AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

Presumably the DD wants him there, joint responsibility.

Presumably she does, but that wasn't what I was responding to.

He doesn't somehow become a victim of false criticism if OP doesn't choose to let him move in.

Ever heard of can't do right for doing wrong? If they, as a couple, want to be together with the baby they need to sort it. She isn't a Victorian damsel who needs to wait for him to sort anything.

I never said she was. I just didn't talk about her responsibility due to your comment being about him. 🙄

How about I answer your comment the way you want me to:

Then we could criticise him for buggering off home and leaving mum to cope with sleepless nights.

Yes, the daughter should sort them out somewhere to live together. 🙄Heaven forfend he be criticised.

You still don't get it. They (plural) should be sorting it out.

🙄 I was taking the piss.

Again, your comment was about him, therefore I replied about him.

You are in a tricky position and I really don’t think you are enabling your children by giving them a safe place to live, housing is really expensive at the moment. However, as much as you love both your DDs, this does not mean that any of you need to live with a man your find irritating and your other DD hates. That sounds likes a horrendous living situation for you all.

As others have said, of course you would take in your DD1 and her baby if they need it, but not her partner. I would sit down with them and talk through their housing options. If you can afford it you could lend or pay the deposit on a flat rental, but after that they need to stand on their own I think. If you have time and energy, + wish to, you could really help them financially by babysitting so your DD1 can get back to work sooner if they are struggling to pay rent, but only to an extent that allows you to be healthy and live the life you want.

Of course you want to help her and the baby but there will be arguments between your daughters and the B/F which will impact on you. That is without having a crying baby 24/7.

You will probarly will end up looking after the baby more than them as they will say they are tired etc.

More people means more mess, being on top of each other in kitchen / bathroom

Would they be cooking, cleaning , washing up after them selfs, doing their own and babies laundry probarly not.

Best if they can they get somewhere together or daughter and baby stays only but on the basis that they make a plan for her and baby move out within xx months once shes got used to handling the baby.

Why cant they live at his parents if they have more room ?

You can still help her when
she vists and there would be less disruption for other daughter.
If he moves in it will be much harder to ask them to leave.

But after all the above congratulations x