AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

They need to getting their own place as a family.

You want to help her? You were already helping her. She's 26 and still living at home. But now she's stepping it up a gear. She's pregnant. And wants to move her lazy, cheating boyfriend in.

You'd be utterly bonkers to agree to this.

If you allow your Dd1 and boyfriend to live with you she will never get rid of the lazy boyfriend because you will be propping them up.
He will not be bothered to change because he has free accommodation and others to help with the baby
I would rather help them with a deposit for a small rental and let them get on with it .

This won’t end well, OP, if you allow the boyfriend to move in. You will regret it.

Are they both currently working?

No way would they be living together for the first time, with a new baby, and a sister who doesn’t get on with them, under my roof. It will be very stressful for all of you and a bit unfair on your other DD and her grandma. She can either go to his parent’s house or ideally they can find a place together because they need to stand on their own two feet if they’re going to have a baby

I thought this was going to be about a 16 year old pregnant girl. Why at 26 and in a long term relationship is your DD wanting to move her family in with you?

Expectations are just so depressingly low all round in this story.

Op you sound so passive and accepting of your dds still being dependent on you. 26 is really old to still be dependent on living at home.

Is there a timeline for dd2 to live independently at least? That is her best way out of this situation. Dd1 and her boyfriend sound like lost causes.

Does anyone in this story have a job...?

What I find most irritating is the expectation that her demands will be accommodated, which would make me believe that she has been enabled until this point.
You have a chance to now change this behaviour and let her finally grow up, but it sounds like you are already digging in your heels and that you are mentally ready to give in to her latest whim. You reap what you sow..

Completely agree! I’ve already posted my story but it does really irk me based on the experience with my brother - DH and I married, bought a house and had ourselves in established jobs with reasonable parental leave packages where we would be able to afford childcare BEFORE we even thought about having a baby. My brother on the other hand just thought he would get his wife pregnant Willy nilly without considering their living situation or finances at all.

Even without the issue of DD2, the result of the boyfriend moving in will simply be that you have another mouth to feed and someone else to clean up after. He has time to get a job and get a deposit together for a flat. Why isn't he doing that?

I am hoping he will step up now.

That won't happen, especially if you let them move in. They should be looking to live independently. You are setting yourself up for years of issues and stress.

Your enabling of your eldest dd's terrible decisions is not 'helping' her.

She can't even afford to move out, and yet has decided to have a baby.

If only for your impending grandchilds sake, your dd needs to start taking responsibility and ownership for her decisions.

I understand you couldn't see your daughter and grandchild out on the street if she truly is so inept she cannot live independently, but it should be an absolute NO to her lay about boyfriend moving in.

1. If they want to live together like normal adult couples, then they better start saving as they live seperately to move out together. You should not let them play pretend in your house.

2. You don't like this waste of a man. Your other daughter will have to leave her own house if you allow him to leech off you. Why would you do that to the rest of your family?

For your entire family's sake you need to grow a backbone and say no to him moving in.

The absolute best way you could help this 26 year old, in a relationship, pregnant adult, would be to support her to be an independent adult.

Allowing them to move in and essentially avoid adulting is NOT how you help her.

“Azandme · Today 11:28
DannyOD · Today 10:35
Not particularly to be honest. He has some good points but I do find him irritating and lazy. I am hoping he will step up now. I do however love my Dd1 and want to help her.
Show quote history
The absolute best way you could help this 26 year old, in a relationship, pregnant adult, would be to support her to be an independent adult.
Allowing them to move in and essentially avoid adulting is NOT how you help her.”

This with bells on. Also, none of you think much of the BF. It sounds like it would be better for them to part than start a family.

There's now evidence that doing things in "the right order" (job, marriage, then children) has better outcomes for long term health and wealth of children. It's called The Success Sequence and there's been extensive research on this by the institute for family studies. Many articles on it if you search "The Success Sequence research".

It's not necessarily causative. What it comes down to is aspiration and expectations.

Op seems to have zero expectations of her children, or at least that's how it comes across. Not even "failure to launch", more like not even attempting to launch.

Your house, your choice.

The only one who gets to choose is you. Lay down your expectations but I have a feeling it won’t go well for you. Sorry! Good luck.

Finally the world is coming around to what us Asians have always known! 😉

You’re making your AuDHD daughter the issue here… but as you know as a mother of an AuDHD child they see the world for what it is… and she sees the red flags you guys have decided to ignore. She sees the irritating, cheating lazy boyfriend. She sees the sister who can’t stand on her own two feet but expects to have her life and baby funded … but more she can already see the fall out this will cause. Why not listen to your AuDHD daughter who has more insight it seems than any of you, and she’s not spiralling. She’s seeing the situation for what it is.

if They can’t afford a place they can’t afford a baby. No you don’t need to have them living with you.

This is called foresight. I would heed this advice!

I really think you are doing your DD a disservice by facilitating this. She will have no reason to grow up and become a responsible adult and it will no doubt further damage the relationship between your two DDs. Making your kids be responsible for themselves at 26 is not cruel.

If his parents have more room why aren’t they going to live with them if they can’t afford their own place?

You sound like you could be very keen on the idea. I think you should make a contract with each of them about what expectations are for each of them living with you.

how long and what you expect them to achieve, what you expect from them as flatmates ie will everyone have a turn cooking one night a week? Will they be expected to cook for themselves? Include housekeeping tasks down to room hoovered once per week and you expect each of them to clean the bathroom every other week. What rent and bill costs will you charge them for staying? Would they prefer you charge them extra and put the extra aside for savings? What will happen if they don’t have the rent?

i think really laying it out will put you in the best place to get the whole thing off on the right foot.

your second daughter doesn’t get to choose who lives in your house but she may see this as you choosing your daughter, and your daughters partner (who you don’t even like!) over her and your relationship may change