Old flame says my son is his

[PeterPansCaravan]

In short I got pregnant when I was 22. I am still with the father and I’m now 45.

Recently an old flame got in touch. Says he’s convinced he’s the father of my son. He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.

He sent me photos of himself at the same age as my son and they are more or less identical.

I don’t know what to do about the situation. I’m in bits about it all.

My DH and I have 3 other children and have a good relationship.

No judgement please.

Only you know if there was an overlap between you seeing your husband and this man. If there's an overlap, then could it be possible that you had sex with him? To not remember would suggest you were very drunk, and therefore wouldn't have been able to consent.

This man could approach your son independently, if he doesn't get the right answer from you or even tell your husband. You need to be honest with yourself. Is there any possibility that this man is your son's Dad? You may have no option but to tell your husband at the very least. You don't want to end up being pushed into a corner by this man. Your husband could insist on a DNA test though for his own piece of mind.

OP this is awful for you.

If this were true, why did he wait 22 years to tell you?

It's highly suspicious.

The usual jumping to conclusions thread...OP didn't say she had a blackout then, she said she was drunk and has no recollection! That doesn't mean she wasn't able to consent at the time! Good luck to her trying to prove this if she wanted to convict him if rape...

Ultimately, how quickly after getting with your husband did you get pregnant with your eldest? Or is it a case that you had sex when you were together already?

Do you think its possible that its true? Might you have been blackout drunk when you were dating this person and how much does your husband know about your past at that age?
You don't need to answer on here but its the kind of thing I think you ought to get straight in your mind before you decide what to do. I mean if its really really unlikely you do nothing and block him. How did he find you BTW?
If you think its possible/likely then I think you need to address it both with your husband and your child.
One issue that might be a problem is that a crime can only be dealt with as a crime if it was a crime when it was committed and I am not sure when the attitude to consent changed...something else to consider if you are thinking to report it as rape, which nowadays it undoubtedly would be

I would call 111 non emergency police and ask for advice on reporting rape.

Op you know yourself if you’d be tempted to stray after a few drinks if this is totally out of character then you’ve been raped

Ok so he wasn't interested when it might have cost him child support but he is now 🙄he's winding you up ignore him

So you had unprotected sex with both men within a couple of days? Is that possible or correct?
If not ignore.

I know it’s difficult but I think honesty is always the best policy in these situations.

I would speak to my family and see if DS wanted to know.

Why do you feel you need to do anything about this? Just block him and move on with your life. He can be as convinced as he likes, doesn't mean you need to engage with this.

@PeterPansCaravan this guy is basically admitting to rape. He had sex with you even though he was fully aware you could not consent. That's rape.

You need to speak to your husband and then the police.

If your son does look like this guy then perhaps its possible that you were assaulted by him at the party? I assume you were dating your now husband at the time?

Yes it is always rape to have sex with someone too drunk to consent.

Juries are always reluctant to say that rapists are guilty regardless of evidence. That doesn't mean that it wasn't rape.

So he basically told you that he raped you? Wtf…does he think that your son would want a relationship with the arsehole who took advantage of a drink woman.

I would do the DNA test, not that it will make a difference, your husband is his dad regardless of what DNA says

This.

With Ancestry DNA these days only a matter of time before it comes out as only a matter of time before someone in the family tests. If he is DS’s father better to face up to it now than have it come out later.

If your husband is not the biological father then your son has a different paternal family history for medical history which can have real implications for your son's care in a medical situation.

It is a horrible situation to be in, but IMHO, you need to know who the child's father is. As DNA testing becomes more widespread as a standard part of healthcare it is likely that your son will find out...it is best your son finds out from you.

This.

Agree, good suggestion.

The first question is what does this guy want? Is it just a hey he could be my son but no further interest, or is he looking to be involved in your son's life if he is the father? If the former you could just forget it or tell him definitively he can't be because... and the looks are just coincidental.

Otherwise does your partner know that this guy thinks your first son might be his? If so get a DNA test done. How do the dates add up? When did you supposedly have sex with the old flame and when with your partner? When did you find out you were pregnant and when was your son born? If it's mathematically possible that he is the father then you probably do need to get a DNA test anyway. And I guess the old flame could insist on a paternity test if he is determined to find out.

No. No man can force a woman to have a DNA test on any of her children, especially if he is not married to her. He can't force the son to have one either.

Tell him to piss off @PeterPansCaravan What a weirdo, rocking up a quarter century after having a one night stand with someone and claiming their adult child is theirs. He sounds unhinged. I would be prepared to get a restraining order if I were you.

As several posters have said, it sounds like he raped you when you were unconscious. I am sorry you are having to go through this.

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A rapist?

This is a strange and unsettling one. I would personally assume he was a bit nuts and delusional as even if it happened (which isn't certain) it's not actually very likely you'd conceive after a one off (possible but not likely at any age). Even if it happened how would he know about conception/birth dated anyway? Is he some sort of stalker?

I think this is probably clutching at straws in OP's situation (!) BUT you are not wrong that we do have very strong biological drives towards certain looks that we find attractive - often men choose someone like their mother or sisters and women like their father or brothers. It's all aimed at easy bonding and acceptance of the young coming into a broader family via an element of physical "familiarity."

So it isn't a totally wild suggestion that OP has certain physical features she has been drawn to in her BFs and DH (and indeed in herself) that might have meant she could produce a dc who had a combination to draw on that made him resemble a previous "choice" of BF made by op.

Counsel for the defence clutching at straws here!🤗😂

I’m not sure this is true, especially since it’s a one message post. But fwiw some people are v attracted to people who basically look similar/familiar to them, so it’s not inconceivable (sorry) that your son will look like how your old boyfriend looked; after all, your son will look like you a bit too. Point as noted by a PP whose kid also looks like an unrelated ex.

Real dad?? I think you mean biological.

Tell him to piss off. That any further correspondence in any form will be taken as harassment and the police will be involved.

He clearly is desperate for your attention but frankly he's going too far with these bizarre made up sexual trysts and claiming he's your kid's father. He's clearly either extremely manipulative or delusional or both. In fact he sounds like he is absolutely off his rocker!