Old flame says my son is his

[PeterPansCaravan]

In short I got pregnant when I was 22. I am still with the father and I’m now 45.

Recently an old flame got in touch. Says he’s convinced he’s the father of my son. He says we got really drunk at a party and slept together. I have no recollection of this happening.

He sent me photos of himself at the same age as my son and they are more or less identical.

I don’t know what to do about the situation. I’m in bits about it all.

My DH and I have 3 other children and have a good relationship.

No judgement please.

If you were really drunk and have no recollection of having sex then it sounds as if you weren’t in a position to give consent. Maybe point that out to him?

I wouldn't do anything. Tell him he's delusional. He might be within his rights to demand a dna test though.

Block old flame and carry on as you are

So hes basically saying that he took advantage of you when you were drunk and never mentioend in the last decade that he had done so, you were obviously in a relationship at the time, he knew that, and slept with you, when you were so drunk youve never remembered and then not mentioned it since.

Bit scummy this guys isnt he

Asking this without judgement: did you used to get blackout drunk a lot?

The problem now is tgat anyone can get a commercial "fun" DNA test (for Ancestry etc). The risk is your son does one... and potentially finds other relatives. So unfortunately, I think you need to talk to your son and husband.

Your eldest is 22 or so now, is that right? Do you think this man would get in contact with your DS directly and make the same claim to him?

No one can 'demand' a DNA test in the circumstances described, don't be ridiculous!

If they had sex, and OP herself describes her son as being identical to this man at the same age, why on earth is it reasonable to suggest that he’s delusional?

If he's 22 unfortunately they could contact your son. I would tell them you have no memory of sleeping with him and it didn't happen and that if it did then you didn't consent. Should make him back off.

Because OP does not want this huge upset in her family's life.

I recently found an old photo of my first boyfriend (from about 1987!), and my youngest son (who is only 14) looks identical to him. I even showed the photo to my mum and my children and they all thought it was my son! Very odd. Absolutely no connection.
I would ignore if possible to do so. What does the ‘old flame’ expect you to do!!

can you secretly test his dna against your husbands by stealing a piece of their hair? im not sure if it’s legal to do a dna test on behalf of other people.

Ask him if he is seriously telling you that he raped you while you were blackout drunk.

Tough. This man way actually be the father.

That doesn't make the man delusional though

I would just do the DNA test if it’s negative then it puts it to bed. If it’s positive then your son deserves to know who his real dad is

Well how long had you been with your partner prior to falling pregnant? Even if you can't remember it, could you believe you would have slept with someone else when with your partner? Do you remember the party he is talking about? Does your son look like your partner, is he similar in looks to his siblings? Have you told the man you have absolutely no recollection of ever having sex with him so are finding his claim a complete shock?

Were you at a party with your ex around the time you got pregnant ? How long were you in a relationship with your DH? I think you’d remember if you slept with two men around the same time and became pregnant - either it didn’t happen, you’ve blocked it from your mind or your were very drunk and this man raped you.

Does the ex live near you ? How does he know what your DS looks like ? Is it possible he AI generated the photos of himself as younger version of himself ?

He can demand all he likes, if the OP's son is now 22 it will be his decision on whether he wants to do that.

Do you think you could really have sex with someone and not remember it all? Did you have any concerns at the time, was this a guy who you'd had sex with before? You called him "an old flame", does that mean he was a sexual partner or just a guy you knew?
If he's said when this alleged incident took place, do the dates marry up with your son's birth?
Only you can know whether it's possible that he could be the father. What made him contact you about this. Presumably if he was seeing photos of your son online, then he would have been in at least vague contact all this time - what's prompted him to contact you now rather than when you were pregnant or after that?

I'd tell him that it can't have been a memorable occasion as you have absolutely no recollection of sleeping with him. Also, if you were so drunk that you can't remember, then you'd have been unable to consent, so effectively he raped you. See how that sits with him.

That aside, even though you can't recall having sex, was it a habit of yours to get really drunk at parties at that age? Could there be any truth in it?

This. Make him understand the full
implications of what he’s suggesting.

This.

Perhaps you should report him to the police if you have no recollection of having sex with him.