AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

NWAF.

Yes, I'm afraid this relationship doesn't have 'legs' and is doomed to failure - not least because the bloke wants what HE wants and there appears to be little room for what the OP wants.

My partner (we're both women) have been together for 27 years. No holiday takes place unless we're both fully in agreement about it. That's what should happen in any partnership.

Separating all the relationship issues from the vacation…(and echoing some PP) assuming you want to be in a relationship with him….

3 weeks is way too long. This shows parenting inexperience to me on your DP part. Also unless they have a very loose parenting agreement mum will
not and does not have to agree to this.

over 3 weeks expect dc eating sleeping and toileting habits to change/ decline. Dc will tire of holiday mode irregardless of sun sand pool etc and want a return to routine even if dc cannot voice this.

dc will be in your life and this can be positive not negative if you and DP figure out clarify and stick to your roles. Maybe starting with this holiday.

Dont encourage the “mum” talk. She has a mum and you can have many other roles and “title” and no it doesn’t have to only be nanny with a fanny. You can have a relationship with DP who has dc but you have to talk about and figure out the roles. I was divorced in my 40s and this was true for me then also. Not just littles but bigger dc too.

couples can have messy starts but can be happy together. Approach DP with a compromise child friendly holiday. Listen and watch how he responds. It’s vital he is flexible.

Sounds like its his way or the Highway.

I'd take the Highway in these circumstances.

You're not this little girls mother, don't let him make you think you are, especially for the reasons you suggest, your post sounds like he wants to be a showman to those around him yet those closest must be the ones to accommodate his wants.

He's really not much of a decent person if all he does is get cross and argue with you and can't/doesn't want to understand why you don't want to spend 3 weeks away with his DD, also very dictatorial to state that you must go away with them as he won't have his DD miss out on holidays.
That's on him to take her and if he refuses then he needs to realise that it'll be due to him that she's missing out not you.

How long will you put up with being a staff member in this relationship?

Hard one isn't it. I don't agree that every bloke is just wanting free childcare. More likely, he wants sex during that 3 weeks and he can't get that from his mum, can he.

Also: sounds like he wants the full, family experience with you and especially as you've been there since day 1. If I had a child, and my partner didn't want to include that child: I'd have to end it with them.

You have the right to not want to go on holiday with his child. That's perfectly reasonable. But you wouldn't leave your own child out of holiday plans, would you? This might be hurting him. So, you and your partner are not compatible right now.

(3 weeks is far too long on holiday with a kid, even your own just fyi!!)

Maybe explain to him that your decision isn't personal. That you don't have a problem with his child. You could highlight to him that 'you' didn't get pregnant and that 'you' haven't decided to have a child yet and you want a few more years of child-free holidays. It isn't fair for him to dictate that you have to stop being free early just because of his actions.

If he isn't okay with you wanting a few more years to enjoy your freedom, especially on holiday, then that's okay too. You just split. The conversation doesn't need to be angry or accusatory. Just stating facts about your wishes on both sides.

@Pleasegetthefeta

Well, I think the first thing you need to do is decide whether or not you want to be a 'mummy' to his DD. Nothing wrong either way, but you need to decide what you want.

He apparently envisions you doing ALL the 'mummy duties' which probably means doing the lion's share of day to day care and mum-work. AND doing childcare if/when he wants to do something on his own and/or that when she is ill you'll be expected to take off work (because 'he can't') or at least share in the days off. Are you OK with all that?

You also need to think about how you would feel if DSD ended up living with you 100% of the time. Doesn't seem likely now, but we never know what life will bring. Are you ready for that?

So take a look at what you're doing now when DSD is there and decide if it's 'too much' or 'just right'. And more importantly if he is content with your boundaries. Because it sounds very much as if he is not.

Another very important thing is whether or not you want children of your own. And does he want more children? How do you envision this blended family working? Do you believe you'd be able to treat DSD equally to your own (shared) child(ren)? Because he will. Or do you envision your child being your primary concern with DSD secondary, meaning HE does DSD's care & takes time off when she's in the home but that you both co-parent your mutual child. Do you envision shared financials for both DC or 'you pay for yours and ours' and 'I pay for ours'. And you need to be brutally honest with yourself. I am not saying any of what I've mentioned is right or wrong. Because what is important is what is right to you and whether or not he'll be able to accept it.

Listen, I decided very early in my 'dating years' that I would never marry a man with children. I didn't want to be a stepmum. I didn't want my husband's attention split between his children and our children. That was my very valid choice. Other women may feel they can accept and flourish in a blended family. That is their very valid choice. Neither of those options makes a woman a better or worse person or mother. It's all about what a person wants for their own life. You need to make your very valid choice and if it is that your and his ideas of where his DD fits in your life are not compatible, then you need to end the relationship. Because it's not fair to either of you to try and make a life with such different ideas of what should 'be' and will cause endless strife, but especially because it's not fair to the child to live in a home where such strife exists.

PS the idea that he wants to 'piss off' DSD's mum is a huge, huge red flag and should not be ignored. Because this is how he'd treat you in the event of a breakup, children or no children.

YANBU for not wanting to go, but I think you are both unreasonable to continue the relationship. He has a young child and a non negotiable for any partner of his should now be that they can manage to make that child feel loved as if it was their own. That's not your bag, therefore I don't think you are compatible and the sooner you move on the better for all three of you.

I love my DS to distraction. I've always been absolutely devoted to him but my god a 3 week holiday without his routines would have tipped us both over the edge.

Likewise I was happy he got a week's holiday with his DGF but I also found it physically painful because I missed him so much. The little one's mum won't go for this surely?

You are being set up to do the childcare. You are not her step mum

You don’t have to go on any holiday for any reason.

Controlling and using you.
He wants an nanny with a fanny on holiday, and you are it.
She is not your child.
You are not her step mother.
You are thankfully not married.
You are the woman he is using at the moment.

He wants to piss off her mother?
Nasty piece of work too.

What is going on that you are accepting his bullying?

You need to wake up to your reality.
Telling you that you have to go on holiday with them?
Controlling and potentially abusive.
Wake up OP.
He's an arsehole.

Also, he didn’t have a child with you - he had a child with someone else. No amount of pretending will make that different.

If you do decide to end it with him be prepared - he sounds like the sort of man who gets nasty with exs.

No way will the child's mother allow her DD to go abroad for three whole weeks without her. It won't happen, she'll say no.

3 weeks on holiday would kill me, let alone practically a toddler. I’d be bored rigid by about day 5. I managed 2 nights in various towns on massive road trips.

I think, unless the 4 week trip to Dubai was with his dd, it’s highly unlikely that her dm will allow a 3 week holiday. I don’t think you should be doing ANY childcare, tbh.

Has he suggested the dates for this holiday? Do they happen to fall on any significant birthdays or anniversaries for the child’s mum? I’d be very surprised if it didn’t.

This. He sounds like a dickhead for a few reasons.

And innocent child being born into this.
Really sad

This. So petty and cruel. This would certainly make me reevaluate things.

He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays

She doesn't have to miss out, if they go alone.

Does he often dictate what you are/not doing?

Is this the man and life you want?

If this were the other way round the mother of the child would be appluaded for wanting to see if her partner is suitable for her child. There is no future for you both if you can't bring yourself to have even a short holiday away with them both.

Honestly? The dude pressures the OP to “play mum”. I suspect that he really wants to encourage her to feel as strongly as he does about his child - which is unrealistic. There was a thread a while ago where a load of step mums said that they were very pleasant to the stepchildren … but they didn’t feel strongly about them (to other posters’ horror).

Being a step mum means you can’t ever do right. Be pleasant but not very hands on and you are cold and unfeeling. Be really hands on and you are stepping on the actual mum’s toes.

I notice that you are not married - excellent! It’s time to have a sensible, matter of fact conversation about your role in this child’s life. You are not his wife and have no parenting role. It isn’t your job to step up and play mum whenever she is around. When she is next at your partner’s, make sure that you have some other plans (even if it is just something short). When he kicks off, it is important to say (matter of factly and unemotionally) that she is not your child and he should have some one on one time with her.

Three weeks is a really long holiday. It would use up most of her annual leave.

I get the impression he doesn’t want you to “play mum” I think he wants/expects you to be the mum, I.e do all the hard slog while he “plays dad” and does as little as possible. If he takes his very young child on holiday it’ll probably be a lot of work which he will have to do. If you go, in his mind you’ll basically do it all and he might get a shag. If his mother goes, there will be no shagging (one hopes/presumes) and depending on what his mum is like, she might not be keen to do absolutely everything.

I guess what I’m saying is, sack him off completely. He sounds like a twat and a terrible father, wanting to create animosity with his ex which will negatively impact their child.

Get out of this relationship. You are there solely to do a job of work for this unpleasant-sounding bloke and his inconvenient child.
What on Earth is the attraction here, given that a small child, his mind games with her mother, and his attitude of determination to bend you to his will are the principal characteristics of your relationship?
You were on hand at the perfect moment, when his new responsibilities as a parent hove into view for him. He had no intention of bearing that burden alone.

I think you'd have to be desperate for a man, any man, if you stay with him.