AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

5 pages in and op not posted again. Everyone needs to just stop wasting their time on these types of threads.

He sounds very controlling and possessive. If this isn't your ideal relationship with the love of your life, I'd be rethinking it.

No! That would be my worst nightmare! ;

Oops…..I didn’t notice that fact…..maybe the OP has actually gone on the three week holiday with DP and ‘non step daughter’ after all? 🤔🤔🤣🤣

Ok so you were just friends and weren't in a relationship when he got someone pregnant?
Ok so he never cheated or anything.
You say you imagine certain things are to pee off his ex so you imagine only then why?
I have been on loads of holidays with my 3 year old and she is good as gold but she is mine amd different when your own.
Its good that he plays an active role in his childs life but you seem like you don't want to and thats totally fine and understandable. I think you aren't suited and should go seperate ways as its clearly not going to work.

There is so much wrong here.

This girl's father wants to deliberately piss off her mother and wants to use you, his partner, to do it.

Why not just co-parent with her without starting shit? The only person that crap really hurts is his kid. So he's a shitty dad.

He's willing to put you in the line of fire while he tries to escalate conflict with his daughter's mom. Dick move. Do not let him do this. His co-parenting is between him and the mom and you will NOT be drug into the middle of that. He's a shitty partner.

You're not her stepmom. He sounds like he wants you along for childcare duty. He pressures you to play mom so you do the hard work and he has less to do. He's lazy, and again, a shitty father. And again, a shitty partner.

He moved in with you when his daughter was only a year old. Red flag. He moved really fast. Did he move into your place?

He went on a month long holiday when his kid was only 18 months old. Guess he's not the primary parent. 🙄

Do you really think he can get a 3 week vacation with a 3 year old? That's an awfully long time to go without seeing her primary parent, her mom. Again, shitty dad.

You would be foolish to continue this relationship.

Accused you of not loving his child ? Why would you , you hardly know her . He sounds delusional. And at only 3 you are in for years of this nonsense . Poor kid . Poor You . Get Rid .

He's a whole bunting of red flags isn't he.

His poor DD. And her poor mum. 😔

Does he think it's in a 3 year old's best interests to be abroad and away from their mum for three weeks?! 😔🤦😡

Have you heard the vile but accurate term "nanny with a fanny"? That's what you are at the moment. He's strong arming you into being a mother to his child and do all that mothering involves when this little one is away from her own mum for a whole week every other week(in the early years of her development) 😔 as well as being his partner.

I really hope posting on here helps you to see what a shit situation this is. The proposed holiday is just a fraction of it.

I don't know if you would eventually like children of your own but please for now whether you do or not, lock down on contraception. Don't have a baby with this walking red flag of a man.

Be the evil stepmother in his eyes then @Pleasegetthefeta if that's what it takes to wake this man up. It's not evil not to want a 3 week holiday with a 3 year old, they won't remember it, they won't enjoy it, after a week they'll just want Mummy. I don't know why your DP resents his child's DM but he does, he wants to pretend it's you, him and his DD and paint her out of the picture and that's not going to happen - maybe he thinks if you take on the role he could get full custody, who knows?
Tell him his DC does deserve a holiday but just with Daddy and only with the blessing of her DM. I don't think he's the man you thought he was Op, if he now wants you more as a second parent than as his DP I'd be looking for a way out

I wouldn't go near that guy tbh. He sounds horrible. He casually got someone pregnant, went for 50:50 (I can only imagine so he didn't have to pay child support) and now wants you to look after her.

You can do much better than this guy.

I’m more stuck on the fact you got with a man who got someone else pregnant when you started being ‘friends’. Why would you pursue that?

Yabu to continue this relationship. Or you'll have years of this conflict.

Point out this girl is not your child and that you have far more childcare responsibilities than you expected, especially as you are not married.
Three weeks is a long time to be looking after someone else's child, and why would you want to spend almost your whole holiday providing free childcare- I think one of the other posters might have a point that your DP's motivation may be to upset his ex, you don't seem to have been considered in this at all.

This whole situation sounds so messy. I say this as a stepmum with a very messy situation, currently taking on parental responsibility for my stepchild after 6 years of marriage. Your partner’s child is a non-negotiable in terms of the ways it is going to shape the future of your relationship. I agree with PP’s that she already has a mum - but I also see that perhaps your partner is wanting you to be a family unit, with his daughter as a central member of the family - and if you don’t want that this isn’t going to work. for what it’s worth my DSD also has a mum, I have no real
desire to be her mum and yet circumstances have forced me to take on that role because, well I married my husband and she is his child.

Putting aside the holiday- you need to think long term about what role you want to play in this family, and communicate that to your DP.

I can totally understand not wanting a holiday that revolves around childcare, as holidays with 3 yo children always do. On the other hand I can understand her dad wanting to spend three weeks with his child on a lovely holiday, and have his partner all in on the family dynamics. The issue is that you don’t want to be part of this family, you want a relationship with your DP that is separate from his parental responsibility. You want those responsibilities to be not your problem. That needs clear discussion and may well signal the end of the relationship.

Nanny with a fanny!!!! 🤣🤣🤣 Love it!!

Op??

Still around??

Any of this helping???

Absolutely this.

Walk away. Why aren't you allowed to say no?
Even if you were married I'd be concerned that he expects you to just agree to this type of suggestion.
It doesn't do the child any good or you for this to continue. You're a person in your own right, he's her parent, not you, so if you decide you don't want to be involved in something that's fine. Sounds to me like her mum is probably objecting to the holiday and he's then adding your name to the mix just to cause trouble.
My ds had a step mum from the age of 2, she totally despised him and wouldn't let anything happen without being involved as she was always ready to shout that she was 'really his mum' I much prefer the way you handle it.
If you don't want to go, then don't go.

Being married or not has zero to do with it. Many people in significant long-term relationships are not married nowadays. But if that relationship, married or not, involves children on one side, then you are a stepparent. That's not for everyone, but that's the choice OP has. If it's not for her, then she should do everyone including herself a favour and end this. It wouldn't be good for the little girl to grow up 50% of time in a household where one parental figure doesn't even want to go on holidays with her.
My partner and I have been together for more than 11 years, 2 kids each. Three now grown up.

It's used on almost all step-parenting threads.

Man with DC to look after finds a girlfriend to do the parenting for him. She also gets to do most of the housekeeping too, and gets paid handsomely in regular sex.
For this, she gets to treat the DSC better than royalty and never discipline them.

I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

You seem to think he's a bit of a dickhead. Why are you with him?

Why live together. Say to him you want to live separately and only meet for dates when he doesn't have his DD. His reaction will tell you everything

The most thankless of jobs that only very soft vulnerable women fall for.

Overwhelming majority of women wake up and deeply regret their choices.
The lucky ones up and leave.
The unlucky ones were persuaded to have children to tie them down, and find it harder to leave.....but many still do.

When these women eventually get out, they are relieved beyond words and say NEVER again.

You moved in together very quickly.....no surprise...#freechildcare

3 weeks away from Mum for a 3 year old sounds too much for the child to me.
And we all know, even those of us without kids, if the child isn't happy, nobody will be happy - on holiday or not.

You don’t seem very keen on his child though op, if you don’t ever want to play step mum then how is there a future here? She’s his daughter.