Old flame says my son is his

[PeterPansCaravan]

In short I got pregnant when I was 22. I am still with the father and I’m now 45.

Recently an old flame got in touch. Says he’s convinced he’s the father of my son. He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.

He sent me photos of himself at the same age as my son and they are more or less identical.

I don’t know what to do about the situation. I’m in bits about it all.

My DH and I have 3 other children and have a good relationship.

No judgement please.

I would be appalled if it changed his feelings towards someone he's raised to adulthood.

I think the only reason to want to be sure who is the biological father in circumstances like this would be the possibility of hereditary diseases or conditions; knowing about their existence might be important at some point.

Even so, given that this "old flame" might decide to mess up OP's life even further by contacting her son or her husband with his claim, on the whole I would go with telling DH and deciding together whether there is even the slightest possibility the stranger's story is true, and taking it from there.

It seems unlikely the DH will go off the deep end if OP tells him she genuinely doesn't think this happened but needs to be absolutely sure for their adult son's sake. Then they can decide together what and how to tell the son.

“Recently an old flame got in touch. Says he’s convinced he’s the father of my son. He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.“

As PPs have said, if you have no recollection, then you may have been too drunk to consent in which case he raped you. You might want to put that to him. But actually i think it’s best not to engage and just not entertain this bullshit. Unless he’s able to get to you or your family directly, i would suggest blocking him. In your shoes, i would tell your husband also.

True. I’ve been pretty blackout drunk and no one else could tell, conversely have been obviously tipsy on way less alcohol. Depends how you metabolise things I guess.

I agree - but it isn't unusual to feel...something...if you find out that your DW had sex with someone else (consent status tbc) while you were conceiving your child.

And most young people would feel ...something...to discover that the person who has been (and is ) their Dad isn't biologically related.

Even if these things turn out all right in the end there are things to be managed, absorbed, negotiated.

But the chances are that this ex is just causing trouble, or has put two and three together and made one and a half.

IMO.

I stand my original advice which is to start by sharing the message with your DH. You need to be addressing this is a team, not shitting yourself on your own.

As for the 'was it rape' debate, I think that one reason it is so ambiguous on this particular thread is because we have very limited information and some big unanswered questions.

Mainy, OP says she can't recall it happening. But what does she recall? Does she, for example, remember attending a party around that time? Does she remember being at an event that her ex was at around that time? We don't know if she is saying that she can't recall having sex, or that she can't even recall an occasion where it MIGHT have happened. I think the answer to that is very relevant.

If OP can remember being at a party, being very drunk and maybe 'chatting' to her ex before blacking out, I think there is a chance he raped her.

If OP can't recall whether she might have had consensual sex with him - even having had a few drinks (because that IS still possible) then it's a very grey area.

If OP can't recall any occasion where that might have even happened, and is not someone who has ever had 'blank periods' from night's out, I think the chances are he is full of shit.

Only OP knows the answer to these questions and it's hard to advise without that insight.

FWIW, I don't think OP will be back.

I take your point about hereditary diseases but I would also say... as someone who is adopted... sometimes it's OK to be OK with not knowing. Sometimes you have to be. Many, many people get through life without full knowledge of their own genes and that's OK. Tell medical professionals you don't have full knowledge of X/Y/Z and they can work with that.

True. I'd still be appalled if these "something" feelings ended up anywhere other than "you're still my son/dad and I still love you whether or not we're biologically related". But that's also why I'd advise doing nothing. I think life is better with as few bombshells and drama as possible.

I'm glad of that! And also, of course, knowing that your father had some genetic defect may make you worry about it even though in fact you have not inherited it.

(Never forget an early boyfriend whose mother was bipolar, and who was told by a doctor when he was sixteen that it was an inheritable condition. Messed him up for years, but he didn't end up bipolar (as far as I know), and he is in his eighties now and still mentally agile (also as far as I know). I felt the doctor was very wrong to say that to him at all.)

I like the combination of this with that excellent username.

I once had the worst booze paranoia of my life after coming to on the floor, half inside my bedroom and half in the hall. Tentatively messaged friends who were all like, what are you talking about, you were fine, got on the bus home and waved us off.

Also have done a lot of falling over on less than 2 glasses of wine, insisted that no I'm not drunk I'm just clumsy, and those same friends have said yes dear, why don't you sit on this sofa for a minute or two with this nice glass of water.

I agree. 16 is not an age where it's helpful to think that every mental wobble or anxiety you have is bipolar disorder barrelling inevitably at you.

I'm skeptical. If a man slept with a woman other than his wife and then tried to say he had no recollection of it I wouldn't believe him. I know memory can get hazy but forgetting having sex with someone is pretty extreme.

Well colour me shocked the OP has vanished

Cool, but that’s hardly relevant.

Biology may not matter to you, but it does matter to a lot of, even most. people. It may also t may not matter to an extent that it would overrides everything else for OP’s husband and/or son.

OP just blocking him won’t mean that this just goes away. Of course he could just back off, but he could also instead message her husband and/or son, and if that happens then her husband at least isn’t likely to view her blocking the guy and not thinking to mention it to him as innocent.

Or the child. It’s important to know your genetic links or to know who you are not genetically linked to, for medical purposes. And from an emotional point of view. If the adult child did DNA search and found not related to dad and then found out mum knew that was a possibility, that could cause trauma

Bit odd for the op to ask and then not return….

Only if it’s a genuine post. Which it isn’t. For the avoidance of doubt. HTH.

The OP can't do a DNA test that would reveal anything relevant. Are you suggesting she should take a sample of her adult son's DNA without his knowledge or consent and have a test run on it??

How do you know if you can’t remember?

stupid comment

I’m not the poster you’re replying to but in my case video and occasionally independent witnesses; I was very obviously enthusiastically consenting but couldn’t remember any of it the next day. Also sometimes memories would resurface at a later date but sometimes not.

That’s why I said earlier that subsequent memory loss doesn’t necessarily mean unconsciousness or lack of ability to consent at the time of the act, especially if you carry on drinking after.

The poster I was replying to described the ‘wild sex’ but also that she couldn’t remember having sex…it can’t be both, you can’t know the sex was wild without remembering it

I wasn’t suggesting the police or CPS would take her word for it, of course an investigation would be required.