blackmail her to his benefit.

OP reckons he's doing it to upset the child's mother, which really is bad enough, but he's mainly doing it so he can dump parenting on her and paint her as the unloving child hater if she refuses.

If you really don't get it, read OP again and the responses; it's very clear. His daughter has two parents, she doesn't need a second mother. This is entirely about him exploiting his daughter to manipulate OP so he doesn't have to parent. And to upset the mother of his child.

He wants you to be a mother to his child so that you can be a family. You don't want to be. There is nothing wrong with either point of view but they are fundamentally incompatible. I can't see this relationship lasting very long.

You are missing the pressure and the guilt trips. This isn't healthy.
If he loved her, respected her and saw her as his true equal he wouldn't do that, no matter how disappointed he would be if she didn't go on this holiday.

At the end of the day, the daughter isn't hers, nor is she a step daughter. Nothing the OP's written says she doesn't care for her, that there is no bond, she simply doesn't want to go on a 3 week holiday with a 3 year old and wants to wait until the daughter is older.