AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

Why does he want to piss off the mother of his child?

He just wants you to be free childcare.

You are not married and you are not her step mum. He wants you to go to make it easier for him to take on holiday! I wouldn’t go either! It will be exhausting and you’ll get left looking after her while he sun bathes and pops into some shops etc!

^^ agree.

He doesn't sound a pleasant man at all. Why should you want to collaborate in pissing off his ex? Why should you be his nanny with a fanny?

I wouldn't go, and I'd ditch him too. Just feel sorry for the child.

What attracts you to this man?

I don’t think its right (I wouldn’t choose to do it) to be in a serious relationship with a man who had a young child if I were not willing to fully and lovingly coparent. I would either accept the role of coparent or get out of the relationship.

in that wonderful MN phrase your the nanny with a fanny

Red flag - she has a mum and he is trying to piss her off by creating a new mum for the little girl. That shows what kind of man he is.

Imagine you have kids and then split that’s what he will do to you.

He has a terrible attitude and is also trying to off load childcare in the future on to you by keep saying you are a family and step mum.

Honestly I would walk away.

Also next time he tells you to play mum, "no dp, she already has a mum. I'm not her stepmother nor her mum I'm her dad's partner. It's not my job to play the role of her mum." Rinse and repeat.

Why are you with him?

A very expensive 3 week holiday with a small child seems like a waste of money to me, even if it was with my own children rather than my stepchildren (I don't have any stepchildren btw, I am just imagining). I'd prefer a week.

So to me the issue is less a stepmum issue and more an issue of him being unwilling to compromise. Is he always an "it's my way or nothing" type of person?

He doesn't sound like a good partner, a good dad or a very nice man.

Why does he think you should want to go? What has he planned to make it an attractive proposition for you? ATM it seems like it's all about what he wants.

Walk away

How would the holiday be paid for? If you are expected to pay for your share of a very expensive holiday then you need an equal say in it!

• He wants to piss off the mother of his child, why?
• he puts pressure on you to act as 'mum', does he have absolutely zero emotional intelligence, why on earth would he think this is whats best for his child as he clearly hasnt done any actual research on it
• he wont compromise with you, and also doesnt see you not wanting to go as a good chance to get some one on one time with his daughter....

Does he actually do any of the hard/boring parenting solo, or does he tend to take her round to his mums if you arent there....

Bin him.

I don’t think this relationship is for you. His child is so young and isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Whilst I think a 3 week holiday is too long you need to think whether you want to share your life with this man and his dc.

Walk away. He does not want you to play mum. He wants free childcare. I bet the next move will be suggesting girl time.

Well he's all kinds of absolute Wanker isn't he!

I'd be ending the relationship pronto.

Can't you see all the red flags? Why didn't you see them when he slept with someone else early in your relationship? It always amazes me the amount of shit women allow men just to have a man in their life.

I wouldn’t go on a three week holiday with any three year old (including mine)

I'd move out!

Obviously this type of holiday will not be ideal for a three year old or for you.
He's only thinking of himself.

If you continue this relationship, this situation will arise again and again in different forms. Unless you can really get him to see and understand your position and put some boundaries in place, then you will find yourself more and more frustrated and resentful as time goes on.
And given that he's the type of person who thins that it's a great idea to piss off the child's mother by forcing you into a role that is not yours, I don't hold out much hope of him being reasonable.

She will always be in your life if you stay with him and would be the older sister to your children together. From what you are writing maybe it would be best to find another man without children?

Is he even allowed 3 weeks unbroken access to his child?