Old flame says my son is his

[PeterPansCaravan]

In short I got pregnant when I was 22. I am still with the father and I’m now 45.

Recently an old flame got in touch. Says he’s convinced he’s the father of my son. He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.

He sent me photos of himself at the same age as my son and they are more or less identical.

I don’t know what to do about the situation. I’m in bits about it all.

My DH and I have 3 other children and have a good relationship.

No judgement please.

Screenshot the message so he can't delete it from his end.

IF there's a chance this happened, he's potentially just confessed to sexually assaulting/raping someone who was unable to give consent.

I do suspect this won't end here, so you need to decide how to handle it from your end going forward.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that must be very stressful.
Do you remember the party and the dates?
This man seems to be telling you he had sex with you when you were incapacitated, which is rape.
What do you feel you want to do about this suggestion?

'He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.'

Did he put that in writing? In a text or email? Because it definitely sounds like you didn't give consent.

This might take a minute but bear with me, my husband of 20 years was recently contacted by a woman we both know asking if he been sending messages to her daughter (which he wasn’t) turns out someone had been messaging her daughter saying her dad wasn’t her dad, the woman contacted him because she thought it was him as he was the only person she had slept with apart from her partner at the time, we were together at this time also, my husband told me everything not at time 🙄it was a one night stand 23 years ago he was drunk so was she, he never had any contact with her after the fact it never crossed his mind that he might have been the father as her and partner moved away shortly afterwards, he never thought about it again and she never tried to let him know he might be the father, instead she chose to let her partner believe he was the girl’s father, my husband knows he done wrong by me and were working though that, I can’t tell you what to do but I’m glad my husband told me himself instead of it coming from someone else, and we’re both in agreement that she will never be a part of her life as it was her decision to keep that from us from the outset, you just can’t become part of someone’s life when they are already an adult. Really just block and forget about it people don’t have the right to come and blow worlds up 20 years after the fact

People imagine all sorts of "likenesses", they mean nothing. You are the only one who can know what to say - could be "dont be ridiculous, I have never slept with you and this is simply a rape fantasy" .

If you think there could be any truth in it you could get your son to take a DNA test and put it on ancestry with a fake name. You dont necessarily need a test from your husband as it's quite likely one of his relatives has tested and your son should then show as related to that person.

I'm not saying it is, just disputing the idea that juries are unwilling to convict. With the cases that get to court, they aren't. However, I completely agree that we need to get far more cases to court. It is a disgrace that so many reported rapes go unpunished, whatever the reason.

The "do nothing" advice I'm seeing all over this thread is absolutely insane and unhinged.

If there's a possibility that this man is the father of the child, then doing nothing means that her husband would be living a lie. How is that a constructive solution?

Is this man still living locally or something?
Or did he find you on social media?
How does he know about your son?

Except for common assault there is no statute of limitations in England and Wales.

You just block and ignore. Your child is not his child.

The alleged child is now an adult. It’s entirely up to him whether he wishes to have DNA comparison done. The ex lodger is leading himself wide open to an allegation of rape.

Ignoring the fact that if you don't remember having sex, he raped you and "his" child is therefore the product of rape.

I don't think I'd personally want to explore this as a possibility, if someone said we had sex and I don't remember that, I wouldn't think if I didn't remember being super duper drunk that I was actually drunk enough to black out.

Not really. Even if true, she’ll be accused of lying because about not remembering because she’s frightened of being exposed.

The police have a duty to investigate an allegation, but they won’t just take OP’s word as fact. I imagine the chances of finding enough supporting evidence of a crime, 22/23 years later, are slim to none.

OP - if there’s a chance this could be true, then I’m not sure that blocking him is your best course of action. If he’s messaged you, then he can also message your son, husband, and/or other family members.

It’s also incredibly easy to get a DNA test even without having any suspicion as to paternity, thanks to ancestry et al. Even if this man did disappear after being blocked, what happens if your son decides to sign up for that, and it does turn out that your husband isn’t his father?

You’ve now got this sword of Damocles hanging over your head, and it may be better for you to confront it head on than to live with the constant stress and worry of wondering if and/or when your life will be blown apart.

Could he apply for Declaration of Parentage if there is doubt that DH is the father

He sounds unhinged. Who looks at photos of other people's children let alone jumps to those conclusions. Tell him you didn't sleep with him and if he keeps insisting tell him you must have been blackout drunk and definitely didn't consent and that if really worrying. Don't hide this from your DH. Explain what's happened and that you think the guys at best disturbed because you have no reason to think this happened all, at worst he's a predator ( who you definitely don't want around your son).

That is not correct. The legal presumption that a married woman's child is the child of her husband is a starting point and can be rebutted by evidence to the contrary, which could include DNA evidence.

There is of course the potential effect on someone learning they may be the child of (at the extreme end) rape. Even if they are an adult.

Being so drunk that you have no recollection the next day is not the same as being unconscious.

We’ve told DS not to do drunk sex, the girl might not be able to legally consent or you may not be able to know if if she is consenting

Now the seed of doubt has been planted you'll forever worry that what he said is true.
Home bargains sell home paternity kits. Not sure what they entail but potentially you could find out in minutes.

But if you really can't remember a party or seeing him around that time then he could just be trying to cause trouble. Keep all messages incase it becomes harassment.

Look at what these lawyers say: Consent And Alcohol | McArthur Solicitors

• "Unconscious or semi-conscious individuals cannot consent: If someone has passed out or is asleep due to alcohol or drugs, they are legally incapable of consenting to sexual activity.

AND
"Drunken consent is still consent’: The Court of Appeal confirmed in R v Bree (2007) that intoxication alone does not remove the ability to consent. The deciding factor is whether the person retained the capacity to choose."

As well as other nuanced ifs and buts.

Forgetting what you did is not the same as having been unaware that it was happening at the time.

prh47bridge has been giving help on board and behind the scenes as a lawyer for decades on MN.

Meanwhile....the OP has not confirmed whether it is even possible that she was in a place where she could have had sex with the ex within the timeframe, whether she remembers getting drunk in his presence or any of the other questions that have been asked that are relevant to the credibility of this message before we get to any question of rape,

Tell your husband, show him the message, and do a DNA test if there's a possibility this could be true, like going to parties you don't remember getting home from. Bring this out into the open.

This sounds very, very weird and he wants something. Maybe it's an attempt to extort money out of you. But he's basically admitting he had unprotected sex with you when you weren't capable of giving consent so he's painting himself into a really nasty corner here. If that's a lie, what the hell?

Do you think he's nuts enough to contact your son?

OP may not be able to remember if she slept with this guy but she should be able to remember whether she was very drunk and had memory loss at a party he could have also been at just before she got pregnant. His claim is either plausible or not.

Looking exactly like someone else doesn't mean anything so that's not proof he's the dad. I know two people who could pass for identical twins but they aren't even from the same country. One of my friends has a history of dating very, very similar-looking women who could probably pass for sisters, which has been a source of amusement to us all.

Memory blackouts don't necessarily mean rape. People can seem compos mentis for long periods of a night that they don't recall at all the next day. And there isn't a strict correlation between amount drunk/how drunk someone is, or seems, and how much they remember the next day. I've had memory blackouts from relatively little booze (it's the empty stomach that does it) but also crystal clear recollections of much more drunken nights.

Though to be honest I think the best advice is "block him and do nothing" whether or not his claim was plausible. I'm not someone who believes that biological DNA links are all that important, and certainly not as important as actually doing the job of raising the child - the OP's husband is the son's father in every sense that actually matters.

The OP's DH might not be quite so philosophical though.