Upset DP didn’t get off train with me

[Trainissue]

Long time lurker and finally had cause to post here myself.

I went to a nearby city with my DP yesterday where we had some drinks and dinner. We travelled by train and had planned to have a drink and watch some live music when we arrived home at the pub opposite the station.

I suffer from some stomach issues which unfortunately flared up on the way home. There was an announcement on boarding that the toilets were out of use (no idea why, people were not happy and were just told of complaints procedure).

About 20 minutes from home, I told DP I’d need to get off at the next station to use the loo to avoid an accident. He just said he was sure I could hold on. No chance, I said the trains are quite regular so we could catch the next one about 15 minutes later.

He said he’d go on to the pub and meet me there. So I got off on my own and waited for the next train. It was quite late, dark and lots of drunk people around so it was somewhat uncomfortable.

I did board the next train after about 20 minutes waiting but there’s no guarantee this wouldn’t have been late or cancelled. I really think DP should have got off with me.

YABU - he was right to stay on the train
YANBU - he should have gone with you

unbelieveable...what a .....

Can't understand either him or PPs thinking the issue was whether you could manage on your own, OP. Of course you could- you're a grown woman.

The issue is that you were out together- had spent the day together and agreed to go to the pub together. For him to choose an extra 15 minutes in the pub by himself instead is very obviously going against the plan, as well as just being lousy, inconsiderate behaviour when you weren't feeling great.

Weird, selfish and not what you deserve or should expect, @Trainissue.

I think sometimes it doesn’t occur to blokes that the world is slightly less safe for females. I’ve some (now) ex-partners that would likely have acted much the same way because it would never occur to them that I couldn’t look after myself … but whilst I do see myself as very independent and consider that I can look after myself, it’s still rubbish having to then wait around for a train and continue the journey alone when you were previously spending time together with that person. I’d have got off to wait for a partner or friend that I was already travelling with, regardless of whether I thought they were vulnerable or not. It makes much more sense to me, I’d be happy to wait for them as long as they needed and then we’d continue our journey together. I feel like not doing so would be rude. But even more so if my travelling companion is feeling unwell, I’d want to make sure they were ok and didn’t need anything - not abandoning them to go and drink.

So whilst it probably didn’t occur to him, the concern is that he didn’t realise when you raised it with him. Not going to tell you what to do with your life and relationship but I absolutely do not think it unreasonable that you were upset at effectively being abandoned.

My husband can be inconsiderate at times but I’m 100% certain he would never do this. Its appalling that he would abandon you like that, ill or not.

I would definitely split up with him over it.

That was one hell of a risk.I'd be worried the toilets may not be open at that time of night, on a station.

In those circumstances you'd have no toilets and an additional twenty minutes to wait for the train on top of the train time home.

Of course you are capable of doing it without him but that’s completely beside the point. He was totally wrong to leave you when there was nothing urgent that he needed to stay on board for.

Massive red flag

What is wrong with him,anything could of happened to you.my dh can be a bit selfish at times but most definitely would not stay on the train.

classic male, always unprepared…he should have brought some extra pants and imodium for you

I actually suspect he doesn't even believe the issues are serious OP and thinks you were attention-seeking so he was "seeing to it" that you didn't get away with that sort of "manipulative" behaviour.

I'd ditch him if I were you ... He sounds fundamentally lacking in empathy.

I wouldn’t do this to a friend, or any personnI am travelling with for example a colleague. Definitely not my partner. And I am a women. My DH wouldn’t either. It’s quite odd behaviour actually.
I don’t think the late and drunk people around really had anything to do with it as I’m sure you have got trains home at night before, but just carrying on the train journey and meeting you in the pub after is quite odd. If you are travelling with someone who needs to stop then you stop with them. What did he gain from going ahead??

He should have packed pants and a imodium, not her? That's a bit infantalising.

That's like expecting my partner to pack pads, tampons and spare knickers for me - it's my problem to sort out if I have a period or any issues that mean, I need to use a toilet more frequently.

Absolutely agree he should have got off the train with her, but it's her responsibility to bring what she needs. She isn't a child.

I presumed that post was being ironic.

Fair enough. It's late and i'm tired and probably missed that.

Wow, he doesn’t even like you. I would end it over this.

So, is it a constant thing, couple of times a week occurence, that he has to rearrange his life around you shitting?

It's not your fault if so, but it's completely unfair to him to expect him to just tolerate this all the time. Every human being on the earth would get sick of this, over time. Everyone.

Whether he's just a normal person who's tired of having to rearrange his life around you shitting or a dickhead entirely depends on how often he is expected to rearrange his life around you shitting. Once a month, he's a dickhead, once or twice a week, you need to get over him staying on the train.

Well I could be wrong I guess, but, as you say, it would be massively infantilising - like Mummy bringing baby's nappies.

I'd be absolutely raging in your shoes, OP. What an absolute uncaring shit.

He doesn’t sound like a very caring or thoughtful partner. My husband can be a bit brain dead sometimes but there is no way on this earth he would let me get off a train by myself at night whilst unwell/in a vulnerable toileting situation. I have some tummy issues too so I totally get it, it is the most awful feeling thinking you might not make it. Hope you were ok.

how long have you been with him? Is he always selfish / thoughtless?

How long have you been with this prince?

OP how often does your stomach flare up this way? I ask because my DH has stomach issues that would flare up frequently and, while I was sympathetic for years, it did grind me down after a while. Constantly having to make stops for the loo (when the children were asleep in the car) or get off trains or what have you. Mysteriously, his stomach seemed to have few of these flare ups when we were home and loads when we were out and about! It was hard to always stop and wait, and one couldn't help wondering if he realised the imposition it was to the family when this happened - we just had to grin and bear it. So I do have a bit of sympathy for your partner.

Mysteriously, his stomach seemed to have few of these flare ups when we were home and loads when we were out and about!

He probably had just as many at home but how would you know. He would just go to the toilet at home and wouldn't inconvenience the family at all. Possibly you just noticed it on a long journey because there isn't always a toilet available.

I do agree with everything else you've said though. It would try the patience of most people if you can't go anywhere without having to revolve it around the toilet.

No decent partner would do this to the other and that goes for women too.

Yes, she seems keen not to mention how much her boyfriend's life is expected to revolve around her need to shit.

Have you for a fetish for the word shit?