Old flame says my son is his

[PeterPansCaravan]

In short I got pregnant when I was 22. I am still with the father and I’m now 45.

Recently an old flame got in touch. Says he’s convinced he’s the father of my son. He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.

He sent me photos of himself at the same age as my son and they are more or less identical.

I don’t know what to do about the situation. I’m in bits about it all.

My DH and I have 3 other children and have a good relationship.

No judgement please.

So many questions OP.

1. Why is he contacting you now, after all these years? Did he explain himself at all? He hasn't been involved up to this point. What does he actually want?

2. Do you think there is any truth in what he is saying? Do you really have no memory? As others have pointed out, if you were blackout drunk and not aware of what was happening then he is effectively saying that he raped you... but we don't know from your OP if this was the case, or if you don't remember for some other reason, or if it didn't happen?

3. Why has he come to you with this? Why isn't he just contacting your son directly as presumably your son is an adult now?

I put that the OP was unconscious BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE WAS IN HER OP!

Go back and read it, lest you embarrass yourself further in your desperation to be right.

I am not speaking to you any more on this thread.

Said it all. You're wrong 100%. And you know it.

Quite i have had regrettale drunken one night stsnds in my younger days
Which i can barely remember but that was me making a bad judgemrnt call not rape.

These things can happen. As my name suggests, I’ve looked into this stuff, my parents have been together 60 years, yet I found out through DNA that I have a different biological father. The shock has been insane, but I’ve kept it to myself some
how to not break my Dads heart!

As the child in this I feel very upset that I never knew, as has led to a lot of confusion and hurt. He’s now passed so I never even got to meet him and it makes me sad. Even though my Dad will always be my only Dad.

From my experience I’d

say honesty is the best policy, so I you think it might be the case maybe try and work things out.

The family resemblance between my DB and bio DF is spooky it’s so similar. (He doesn’t know either but it’s not my place to explode that bomb)

If you have sex with a woman who is unconscious it is presumed in law that she did not consent, and therefore it is rape unless proven otherwise.

Having sex with someone who is drunk to the level where they will not be able to recall it afterwards (i.e. around twice the drink driving limit) is not necessarily rape. The question is whether they still have the freedom and capacity to consent. The point at which someone is too drunk to consent is somewhere between the point at which they lose their memory and the point at which they pass out.

Being so drunk you have no recollection is rarely what happens at double the limit for drink driving.

OP does not remember it at all. She was raped.

Sorry I understand why you asked the question now.

That is not what defines rape. Just stop.

Where does she say she was unconscious? Please quote it.

I'll wait.

I beleive the poster you are quoting is either a solicitor or a Barrister so i imagine they have a fairly good grasp of the law.

I am describing the law, specifically the Sexual Offences Act 2003. Feel free to look it up. If it helps, the relevant sections are 74-76.

You are equating being unable to recall what happened with being unconscious. If OP was unconscious, she was raped. However, drunks lose the ability to recall what they did well before they reach a level of intoxication that will render them unconscious. The fact she cannot recall the incident does not prove it happened while she was unconscious.

NO SHE DIDN’T!

In case you don’t believe me, even though I used CAPS, here’s the sentence from the OP-
“He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.”

She DOES NOT SAY unconscious. She says she has no recollection. I have no recollection of things that happened last week.it means very little in my case!

It may be kinder to OP if you stop screaming about her being raped and actually use your brain to process information given by other posters with relevant knowledge.

Do you remember going to the party? Would the dates add up? As PPhace said, it would be rape if you were so hammered you can’t remember.
where was your husband? Assuming you were together then if you always thought he was the father, where was he? Did old flame think you two were still together or was it a post break up encounter?

Also has he just resurfaced or has he been looking from afar for 23 years?

I admire your restraint.

I’d secretly dna test your partner and son. Once you know the facts you can move forward. If your son is his you come clean. And you report this man for raping you when you were too drunk to consent.

It doesn't happen for all people, but the evidence from multiple studies is that alcohol-induced memory loss starts at around that level for most people as the alcohol starts to block the brain's ability to transfer short-term thoughts into long-term memory.

No wonder so few cases go as far as court. All good for men, I guess.

Many years ago, I've had sex I don't recall (or only recall in fleeting fragments) because of being too drunk, and most of the time, it wasn't rape. It was generally with a guy I liked and hoped to have sex with (or with my boyfriend) and I'm quite sure I was enthusiastically consenting - and they would've been drunk too!

The issue is surely that men can use a woman's vulnerability when she's drunk and unable to think clearly, or protect herself, to deliberately rape her, not that every time a woman has drunk sex with her (also drunk) boyfriend or a guy she likes, it's automatically rape.

Stepping away from the rape conversation, OP I would tell your husband and son and go from there. If this man is serious, he can simply contact your son himself (social media or however he managed to see your son to know that he looks like him). You don't want DS getting a message on FB, Hi I might be your dad'. Surely if there is the remotest possibility that it could be true it is better that they hear it from you.

I agree. This needs to be put to bed - how is your poor son going to feel if he suddenly gets told he's a product of his mother's drunken rape 20
odd years ago? Personally I don't agree it was necessarily rape but I can see I'm in the minority.

Not if her son is 22 or 23! It's in the son's hands, so there's no "rights" or "demand" about it.

Yes, that would have been my reply to him.
Having sex with someone around the time you convince isn't something you forget. I'd actually be asking if he used a date rape drug.