Old flame says my son is his

[PeterPansCaravan]

In short I got pregnant when I was 22. I am still with the father and I’m now 45.

Recently an old flame got in touch. Says he’s convinced he’s the father of my son. He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.

He sent me photos of himself at the same age as my son and they are more or less identical.

I don’t know what to do about the situation. I’m in bits about it all.

My DH and I have 3 other children and have a good relationship.

No judgement please.

OP said she has NO RECOLLECTION OF IT HAPPENING.

They did not have sex while she was drunk. HE HAD SEX WITH HER WHILE SHE WAS UNCONSCIOUS!!! Go back and read the OP!

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That is the conviction rate for all reported rapes. Most never make it to court, the most common reason being the complainant withdrawing from the process. For cases that get to court, the conviction rate is around 65%. That is actually higher than for most offences - the average conviction rate in Crown Court is around 55%. So no, juries are not reluctant to convict.

The law does not state that it is rape if the complainant was drunk The question in law is whether the complainant had the freedom and capacity to consent to sex Since someone who is sufficiently drunk to lose their memory has the freedom and capacity to get into a car and drive it and will be held legally responsible for doing so, despite that being a very bad choice, it is not surprising that juries take the view that they may still have the freedom and capacity to consent to sex.

He sent me photos of himself at the same age as my son and they are more or less identical.

If that's the case then it does sound like he is telling the truth which would mean that he raped you and obviously didn't use any contraception either.

OP - is it really likely or possible that this could have happened during the period you would have conceived your Ds?

Surely you would have had some fleeting 'what if...' thought when the pregnancy was confirmed?

You have no recollection of getting really drunk at a party?

Would you even have been at a party with this ex at that time?

Have you kept in touch, or has he been stalking you on SM, to have found pics of your ds?

It must be very unsettling.

What sort of bloke is he? Kind and trustworthy or controlling and not caring enough? I'm guessing that he doesn't have a life that would be disrupted by the revelation of a Ds?

I don't know whether I would ignore and block (in which case he might contact your Ds or Dh if he is hell bent on this), or reply and say "I don't think so - can you be specific about whose party and when? And just to be clear, are you suggesting you had sex that I was too drunk to know about or consent to?" just to see if he has a plausible explanation. Because in his shoes (Hard to imagine) I would have given those details in the first message.

I think he has had a nosey around your SM and jumped to conclusions / made memories of previous parties match the dates.

Does he even know your Ds's birthday or exact age?

The law says this is not bollocks. If you are so drunk you have no recollection then you are too drunk to consent. That is rape. The “poor men” would have known you are drunk. That’s what makes it rape.

It’s a weird one for sure.

You don’t mention if it’s actually possible - is it? Obviously you don’t remember the night in question that he claims but as you are referring to him as an “old flame” I’m guessing you were seeing him at some point, were there other times? Was there an overlap between him and your husband? If no then I’d probably write him off as a fantasist, however given your sons age I would have concerns that he will make contact with him directly and would probably want to give him/husband a heads up.

Regretting a drunk choice does not mean a man raped you.

Sex without consent is rape. If she was too drunk to consent then yes, it does mean that he raped her.

Nope.

Exactly. I think that poster who claims they're a lawyer, may need some retraining! 😬

YEP! Educate yourself!

The best bet might be to DNA test your son and either your DH or one of your other kids. Hopefully that will show they are fully related.

If it shows he is not the father or the kids are half siblings then you need to know how the pregnancy came about, it is concerning that he has a memory of it and you don't.

No, that is not what the law says. Being so drunk that you have no recollection means you are around double the limit for drink driving. At that level, you still have the freedom and capacity to consent to sex, just as you still have the freedom and capacity to get into a car and drive it (and will be held responsible for doing so if caught).

I mean first things first: were you at the party with him? Do you recall this party?

Also, does the old flame look like you’re DH? My ex and my DH look alike (I have a type). Reasonably, you could pass my ex off as my son’s dad. Not so much face shape wise, but colouring and some facial features. Could this play a role?

Absolutely! I am cringing at some of the comments on here. 'Having sex with a woman who is unconscious is not rape!' WTAF?! Most sensible well educated people know it is.

The comments HAVE to be coming from men.

Definitely nope

Blackout drunk isnt the same as having memory loss.

You are all inventing scenarios 😂

I can absolutely assure you, I would not present as particularly drunk in the evening. Next day- zero memory. Its just how alcohol works for me. Nothing blackout about it.

Seriously, what are you going on about? And you claim to be a lawyer?

Having been ignored on MN for years, I am happy to vouch that @prh47bridge has given plenty of sound legal advice (in the legal forum, admittedly).

Show the message to your DH.

Half the fear you are experiencing is the 'what if' and the worry of your life unravelling. Sharing with your DH immediately makes you a 'team' and stops any escalation around your ex starting up with threats to 'tell your husband'.

Do it right now and tell him what you've told us. You have no recollection of this - you are not trying to hide anything - and if this man did have sex with you, it would have been whilst you were unconscious which doesn't relate to any even you can think of.

Then tell this man that you have told your DH who would like to report him for rape, but that as things stand, you are happy to disengage as of now.

You can ignore me dear, but you cannot the LAW, the JUDGES, and the COURTS.

Seriously, stop now. You're embarrassing yourself!

And YOU are wrong. OMG, so very very wrong.

THE OP WAS NOT HAVING DRUNK SEX SHE WAS UNCONSCIOUS. WHY ARE YOU NOT HEARING THIS?!

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If the airline knew you were drunk, you absolutely would have had a case for a refund. The same is true of the auctioneers.

The law on contracts is clear, if both parties are aware of the drunkenness, there is a case for refund. Hard to prove, but the law doesn’t change based on proof. The same is true of sex. It has nothing to do with regret, it has to do with someone being assaulted when they are not deemed legally able to give consent. Also, hard to prove but that doesn’t change the law.

It's funny, until you started putting things in capitals I didn't believe you.