AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

Walk away op
He wants a nanny with a fanny
You deserve more.

Does he have her 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance?

Yes, good point. Why does he think he'll be able to take a 3yo abroad for 3 weeks?

Also as PP said, why would anyone want to?

I grew and birthed my 3 year old. I love, adore and marvel at every hair on his head. But the thought of spending 3 weeks away with him on this type of holiday is not one that I enjoy.

As is usually if not always the case - the child isn’t actually the issue.
This man doesn’t give a hoot about OPs feelings, his child’s mothers feelings, or his childs really if he’s intent on using her in this way.
Its a “no” from me 👎

Oh dear no. Go on your own holiday with a childfree friend or on your own.

Everytime a woman posts on here about dating a man with a young child it sounds like a headache.

Why do you want a headache? And why is he trying to push you into a mother role?

Would the child’s mother be ok with letting her go away for so long at such a young age? But leaving that aside, I think 3 weeks is too long a holiday with a preschool age child. We rarely went for more than a week when ours were very small and that was enough.

I haven’t read the entire thread just your opening post

Find a new DP , it will only get worse

It would not be much of a holiday for you as the default childcare while he is free to go wandering off. It would be different if it was a holiday with more adults present who could share parenting duties. I would be dropping the rope with this man. I have never wanted a serious relationship with a man who shares young children for this very reason. I am child free myself so why should I want t parent another woman's child?

And to pay for half of the holiday.

I don’t think you should continue in this relationship

You're focusing on entirely the wrong thing. Why would you want to be with someone who deliberately says things to his child to wind up her mum. Sounds like emotional abuse to me.

If he’s doing things to piss off the mother, if she asked him back he’d come running! Trust me I’ve seen it a million times first and foremost with my one farther. If he’s doing anything to “piss off her mum” he’s desperate for that woman’s attention and you are a place holder. Dump him. And don’t play along with this “playing mum” stuff it’s not nice for the kid.

Several things. 1. Who can get three straight weeks off work in this day and age? Does this leave him any annual leave at all to spend with just you? Why does he want to blow so much of it on one trip? Which sounds awful with a three-yr-old- they are hard work! 2. Why is he so horrid to his DD's mum? If he 'got her pregnant' as you put it, it doesn't sound like she did anything bad to him, unless there's a backstory. If he's capable of being nasty to one woman he's capable of being nasty to you too. 3. If he genuinely wanted to spend three weeks with his daughter he'd accept your decision and take her alone - he's not accepting it, so it's nothing to do with spending time with her. So ask yourself what it IS about. And then run for the hills.

I think you have a fundamental choice here. I assume you want children of your own one day. If you want him to be the father, you will end up parenting his child alongside your own fully. He is making it VERY clear childcare is your responsibility. If you not willing to do so you should walk away and find someone else.
If you never want children, you need to put your foot down NOW and make it clear you are not childcare and never will be. Refusing the 3 week holiday is a good start. Embrace the evil stepmother jibes, don’t let him guilt you. He needs to learn you will not “play mum”. I’m afraid though when that is finally clear to him, he will leave you.
Also, remember even if you go into this eyes open and have children, how he behaves with his child is how he will behave with yours should your relationship fail. Do you want an unwilling stranger being forced to ‘play mum’ for your children?
Personally I prize a man’s parenting skills very highly and even if I did not want children I could not respect a man who tries to palm his child off on his girlfriend. I’d be out.

OP you deserve better than this.

Why would you think he want you to play "step-mom" to piss of the mother's child? Has he actually said that?

Personally - he sounds like a good father. Many men would barely do EOW in his situation. He sounds like he is doing 50/50 - it's nice to see a man stepping up to be a father.

You two do not sound compatible. You can't really date someone seriously - if they have a small child 50/50 - and you do NOT want to be part of that child's life. It just does not work like that - it is not fair on the child. And it's not what you want, I presume.

I disagree with people saying he just wants you for childcare. He seems to want to share a life with you - and his life includes a child. If that does not work for you - you need to let him find someone who'll want the same as he does.

If you choose a partner with children, they are part of the package. It looks as though you don't want this. Time to reconsider the relationship?

100% this

Wake up OP. This is emotional manipulation 101 to the point you are questioning whether YOU are the one being unreasonable.

The ‘you don’t love my daughter’ response alone is:

Guilt Tripping: Making you feel responsible for the other person’s negative feelings because you refused to do what they wanted.

Blame-Shifting: Turning the focus away from your valid boundary and making your refusal the core problem in the relationship

Testing Boundaries: A pattern where a person treats normal, healthy limits as a personal rejection or a threat to the bond.

Plus all the stuff about how he treats the Mother etc that other replies have pointed out.

Take the rosy tinted glasses off and walk away.

If the roles were reversed…

but, he comes as a package him & DD

sounds like thats not what you want so the relationship is over

Run a mile, don't look back 👍

"I'm not having my daughter missing out on holidays" is a strange thing to say about a 3 year old. Do they even know they are on holiday? A paddling pool in the garden will have the same interest. She won't be making Instagram posts about daddy not dragging her through airports to get to a toddler pool in Greece.

I do like this phrase, but don't most (if not all) nannies have fannies? I assume maybe you get male nannies but that wouldn't work for the meaning of the phrase unless ALL nannies were usually male?

But most fathers don’t have sex with their children’s employed nannies. Nanny with a fanny is a girlfriend/wife who the father expects to take over childcare responsibilities whilst also getting to have sex with them. Like the phrase ‘nurse with a purse’. All nurses will have some money, it’s referring to the other person’s access to the money.

I don’t think a relationship with this man is for any woman