AIBU to want us to move to Australia in later life?

[OneFedUpFarmersWife]

First time poster. I will give some context for this post. Been married to my DH for 31 years we have a 30 year old DD. This is my second marriage and I have two DD from that relationship. I am 70 and my DH is 74. He is a farmer on a tenanted farm and his family have been here over 100 years. My eldest DD emigrated to Australia 9 years ago and has a great life. I was heart broken when she went taking my two GDC with her ( kids are now14 and 10) I try to get over every year to see them and I love Australia, My youngest DH and her husband have said that they are looking to get a visa to emigrate. My heart dropped but I told her she should try as it’s a great place for kids and it’s something I would have done given the chance. I have told my DH that I want us to emigrate too and he’s said ‘no’ without any discussion. I have lived abroad before so the thought of moving to another country does not faze me. My DH has always lived in this house. He’s a bit selfish to be honest. We had discussed him retiring as I would like to move to our other house which will be much easier to maintain. I’m starting to worry a bit that something may happen to him and I’ll be left with this farm to sort out and live in this big house till I can move. He doesn’t seem to be bothered. He decided not to retire without discussion as he likes farming. I want to go to Australia to spend what time we’ve got left with my DDs. I couldn’t bare the thought of the youngest going. AIBU to want us both to emigrate?

You need to start detangling your finances. Get legal advice because might benefit you to change house to tenants in common (or whatever means you own half and can force a sale - but it does mean you don't automatically inherit the other half so needs advice).

It sounds like you may end up splitting and it will be easier if you sort the finances now.

I don't blame your partner. If he hasn't lived anywhere else: that is a huge ask. He might agree to it eventually, but no doubt homesickness would kick in.

It's tough to undo that many decades of conditioning, he can't be expected to be okay with uprooting his life now. And you might also regret it tbf. Living somewhere is different to holidays or short-term living.

If you are actually able to go then go without him.

I know a couple who wanted to move there in retirement. The visa was turned down didnt have enough money. Go for long holidays.

If I could get a visa I’d be there like a shot. Go on your own if he’s selfish. Life is too short for selfish partners.

You need to actually look into if you can actually get visas. A friend of ours whose son lives in Australia and has a business there was tirned down recently. It definitely isnt as easy as it was years ago. He was told he could go for 2years then had to return to the UK for 6 months

He really isn't selfish - he just doesn't want what you want. You may have to decide to go on your own (if possible) - if moving to Australia is more important than your marriage.

Not entirely sure I'm understanding this. Do you have two daughters from a previous marriage and one with him? Or two daughters with him?

It is the eldest and youngest DDs. Oldest
lives in Australia, youngest planning to go. Oldest from previous relationship, youngest from current relationship, I think!

If both your children and their families are there, you have a better chance of getting a visa so long as you have enough money for your retirement and can prove it.

Start looking at your finances and separating them out from your husband.
Sounds like you want different things going forward .. you want to be near your children and grandchildren, but he doesn't have those ties so doesn't care ... I'd pick my family over him personally and make plans to divorce and go.

YANBU to want to emigrate, but you can’t bully DH into it.

Would you have sufficient assets to emigrate if you divorced?

What about youngest ?

Farmers do not usually retire. The ones that I know farm for as long as they can, even if it means reducing their livestock to be able to manage. I can't imagine what most of them would do if they were made to retire, to be honest! They'd probably still have a few sheep and chickens!

Also, he's not selfish for not wanting to move to Australia. It's just that you both want different things.

YANBU

But I don't think he's being unreasonable either.

You wanting to go to Australia is as valid as him not wanting to go to Australia.

The best compromise will be splitting your time between the two. Leave him here and spend 6 months of the year over there (maybe in two three months blocks if you can afford the flights?).

What about your middle DD? Do you not want to spend some time with her?

Unless you can prove that you have enough money too be able to self fund the rest of your life you won't be able to get a visa.

Not sure if I’m being honest how I would feel about that if I was the one living in Australia - it’s a different thing people coming over for the odd couple of weeks every year or even twice a year if they can afford it - especially if they need to stay with you - I would feel kind of obliged to see them all the time if it was3 months and I personally wouldn’t want elderly parents staying with me half the year - and I love my father in law ( only one left) to bits and if they stayed somewhere else I would still feel very obliged !

It's a massive decision at 70+. Even if you got a visa, future health issues and potential care needs must be a prime consideration. It would be really unreasonable to move down there and then expect your adult children to care for you. Your life is here, this is where you have chosen to live. Some (not all) of your kids have made different choices. That's it.

It’s likely we are going to Germany next year- early and mid 60s - still working with a portable business- lots of hoop jumping going on - but that’s 55 minutes back to London from Dusseldorf - it’s a very big difference - would I do Australia now - nope!

They want her there…they help with her ticket! She isn’t foisting herself on them…

Well that’s great - must admit not sure I Would want it , but I guess we are all different and with different kinds of family’s

Thanks everyone for your responses! Just to clarify, DD1 lives in Oz, DD2 lives in Moldova and it’s DD3 who has said they are looking to emigrate too Oz. I would be devastated if they did but won’t tell her this as I want them to do what they want and it’s a great life for a family. I have looked at visas and there are 2 available to aged parents. One costs £40k+ each from what I remember and gets you a visa, the other is a visa that you apply from from Oz which costs £4k each which allows you to stay but takes 30 years approx to get the visa. This is the one we would go for, you have to take a medical and as long as your medical costs won’t exceed $86k over 5 years you qualify. You get reciprocal medical care with Medicare. Both daughters are keen for us to join them. There has been chatter about us all selling up and buying a plot for 2 houses and a granny annexe. This all depends on DD3 getting a visa to go on a permanent basis. I can’t bare the thought of losing her to Australia and visiting occasionally. I’m desperate to go if they do!

Absolutely!

Bold of you to assume the Aussies will want to let you in (as an absolute minimum I think they’d want you to demonstrate you could cover all medical expenses etc independently)

Brit living in Australia, they are tightening immigration a lot for families given the rise of people overstaying their visas (and honestly the rhetic of what is happening in Europe). If you want to apply you should do it, but acknowledge the costs and waiting times given the proposed updates (announced in Chambers earlier this week).

We have been here for 8 years and are dual citizens now, so it could depend on whether your children are citizens or what type of visa they are on. They are prioritising Citizens, then PR.

You're not unreasonable to want to go and your husband isn't unreasonable to want to stay. Especially since he's a farmer with a generational link to the land he's on. What's the compromise? You spending three months there every year and DH joining you for 1 month of the year? But is that even feasible for a farmer who has no wish to retire? Tricky.

So will you go without him @OneFedUpFarmersWife

If the visa you’re going for takes 30 years then you’ll be 100 by the time you get it - what are your plans in the meantime?