My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

Omg - well he sounds delightful…
Agree with pp, minimise 1:1 interactions. Try and remain cordial in family dinner etc, but do not stand for or engage with his bullying ‘oh I didn’t catch that, can you repeat yourself?,’ ‘I’m going to grab a drink, presumably you’ll have stopped talking by the time I come back.’ I’d bet he holds his tongue to an audience.
If that doesn’t work, then yes, just plan to be out when he is in your home/remain in your room with headphones on etc.

Avoid him as much as possible and write to him telling him exactly why this is what will be happening in the future, as you’ve explained it here.

Low contact or no contact.
Low contact is easier to manage, but you need to be strategic about it. I am low contact with a family member who is similar to your brother, and I make sure that I attend the bare minimum family events that I know he’ll be at. I say a polite ‘hello’ and then position myself physically away from him and don’t interact the whole time. If you get stuck in the line for food or waiting for the toilet or something, a distant smile and general breeziness works, or just find yourself busy with something else that means you need to remove yourself from his proximity. It’s only once or twice a year at this point, now that most of the family weddings are done and we are all in our 30s/40s.

No contact is much harder in my experience, and can cause family rifts, especially if it’s a ‘I won’t attend if X person will be there’ type situation. SIL is NC with her step-father, which I completely respect, but the fallout is difficult sometimes. E.g. MIL will not attend my DD’s 4th birthday party in a few weeks because SIL will be there and SIL + nephews/nieces won’t attend if step-father is there. I’m really disappointed about it.
Sometimes it’s necessary though. We (my parents and me & my sis) been NC with my uncle for over 10 years due to safety concerns, which is more important than avoiding causing a family rift.

Only you can decide what is better for you.

Trying to make my dad the villain just because he’s a man is pretty low.

His mum was the one who left, actually. She had an affair, my dad was desperate to make things work for the kids and she left anyway.

He’s just an idiot, I think. He’d had a couple of drinks and was on a rampage and didn’t care who he was hurting.

The thing is any sort of call out would just lead to a huge argument. My dad’s done it before because he didn’t like how my brother was talking to his son (as in my brother’s son), and my brother exploded in his face, stormed out and didn’t speak to my dad for three months. It broke my dad’s heart because in his mind he was just standing up for his grandson. I don’t want to be the catalyst for that sort of fall out again

I don’t want to be the catalyst for that sort of fall out again

and this is how abusive families work. Calling out the abuse become THE WORST THING that could happen so the horrible person gets to carry on being horrible.

your brother doesn't become a bit kinder every time you allow him to be nasty. It’s not like if you tolerate him a bit longer hes going to morph into LOVING BROTHER.

He’s never going to be that. I’ve accepted that he’s just really not a nice person, but I also don’t want my dad to be subjected to the sort of anger he can display.

You seem to be very entrenched in a peacekeeper role here, OP. You're not responsible for your dad's emotions.

Learn to do that special response for idiots: “ok” every time they come out with this nonsense, but it comes out with a little derisive snort, making it really obvious that you think they’re talking absolute bollocks. People like this make fools of themselves.

Echoing pp, you aren’t responsible for your dad’s feelings.

don’t want my dad to be subjected to the sort of anger he can display.

can your dad not cope with an angry human? Why is your dad not being harmed by your brother more important than you not being harmed by your brother?

Sounds like he deeply resents you and it's nothing to do with your job or living circumstances. Maybe as a 9 year old he always hoped his parents would reconcile but your arrival after 5 years put an end to hope. You got to grow up with 2 parents while he didn't. Maybe he resents women in general after what his mum did- affair and pushing his Dad away. While this is sad none of this is your fault and you shouldn't have to put up with being on the receiving end. He probably needs therapy to work through this but it sounds unlikely he has the insight to go for that option. You can't have a relationship with someone who harbours that much resentment towards you. Your father should really speak to him before the next family gathering and set down some ground rules. I wouldn't see him without others present and go very low contact.

He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

Is he Rip Van Winkle? Women travelling solo has been a HUGE trend for at least thirty years now. And plenty of solo woman travellers "have a man" in their lives, just are not surgically attached to him. (Bro almost certainly has no idea what this would be like from firsthand experience.) But if they didn't - so what? Your brother sounds like a bigoted misogynist - and, although perhaps not directly relevant, a homophobe.

Perhaps don't directly confront him if that's going to cause you hardship - upsetting your parents, compromising your immediate living situation - but YANBU to avoid him if he's constantly undermining you and being a prick and does not add enough to your life or well-being to compensate for that.

I can cope with it, I’d rather my parents didn’t have to put up with it to be honest

I’m not. I just hate confrontation and would do anything to avoid it, especially when I know said confrontation would lead to my parents (especially my dad) suffering. My dad’s not been in the best health lately so it’s in everyone’s best interests that he’s kept calm and not being upset by my brother

Sorry, I’m confused about your expectations of this thread OP?

• you don’t want to upset your parents
• you don’t see yourself cutting off contact
• you don’t want anyone to confront anyone

It’s seems you want things to carry on as normal?

So why post on AIBU for advice?

I can cope with it

i gently suggest your thread is evidence uoure not coping with the abuse. And you shouldnt cope. No one should learn to cope with abuse.

Let your dad say something if he wants to. So long as your brother’s behaviour goes unchallenged it won’t improve and might get worse. My mum’s family is like this: one sibling is an obnoxious self-centred twit. No one pulls them up on it because “it’s not worth it”. So Mum and the other sibling have spent 80+ years putting up with shit, and twit-features endures in the delusion that they’re witty, clever and right. It’s pitiful really, that someone in their mid 80’s is a laughing stock and doesn’t know it, because no one ever got up the gumption to provide a few home truths (I’m banned from doing so).

This with a few pithy comments ‘god you think a lot of yourself. Reality check dipshit, on 30k a year you’re not funding anyone else through their taxes to so much as have a cup of tea. You’ve barely contributed in as much as the amount you mooched off dad yourself living rent free.’

My dad’s not been in the best health lately so it’s in everyone’s best interests that he’s kept calm and not being upset by my brother

you're all equally important. Your dad seems to garner a lot of protection from you. Has it always been this way where dad is less able to be an adult and doesn’t have to deal with stuff?

In order of raising conflict.

1. Move out (appreciate this may seem impossible but a goal to work towards)

1. Be 'out' and unavailable when he comes round

1. When his is round, avoid lingering in the common spaces. Get food from the kitchen, make tea but don't sit with the family.

1. Do sit with them but don't engage, grey rock.

5 Do engage but come up with some polite but dismissive replies.

'oh you!'

'You ARE funny!'

'Oh but I LOVE travelling alone/being child free'

1. Come up with more scathing replies.

'The 1950s called brother'

' that's so stupid I don't even want to explain it to you'

1. Have a blazing row and hopefully he'll go no contact again.

People who are allowed to get away with stuff carry on getting away with stuff.
Yes, your brother didn’t speak to your dad for 3 months but he’d have felt a lot worse if he hadn’t stuck up for his grandson.
You brother sounds like a bully and I feel sorry for his son. You need to grey rock him if you can and your dad needs to parent his son.

Go no contact he is abusive sounds jealous.
Your life is none of his business tell him that and good for you being single travelling doing your thing this is to be applauded not scowled at he sounds like a total prick.
My sons are at home until they want to be and can afford a place to live .. he is jealous let him be x

If you dont want your dad or parents to speak up then you speak up tell him he is a bully to all of you and his son its sounds awful.
Someone has to do something or what he gets away with acting like an absolute bullying prick I wouldn't stand for it.

“My dad’s done it before because he didn’t like how my brother was talking to his son (as in my brother’s son), and my brother exploded in his face, stormed out and didn’t speak to my dad for three months. It broke my dad’s heart because in his mind he was just standing up for his grandson. I don’t want to be the catalyst for that sort of fall out again”
You or your Dad need to report your brother’s abusive behaviour towards his son/your nephew/your dad’s grandson. The damage he is doing to his child is not acceptable