AIBU to want us to move to Australia in later life?

[OneFedUpFarmersWife]

First time poster. I will give some context for this post. Been married to my DH for 31 years we have a 30 year old DD. This is my second marriage and I have two DD from that relationship. I am 70 and my DH is 74. He is a farmer on a tenanted farm and his family have been here over 100 years. My eldest DD emigrated to Australia 9 years ago and has a great life. I was heart broken when she went taking my two GDC with her ( kids are now14 and 10) I try to get over every year to see them and I love Australia, My youngest DH and her husband have said that they are looking to get a visa to emigrate. My heart dropped but I told her she should try as it’s a great place for kids and it’s something I would have done given the chance. I have told my DH that I want us to emigrate too and he’s said ‘no’ without any discussion. I have lived abroad before so the thought of moving to another country does not faze me. My DH has always lived in this house. He’s a bit selfish to be honest. We had discussed him retiring as I would like to move to our other house which will be much easier to maintain. I’m starting to worry a bit that something may happen to him and I’ll be left with this farm to sort out and live in this big house till I can move. He doesn’t seem to be bothered. He decided not to retire without discussion as he likes farming. I want to go to Australia to spend what time we’ve got left with my DDs. I couldn’t bare the thought of the youngest going. AIBU to want us both to emigrate?

Did you miss the part where he's a farmer?

2 years.

The biggest risk is the medical test, you likely won't get that for 1-3 years after being granted the bridging visa so you won't know for a while if you are going to be able to stay.

So the OP’s daughter needs move out there
become a resident for 2 years
apply to become a sponsor
and then the Op can apply for a visa and bridging visa

So years away

One thing to check is your UK state pension. My understanding is that you can draw it- but that it doesn't increase in Aus- IE if you left this year,it remains at whatever you receive now and no triple lock. If you are awaiting visa, I don't think you can access any Aus benefits. Also look into tax- IHT etc. You need careful financial planning

YANBU!

Sounds to me like you're with a stubborn selfish old man, stuck in his ways and not interested in your happiness who will work until he drops.

Could you divorce and get yourself over to Australia? Even in the worst case that you couldn't move permanently you could surely have some very long holidays between Australia and Moldova and enjoy life before it's too late.

There is a medical test that occurs as part of the process. And for people from many other countries no medical costs are covered by australia whilst they are waiting (unless they are from a country that has a reciprocal agreement). However immigration is always a political topic and the UK agreement could be terminated and/or the bridging visa scheme could be changed so its not a low risk decision.

@OneFedUpFarmersWife I think you should move to Australia and you are not being unreasonable at all in wanting to be near 2 of your DD’s and their families. Being as your other DD already lives in Moldova that would mean all your children would be living abroad anyway. You sound like a confident, worldly wise, young at heart and fun person to be around so your grandchildren would absolutely benefit from having you living near them and basically involved in their lives in real life rather than through zoom etc. The fact that you’ve previously lived in different countries is a bonus and proves that you can adjust and settle easily. I believe that ‘home’ is where your family are, like a feeling almost rather than an actual building or place so wherever you and they are doesn’t really matter providing you’re together. You’ve obviously looked into visa’s etc and it seems straightforward enough, your DD’s want you to move, so just go for it. Too much dithering and overthinking these things ends up with one year rolling into the next and before you know it 5 years have lapsed and you’re still just at the ‘talking and thinking about it’ phase!

She had some money from the sale of her small house but she wasn’t well off. I don’t know about the son but he certainly wasn’t rich.

That’s not really fair - just because he doesn’t want what she wants doesn’t make him stubborn or selfish. You could equally say he’s stuck with a stubborn selfish old woman who isn’t interested in his happiness.

If one wants to be in Australia and the other doesn’t then they can’t really stay married, but that’s something OP will have to factor in to her decision-making. He would be wrong to stop her going; she would be wrong to force him.

Well this is the part that needs to be discussed. If he doesn’t want to give it up then OP can go on her own.

With presumably much much less money!

It's not the Australia thing that is stubborn and selfish, its the whole doing everything his way without compromise. Running a farm is a 24/7 job, OP should be retired and enjoying life with her spouse.

He is 74
He has lived on this farm in this house for his entire life

Clearly an unhappy marriage
Will that be any different in Australia?

Then she shouldn’t have married a farmer!

But surely, she could have expected home to retire. They have another house.

Just leave him. I can’t imagine what’s stopping you if all the kids are in board. Surely after 30 years of marriage you won’t miss him 😂 if he’s that age and still working he obviously isn’t too bothered about your time together.

I would do some research, Australia doesn't usually accept anyone over 35 unless they are independently wealthy.

Sounds like you need to go on your own - would you be ok with that?

A generational farmer who has lived in same house for 74 years?

I can’t say I’m surprised he’s not keen

Are you sticking up for this man that makes all his decisions without consulting the OP. As the OP pointed out, he is the 3rd generation tenant farmer which means the farm can’t be passed on to a family member again. She has done what he wants. He should have retired years ago. Now it is time for him to do what she wants.

Her other daughter has already been there for 9 years

@OneFedUpFarmersWife, a few PPs asking if you would go on your own. I am curious. It is a dilemma, you say your DH is a bit selfish. Only you know the in and outs of that.

But could you go on your own?

Can I just say what a lovely mum you are to encourage your second daughter even though you don't want her to go.