AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

YANBU to not want to go but I don’t think this relationship is for you.

If you get into a relationship with someone duty kids, you have to be prepared to take on a step parent role.

You need to remember that that child may one day live with you FT.

I have my own DC but I do not date men with kids under a certain age because I do not want to be a step parent to young kids.

I think you would be happier with a man who didn’t have a child and my concern is you’re wasting your life in a relationship you’re not compatible with.

Ok, it just seems like a lot of assumptions are being made from people.

Is it possible he does 50:50 because he wants to see a lot of his kid?

Is it possible he is trying to encourage a bond and is disappointed?

Maybe I am a bit naive! Some Dads are nice and like their kids, it doesn’t say anywhere that he makes her do all the childcare when his DD is there.

But either way if he wants her to be more involved (even if he’s not a lazy, using, ar*le)
and she doesn’t want to be, then o can’t see it working out,

Yikes, this situation is a mess and will only get worse as poor DSD grows. He acts like a child, get rid.

Anyway it doesn’t really matter as the OP clearly didn’t like any of the advice and went away 😂

This is a total projection. You don't know that the dad wants to piss off the child's mum, only that the OP has suggested it. You don't know anything about the child's mum , and you don't know a lot about the dad either.
Many children are brought up in loving homes with their dad and stepmum while at the same time having a good relationship with their own mum. It is difficult but not impossible.
I don't however think that this is one of them. These two people seem to have incompatible views of what the future looks like.

3 weeks is a long time for her to be away from her mum. Would she even agree that? Id get out of the relationship if you dont want to be stepmum as she will be sibling to your own kids you need to want to spend time with her. Sounds like you don't. I don't know why these posts are making out he's relying on you, seems like he's a good dad who wants to spend time with his child. You can't win on here. All men are wankers apparently.

Exactly. He’s a chancer. You are not responsible, he is. Jeezo, why are some men such dicks. Don’t fall for his shit op.

You all have to go? No you don't obviously, he wants you to behave as if she's your daughter,? you don't have to do this either, unless of course you want to. Tell him no and stand your ground. Three weeks with a hot, tired 3 year old in an expensive resort is no one's idea of fun, least of all hers, unless it's Disney

Has the child’s mother even agreed for her tiny daughter to be taken away from her to another country for as long as three weeks? The whole thing is void if not.

Any way round - do not do it. He’s taking advantage. If he genuinely wanted to be a family, he’d be talking about getting married. I’ll bet he hasn’t raised that so far, though. He’s a shyster. I’d take what I’ve learned about him over this and use it to inform a decision to put him in the bin.

This doesn't bode well for the future. Maybe suggest his mum goes with you as well and leave them to the childminding while you top up your tan.

Absolutely but I think a bigger red flag is him getting another woman pregnant in “the early stages of your friendship”
I really feel for you and am a bit shocked you are questioning yourself, you’re being really sensible and having boundaries. He’s not the one for you.

YABVU but I am curious about why you thought, "My friend, who has just got another woman pregnant, seems like a great prospect for a relationship and not at all like a messy situation from the outset."

@Pleasegetthefeta I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

There were so many men which you had the option of selecting...

... and yet this was the man you picked.

💯 this!!

He will treat you badly once he falls out of love with you. What a prince and a terrible role model for his daughter. I‘d have absolutely no time for a man like this. Save yourself the hassle and find someone else - he sounds like a horrid man.

Just no

Comment section is so weird.
You are being unreasonable by dating a man with such a young child but refusing to have any form of relationship or affection for the child.
can only imagine how different the comments would have been if a woman posted that the man she’s seeing is refusing to spend any time with her young child.
IMO, you are a red flag and he should dump you.

Would her DM let her go on holiday for 3 weeks? She’s only 3. Surely she’ll be asking for her mum. That’s a long time for an adult let alone a 3 year old. You’ve mentioned he wants to annoy his ex. It’s a horrible way to do it by weaponising his DD. I’d tell him you’d be willing to do 10 nights but not 3 weeks. It’s too long for her to be separated from her DM.

Honestly toss this one back and find one without baggage.

There's nothing worse than reading 'there are no more posts on this thread' Where do the OP's gooooooo ????

I don't understand all the angry women in this post red flagging the dad. I have a child and my partner has just wished "Happy Birthday to his future stepson" and my son is desperate to come to Japan for holiday with us.

I obviously would love for my child to come along. My partner's mum even mentioned we should take him with us (she's coming too). We went for a family holiday to Italy as well. My son has a father who is in his life as well.

Why is it so bad the other way around? Should he exclude his child completely?

Maybe OP is not ready to be a stepmum or in a serious relationship with this man?

I don't get this.

I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him knowing that got someone pregnant /and that he was having unprotected sex whilst he was still talking to me, too much going on there, wouldn't want the drama

You could say you will bring a friend to share another room with, allowing him to co sleep with child? He's going to be so busy with kid, you and pal can go out! Make it clear your not a holiday nanny and deserve to get out and about

Yup. He doesn't want to do holiday himself and do all the parenting. That's why he is desperate to get u there

at 3 years old , even a week is too long to be away from her mother and primary carer . This is not good for her . And absolutely no fun for you . flat no .

If he wants a family holiday, he needs to compromise and do something the whole family would like to do.

Would her mum even allow a three week holiday? It would have to be a very special reason for me to consider not seeing my dc for 3 weeks!