My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

Just do not bother with him any more. Minimal contact. When he comes to visit, you've got other plans. He sounds vile so do not give him another minute of your time.

I don’t know. He lived with us until I was about 6, and then he moved in with his mum after a stint backpacking Europe.

Funny how no women disapprove of women travelling solo, isn't it. Some men just don't like it when we show we can do it without needing them.

He sounds like a prick. He is obviously an unhappy person. Time to take some distance from him.

This.

My first thought was to suggest some clever comebacks, but brother doesn’t sound very clever so they would probably be lost and just create more fuel to argue over.

I think it is good that your parents know. Before Christmas make it clear to them that you don’t want to make it awkward, but if he starts his nonsense again (probably after drinking) then you will laugh and leave the room/go for a walk or something else. If he starts on you they might consider if to include him on their guest list.

He’s a bully. You don’t have to spend time with him if he can’t even be civil. There’s some lack or insecurity in his life that he is taking out on you to make himself feel better. You can limit your exposure to his negativity.

I think this is the way forward to be honest, it’s just so hurtful to listen to.

Came on to say low contact and grey rock him. Also always have earphones in your pocket, so when he starts and you can put them in. Is he married?

Find a man? Loool! What, like the miserable flacid twat he is?

I cut my older sister off many years ago after many years of her shitty behaviour towards me.

Never regretted it.

He dislikes you intensely, possibly hates you. That dislike has festered for years and turned him into a bullying asshole around you. That's why he's going after you and being verbally abusive. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep your parents warm. They should have corrected this bullying long ago.

You don't tolerate abuse. You think it's your role to keep the peace with an abusive asshole and there's no way to do that with someone who dislikes you so much.

Time to see what's going on and stand up for yourself. You will not be around him, he's been verbally abusive to you. He's nasty about every aspect of your life and time to tell your parents you are going no contact with him. If he comes over, you leave. No hi, no nothing. Your abusive bro doesn't exist. You're not his kick toy anymore.

Cut him off- it is none of his business how you run your life, and his judgement is unwelcome- cut him off and if he complains tell him his judgement is unwelcome.

So what's the fallout that's going to affect you if your dad and brother have an argument? I'm wondering what the dynamics are that your dad having an argument with your brother will end up affecting you even though your brother doesn't live with you anymore. Because it may be that the issue isn't just your brother.

Hopefully your parents will stick up for you having witnessed his behaviour. Unfortunately when I was in a similar situation to you and I gave my brother a piece of my mind and went NC with him, my parents fell out with me because he played the victim and he can do no wrong in their eyes. It's made me see my parents in a different light, as I was previously very close to them. I'll never forgive them. They didn't have to take sides but they chose to anyway.

Don’t you pay tax too? He sounds a bit of a simpleton, as well as extremely unpleasant.

Any sort of family fallout would obviously have an impact across the whole family? For example if I went NC, my parents would feel like they had to check before he came to the house, or I’d have to leave if he was coming over.

What did you say when he said these things to you?

From someone who has navigated horrible family conflict -
Please prioritise your peace and mental health. He's not entitled to treat you this way or have a place in your life just because of DNA. Would you accept this from a friend, or a partner? If you don't feel able to cut him off (which I would) then maintain a very low level of civil contact in front of parents and remove yourself from the situation the minute he becomes abusive. I would go NC but it's your decision. Reframe this situation - put aside what I'd do, what your parents want to do, figure out what would protect YOUR peace and go for that.
I have wasted a lot of time trying to make familial relationships work despite vile behaviour to myself. I guarantee you he will not be keeping awake at night worrying about how you feel or how to maintain the relationship. So don't waste energy yourself.
Life is too short - prioritise you in this, don't justify yourself to him. He sounds horrid.

Yes it would impact the family. However you are not being unreasonable. Your father clearly agreed that brother was out of order. What do they feel should be the consequences of this behavior?

He’s in his forties so they can’t really dish out consequences at this stage. My dad is dying to say something

Sorry you’ve gone through this your brother sounds like he has deep set anger towards you from childhood he’s jealous of the love relationship you have with your Mum and Dad. But on no level is this acceptable set the boundaries you want give as you live in your parents house but don’t be alone with him insulting you.
Well done on all your hard work for the NHS a well deserved break and also well done on the solo traveling I did it before I had kids and loved it:)
be kind to yourself and avoid as many situations with him as possible

It doesn't have to be that tricky. Obviously it's nice if your parents let you know in advance, but you don't have to go out. Just leave him with your parents and go to a different room while he's there.

Your dad having an argument with someone you don't want to spend time with should have a pretty minimal impact on your life, really.

This.

If it’s going to cause problems to go NC, then the next best thing is to realise that he probably doesn’t really believe any of what he says. He very clearly does have issues with you. If you lived with a husband and worked 18 hour days, 365 days a year, he’d find something else to bitch about. These are his issues. Not yours.

Let your dad say something to him. Let your dad tell him he is disappointed in him talking to you like that.

Just tell him to Fuck Off