Old flame says my son is his

[PeterPansCaravan]

In short I got pregnant when I was 22. I am still with the father and I’m now 45.

Recently an old flame got in touch. Says he’s convinced he’s the father of my son. He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.

He sent me photos of himself at the same age as my son and they are more or less identical.

I don’t know what to do about the situation. I’m in bits about it all.

My DH and I have 3 other children and have a good relationship.

No judgement please.

@PeterPansCaravan He sent me photos of himself at the same age as my son and they are more or less identical.

Is this someone who’s still in your life? How does he know what your son looks like?

I think pp are right- if this man is telling the truth, he’s basically admitting he raped you at a party. I might, in your situation, speak to the police or a lawyer and ask for their advice. I might also tell this shit-stirring git what you’re doing, and then perhaps he’ll crawl back under his rock.

If your husband and you have a good relationship, can you share this with him?

Do you honestly think there is a possibility he could be the father? You don't seem to be questioning it very much ... which makes me think maybe you do perhaps remember something or at least consider the possibility likely. I don't mean this with any judgement at all. I think if there is a chance, everyone has the right to the know. You were 22. We all make 'mistakes'. Were you and your now husband in a long term relationship at the time?

Under what enactment do you think he can force another adult to undergo a DNA test, or to disclose the results of any such test?

My son looked liked Prince William as a child. No relation.

I have friends who are non identical twins. Neither look like each other and they have different personalities.

Why has this ex waited until your son is 22 to bring this up? Post 21 years old?

Have you spoken to your husband? I think you need to and say what you have said here, that this ex claims your eldest is his, but you have no recollection of said party or event, if it did happen. If you were also with your dh at the time, he may recall something.

@PeterPansCaravan I can see how worrying and frightening this is. Please don't panic. I would reply along the lines that your son isn't his and any likeness he perceives is coincidental. And that you have no recollection of sleeping with him so you find his claim very disturbing and upsetting, it makes you feel very violated. Tell him not to contact you again.

If you directly suggest that he had non consensual sex with him then you are tacitly acknowledging your son's likeness.

You say this man was an old flame, was there any overlap between you seeing him and dating your husband? Or is the implication that he took advantage of you after you'd broken up /had a flirtation?

I gently advise you to speak with your husband about this though, being told you may have been sexually assaulted and the consequences for your family are too big to carry the burden alone.

I would go back and tell him you have no recollection of sleeping with him and if you were drunk as he says then he took advantage of you and raped you

would he be happy you now report that to police?

What may well be delusional is assuming you can force an adult to do a DNA test.

What do you mean by an old flame? Did you used to sleep together?

Do you have any recollection of the night he claims? If he’s telling the truth I’d think you’d have some memory of it, or even a feeling the next day, that something wasn’t quite right?

Wtf! This is the judgiest comment here.why does it make a difference if she got blackout drunk?

Sounds like he's a sex offender. Does he seem to sort to have sex with someone blackout drunk?

It would mean there’s a possibility she had sex she doesn’t remember. That’s all. No judgement, just a possible explanation.

He can make any demands for a DNA test the son is an adult. What he can do is tell the son he thinks he might be his father.
If he is the father though it sounds as though it was rape as you have no memory of it so you can't have consented.
Do you think this man will try and talk to your son or your husband?

I don’t see the comment as judgy. They’re simply asking if there was a chance she could have got so drunk that she had sex, and didn’t remember it?

Your son is the same age as your old flame when you knew him, surely you’d have noticed the resemblance without him having to send you photos?

Does your DS look like his brothers and dad? Do you, in your heart of hearts, think it’s a possibility? Did you keep a diary of that time? (it would help to like the dates up). Does he have any other kids or it your DS his last chance of being a father? If, as others have said, you were too drunk to give consent then he effectively raped you. This is a horrible situation, OP, and I hope you get the outcome you want,

When was the last time you remember sleeping with your ex?

Tricky. 10yrs ago I’d have said ignore him and block any contact. But with the popularity of family research and DNA tests, this could come back to bite another day if there is a possibility he’s right.
Could you discreetly test your DH/DS dna without their knowledge? No idea how it works or if you need their consent though…but might be better to find out now than have Christmas 2035 blow up when someone buys an Ancestry kit as a present!

Op do you remember attending said party? Can the man give you any details which might seem it familiar?
Do dates work out if so?
Could you talk to anyone else who may have been there to clarify if you attended? Obviously you can make up a story as to why you want to know
If true and you were drunk, this man rsped you as you couldn’t consent.
In terms of the looks- is it two photos? This can be deceptive. Is he like him in general?
Does your son look like your husband?

Funny how he's crawled out of the woodwork now that any legal financial obligation has timed out. Unfortunately the time for accusations of rape are too late too but he might not know that.

Yes but to be fair the ‘huge upset’ could be her son’s biological father .. so there’s that.

For the benefit of all those crying rape on this thread, having sex with someone who is drunk is not necessarily rape even if they cannot recall it afterwards. Juries have been reluctant to convict, particularly where the complainant got themselves drunk, unless they were so drunk they were incapable, i.e. barely conscious. Memory loss generally happens at around twice the legal limit for driving, which is somewhat before someone becomes incapable. It may be that OP was sufficiently drunk to mean this was rape (if it happened and her ex isn't making it all up), but it is not guaranteed.

And no, OP's ex cannot demand a DNA test.

@PeterPansCaravan block him.

She can't just do a DNA test on her son without him knowing. He's an adult!

Wonder why he's waited 20 odd years to
get in touch.

Do you think he'd want a DNA test doing, can your DS refuse?

It is a difficult one, if you don't want to know I can understand that but I'd say ultimately it would be up to your DS as he deserves to know and can make the choice himself as to the next step, if any.

If for sure it turns out he is your DS father, whether I was you or the DS I'd be really fucked off that he's left it this late to show any responsibility as a parent of a growing child, be it financially or emotionally.

This