To think our DSs achievement is a lot down to me?

[Stayinganontoday]

I know it’s all his hard work, but I did a lot of the encouragement on the side.

For context he’s the first in his family to get into uni. His parents just finished secondary school and (and so did the previous generations).

Before I entered his life (he’s technically my stepson) he only aspired to get his GCSEs and go into social care.

Today he got his results and he’s going to a Russell Group uni.

Im extremely proud of him, but I also think he wouldn’t have don’t it without me. So AIBU for being so proud of myself? (and him obviously!)

Surely that is just a normal part of good parenting?

His success is his own and you have provided the required support as a parent.

Yabu 😩😩😩

That’s irrelevant, would you have blamed the quality of your support if he hadn’t achieved good results? Or are you only responsible when things go well? It’s not a difficult question to answer 😂

Not really! I mean he’s already done better than his parents, so still a success in my book

You should defo make this more about you.

Why is it so important to you to think your DSs achievement is a lot down to you?

'but I’m the one who sat with him to write and revise his personal statement.'

'Im extremely proud of him.'

You must also congratulate the person who taught him how to use capital letters and apostrophes.

With my girls, regardless of our support, their achievements are, as I see them, very much their own. Yes, our support made it a lot easier for them to get where they want to be, but they were still the ones in the hot seat. We weren't the ones doing the studying, the exams, persevering when all they wanted to do was give up. I'm incredibly proud of THEM, and THEIR achievements.

Well done OP. I feel similar about certain people/things. But the "silent happy glow" mentioned by @BumblebeesandPaperbags needs to be enough. Somewhere along the line, your input will be recognised and appreciated, and keeping quiet about it reflects better on you, and is ultimately more satisfying 😊

A very unbecoming attitude on your part.
Be glad that the kid has blossomed of course, but for the love of Mike keep it to yourself if all this crowing is the way you frame his achievements.

But she isn't his parent. She is his step parent, and has been a good role model, aspirational, helpful etc. His actual parents could have helped him with his personal statement, helped him with his coursework etc but they either didn't or couldn't. There is a reason why kids who live in deprived postcodes or who have issues at home or are the first in their family to go to University get contextual offers. It's because they don't get that help at home often so have more hoops to jump through than kids who's parents have high expectations and aspirations for them. My husband had a breakdown a couple of years ago and has been fuck all help with the kids for the past 2 years. I did all the uni visits, the revision timetables, the parents evenings, the reading through essays, the sending of news articles, the taking to museums etc etc. My DS worked bloody hard but so did I frankly.

I did all these and more for my son. He also got into a Russel group uni today and got 3A*. However it's all him, it was all his effort. You where just being a parent, the job you signed up for

🤣 So no admission she didn't do as well as she could because YOUR parenting to instill a better work ethic earlier in her life, and mentoring to get her to apply herself, wasn't good enough? Its ALL on her alone........

Can't you see that is hypocritical.

She was just fed up of it!

We followed the one parent / one language for years and by that point she had had enough.

"Before I entered his life (he’s technically my stepson) he only aspired to get his GCSEs and go into social care."

Russell Group universities offer social care degrees so if OP's DS wants to follow his heart (rather than the OP's plans for him) he could still do so.

This.

Oh my!

talk about taking the shine off the lads achievements.

parents job is to support snd encourage and help them reach their goals. We all do it - it’s called parenting.

when my toddler got rid of his nappies and started wearing’ big boy pants’ all the family encouraged and applauded him for being out of nappies and for being a big boy - no one clapped me for dealing with all the accidents and reminders for going on the potty or wiping up the accidents or doing all the soggy washing - as it was HIS MILESTONE not mine! My role was to support him but the praise was all his !

this is HIS MOMENT - not yours. Stop puffing yourself up and start congratulating and celebrating HIM not yourself!

That's a failure you need to own then OP.

Ugh, my parents were like this, everything i have achieved is down to them, they are still claiming it now. As a parent or step parent its our job to support them, its still on them to make the best of that support and then for us to step back and let them have the moments. Celebrate your own achievements, you sound needy for praise. Yabu

I had a housemate during master who got GCSE went into work - then couple years laster did A-level at night school when you used to be able to do that.

She was starting her social work degree - few years older than many undergraduates though not so much for her course.

So yes with less support and longer path many people still get places they want to go - but OP probably helped with ambition and cutting some years off path - maybe steering him in a better direction. Often felt like DC secondary - that went down hill -was dulling the kids ambitions not supporting or encouraging them.

I think most teens do better with support and some belief and push - from home or school - think it's one of those social economic advanatges that many assume just happens or is the norm and for most of MN it is and is part of parenting but for some it's not and here it's come from step parent who could have ignored the need entirely.

But yes it's not the done thing to mention it OP even if it real burden on you.

, my parents were like this, everything i have achieved is down to them, they are still claiming it now

The DGP have cliamed that - while dismissing DH and our contributions - that was odd but laughed off by everyone.

That’s great you’re appreciated for the help you gave your stepchild to realise their ambition. That should be enough for you. The fact you’ve started a thread makes me think this isn’t enough for you and you
now want praise heaped on you from strangers on line. That’s a shame as it isn’t your day.

Yes you are right, and NOT being unreasonable. I believe family support and encouragement is the biggest contributor to a child’s success, after all why do ethnic minority children from working class backgrounds perform better than their white peers?

You should be proud of yourself as well.

www.suttontrust.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Class-differences-report_References-available-online.pdf

Yes. Be proud of yourself, OP. Parenting is hard. Getting kids through School with no major mishaps and on a path they are successful at is giving them a great start in life and that's something to be proud of. Especially if that's included encouraging them to see possibilities that are outside their family experience.

Oh dear