AIBU to refuse a three week holiday with partner and his daughter

[Pleasegetthefeta]

My partner got someone else pregnant in the early stages of us being friends, eventually our friendship developed into a relationship and when his DD was 1yo, we moved in together. Partner has DD week on/ week off. DD is now 3. We have no shared children and I don’t have a child.

DP pressures me quite a bit to “play mum” and refers to DSD as “our child” - I can only imagine to piss off DSDs mum.

We recently went on holiday for 4 days (during a time when he didn’t have his DD) and he kept referencing going on holiday with as a family next year. His idea is a 3 week holiday to a very expensive holiday resort.

This sounds stifling to me, but I totally understand why he wants to go with his DD. DD is not a good sleeper (who is at 3!), and I feel over the 3 weeks it’ll just been DD cosleeping with DP, and me on the couch.

I’ve suggested that he goes with DD on his own, perhaps with his mum, and enjoy the time with her that way. This caused an argument and he accused me of not loving his daughter. I said I was happy to go on a smaller holiday with her, and save the bigger holidays until she is older, but he said no. He said we all have to go, and he’s not having his daughter missing out on holidays.

If I go, I’ll hate it. If I refuse, I’m the evil step mum.

DP went to Dubai for 4 weeks when DSD was 18 months old… so not like he doesn’t understand that some holidays aren’t compatible with kids!

Aibu??

Most nannies don't provide their employer with use of their fanny!

He doesn’t want to go on his own with his DD and is insisting that you go too because he knows that it will be boring solo parenting on holiday for 3 weeks. He’s talking shit when he pretends to be virtuous with all the ‘I’m not having my DD miss out on holidays’ because this is not at all what you have suggested! He just can’t be bothered doing it on his own. He’s obviously picked an ostentatious holiday for his own ego too, rather than because he thinks that a 3 year old would like it.

Also, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to co parent abroad for 3 weeks for a young child that isn’t yours. I would hate this. My DC is a teen now but I even found holidays with them a bit intolerable when they were young.

If I had a 3 year old and a boyfriend, and the child free boyfriend wasn’t enchanted by the idea of spending 3 weeks making sandcastles, playing mermaids, brushing tangled hair, going back to the room early, not really having a drink, and wrangling the iPad off them - I would completely understand.

Can’t get over the fact that you actively pursued/engaged in a relationship with a man who’d just gotten another woman pregnant. Seems like you were the other woman.

so remind us......why are you still with this prince among men?

If you're looking for a long term relationship cut your losses and get out now. You want different things.

The phrase "disney dad" springs to mind here 🙄

I lost you at the "probably to piss off her mum" what kind of a man is he?

Either you are in a relationship with a man AND his child (as he has her 50/50 by the sounds of your post) or you find someone without children.

I feel sorry for the little person in the middle of this.

Insist that he employs a full time nanny for the 3 weeks. If he refuses then it is clear that YOU are the full time nanny (with a fanny…)

Small children want very basic things. Attention from a child friendly adult and a beach, walks, playground, sing songs. This can be done at home or faraway. The child is only little and a week would be sufficient. Then she would slowly get to know you to gently form a family relationship. He is forcing his rules on you and the child like a construct. He wants the top end holiday and childcare along with him. You are the resource ( as his mother may well be too) And his attitude to the mother of the child stinks. You sound sensible and caring so be in the relationship with him with awareness of who you are and how he sees you. And he will say whatever it takes to make you toe the line his way. An understanding Dad would negotiate with the Mother as to what woukd work for the child.

After that there is no point being in the relationship unless you are prepared to fully co parent.

I expect he’s asking you to stump up half the cost because single occupancy will be ££££. Also sharing a room will be shit as will her going to bed early whilst you sit in silence in the dark or on the balcony. I expect he will be sloping off for a drink and leaving you to babysit.

Also not sure her DM or the DD would benefit from being apart for 3 weeks - that’s too long at that age.

Hes a shit bitter misogynistic Dad. Don’t have kids with him, don’t waste your fertile years raising his child. Get gone.

This, basically. Neither of you is wrong, but he wants to be a family and you as a stepmum, and you clearly do not. I can't see this working long term.

Also see “nurse with a purse”

He wants the holiday and it will be useful to bring the child along too.

Find a man without dependant children, they do exist.

You do not need to coparent at this stage in the relationship. You do not have to agree to the 3 week holiday with a 3 year old if you don't want to.

What you need to do is establish some boundaries within the relationship. You seem to be quite passive. Wake up!

He wants you to do a lot of the parenting, and is upset that you are not slipping into the role he has designed for you.

Why does he want to go away for so long? I wouldn’t want to go away that long with anyone! I start to miss my home and routine by day 10 🤣

@Pleasegetthefeta
Oh lovey love, love
The first paragraph of your message alarmed me
He got someone pregnant when "first" with you
And now expects you to practically nurse maid HIS child?
When you've yet to even have your own??
And why does he so want to piss the child's mother off?
Look,
You're having a supposedly Happy Families scenario rammed down your throat by a man who's using you as free subservient childcare
And if you don't leave him now
Then just buy yourself a nanny's servant uniform why don't you?
Or
You can give yourself permission to walk away from this insensitive knob

I think you might be better having a relationship with someone who doesn't have a child.
You sound as though you resent her and it will probably only get more difficult as she gets older.
Incidenit It's not unusual for a 3 year old to be a bad sleeper.

He is a father and the child is not going anywhere. You will be a step mum if you stay with him. If this isn’t the life and relationship you want, walk away now.

^This.

@Pleasegetthefeta
Sorry, but he does seem to treat you and think that you're there as unpaid staff which is insulting if he really loves you.

What will he do if you flat out refuse to go?

I'd be very firmly considering my options...firstly how do I get out of this mess? Who owns/rents your home? Can you afford a place of your own?

I think your can probably find a much nicer partner.

His child has got a mother and doesn't need another one. If he is deliberately referring to his daughter as 'our' child, meaning yours and his, he is being very disrespectful to his ex and just trying to upset her. He can't just wipe her out of the picture and pretend that she doesn't exist.

This behaviour doesn't show him in a very good light so I think you should have second thoughts about being in a relationship with him.

@Pleasegetthefeta this isn't the right relationship for you.

I think it's good he is stepping up as his role as dad, albeit far to obsessively about you playing "mum". You are absolutely right to be playing step-mum rather than mum.

But as for the holiday, if he wants to go away for 3 weeks with you and his daughter, then it's kinda sweet he wants to spend that much time with her.

I can't imagine the girl's mum agreeing to 3 whole weeks away from her daughter though??

Personally I'd just walk away from this relationship. He comes as a pair, and you clearly aren't keen on that.

Who the fuck takes an 18 month old away from her mum for FOUR weeks.

Throw this one back, @Pleasegetthefeta , he’s not a keeper. His attitudes are way, way off what’s right.

No way in hell I’m taking on someone’s toddler when I don’t even have my own kids. Madness. People with their own kids will tell you it’s not much of a holiday and hard work , it will be a miserable one for you!