AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

• why is he trying to piss off the mother of his child?
• he left on a holiday for 4 weeks and didn’t see his 18 month old in all that time?
• would he even be granted 3 weeks holiday with her?
• is he expecting you to foot part of the bill of this expensive holiday, where you’ll likely be looking after his child the majority of the time?

op, he sounds like a waste of space. A dreadful parent and a dreadful partner. I’d call it a day. It won’t get better, the deeper in this relationship you get the more he’ll just expect you to be the childcare, and continue phrasing it as though you’re not an involved step mother if you don’t oblige. Don’t have children with him.

For what it’s worth, if you’re dating someone with a child you have to be okay with the fact that the child could end up living with their dad 100% of the time should something happen to their mum. It would still be HIS responsibility to parent her, but would you be okay with her there all of the time? If not, you should call it quits now.

The child has 2 parents.

The father needs to be the one who "parents" surely?

Like fuck he's going to be the one staying awake all night trying to get a toddler to sleep in a strange bed/room.

Do you know what @Pleasegetthefeta . I think you can do better, a lot better.

I would bet you a shed load of fancy stuff that if you refused to go on holiday with him and the child, then the only holiday the poor child would get was a week or two at home with Mr GodsGift’s put upon mum while Mr GG shoots off to flaunt himself and search out another patsy to replace you.

You’re not an evil stepmum, like you say you’re his partner, free to do what you want and if he doesn’t like it, tough luck. Don’t let him boss you around and manipulate you. Just because he says things, doesn’t mean they’re true.

I think he wants you three to be a family, and you don't want to form a family with his DD. It's not going to go well.

You didn’t read my whole post, did you? 🤣

Why are you with a man who wants to piss off the mother of his child?
Why did you get in a relationship with a man with a baby when you would find a holiday with his child stifling? It doesn't sound like you want to be a step-parent so you shouldn't be in a relationship with a parent.

Why are you with this man? He got someone else pregnant while getting to know you, so already there I would have let him go. But it also doesn't sound like you're prepared to be a step mother, which is totally fine, but then I don't understand what you're doing with a man who has a child.

I think he's forgotten that his daughter already has a mother.

Trying to force OP into a position/job/relationship that is not hers to have is an awful thing to do to the child and her mother as well.

Op, are you crazy??

Not sure how old you are but I would be dropping this bloke like a hot brick

What does the day to day look like, OP? What does ‘pressuring you to play mum’ mean?

He should be doing the vast majority of the work relating to his child, but if you live with a small child 50% of the time it’s unrealistic to think you can have nothing to do with their care.

Did he move in with you, you with him, or both of you to a new home? What did you agree on splitting finances, housework, and child work?

As to your question, YANBU to not want an expensive 3 week holiday with a toddler.

This alone would be enough for me to end the relationship, so for me, talk of a holiday is irrelevant.
Even if the mum was awful/deliberately tried to "trap him" as some men say, and has caused all kinds of issues, if he is choosing to be a dad, he should be decent and respectful to her. He doesn't have to be her best friend, but trying to upset your kid's parent is not ok.

I’d be really surprised if DSD’s mum agreed to not seeing her for 3 weeks. That’s a long time at that age. It doesn’t make me feel like he’s picking a holiday to suit his DD.

If you don't feel like walking away right this minute, establish firm boundaries, with a few expletives thrown in so he gets the message loud and clear -

I will go on hols with YOU, just the two of us, where do you fancy?
I will go on hols without you, with my friend, so you can take your child wherever you wish.
I am not her stepmother or her mother. I like the child, but she is not mine nor my stepchild.

His reaction to this boundary setting will be your answer as to how he views you.

He will either be shocked that you are so stunning and brave to say this clearly and honestly, or shocked that you actually have a life outside of his needs and wants too.

He's a weasel. Test him.

This. A few weeks without my DD would kill me now and she’s 10, never mind 3. It’s too far to be away from your mum in my opinion unless mum is a waste of space.

You should never have got into a relationship with a man who had had a baby with a woman he'd not been with for long and while the child was still young.

Better to let this relationship go @Pleasegetthefeta it's not going to work long term...

My friend's DD got into a relationship with a man 2.5 years ago who left his wife and 18 month old son for her. She was all like 'you can't choose who you fall in love with, we're soulmates lalalalalala...' and thought they were a perfect match and would always be together etc...

2.5 years later, on they've bought a place together (8-9 months ago,) and the little boy who is 3.5 years old now is with them about 35% to 40% of the time, including 3 out of 4 weekends. They don't have a minute on their own hardly when he's there, and the boy is a handful.

She (friend's niece) is whining and moaning, and her parents and friends are like 'WTF did you expect?' He's putting his son first and she doesn't like it.

,

Has he presented 'his idea' of a 3 week holiday to DSD's mother? Has she agreed to it?

dump

My partner got someone else pregnant

Oooh sounds like someone I’d have definitely fallen for.

Wouldn't one week do? Would you be OK with that. That seems like a reasonable compromise. A 3 week holiday seems pretty unusual in any circumstances.

If he's not willing to compromise then just say no. And possibly not just to the holiday tbh.

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together

so the timeline

you became friend
weeks later he “got someone else pregnant”
a few weeks later you began your relationship with him whilst this “someone else” was carrying his baby
and 18 months later you moved in together

yes?

how about he goes for as long as he wants, and you join for a shorter time, so both your preferences are met? Maybe a week in the middle?

Holidays with any child under 5 are rubbish let alone 3 weeks for the very first one.
A week max IMO.

The daughter comes with him as a package.
You cannot separate them apart. As if she is a limited visitor only.
He is not wanting you to play mum to piss off his ex.
He wants his daughter to be happy. And he wants you to be. For you all to be.
He simply does not understand your reaction at all.
You have been very unfair developing a relationship with a man who has a child but you only want it to be the man.

”Holidays” with 3 yo’s are anything but! Why doesn’t he do a 10 day holiday with her somewhere she’ll enjoy (ie Sandy beach in the UK) and a separate holiday with you?