AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

Your 22yo dd is very much against this and you don't sound very keen on him either so I think it's a recipe for disaster. Just be there for your eldest when it inevitably goes wrong because lazy self important twats who impregnate women but have no ability to support them or their child won't change whilst someone else is picking up the slack.

It's time for DD to move out. Either the boyfriend steps up, or he doesn't and at least she wises up and dumps him before there's a second child. Let her stay now and you'll end up raising at least two of her kids while he does whatever he likes.

Absolutely not. Its your DD2s home too and everyone has to be happy with a decision with that much impact. Totally unfair on her.

DD1 made the choice to get pregnant and to stay pregnant, now she needs to stand on her own 2 feet.

Agree with others. They need to have jobs and move out. Otherwise if you want to help your daughter then she and your grandchild stay the boyfriend has to stay wherever he wants not in your house and help financially and spend quality time during the days. No need for him to fully move in especially as your second daughter is not on board.

Your eldest daughter still lives at home, and her boyfriend still lives at his family home. Your daughter now finds herself pregnant and wants her boyfriend to move in to your family home. I understand your daughter wanting her boyfriend to help her with the baby, but realistically given how lazy he is, will that happen? Probably not. You'll be the co-parent, not her boyfriend.

I would be saying No with regards to him moving in. The priority should be to find a way to live independently. That won't happen at all, if the boyfriend moves in. Before you know it, 2 years will pass, and your daughter will be pregnant with baby number 2 and they'll all still be living with you.

Of course, you want to help your daughter, that's natural. You can still help her without having the boyfriend move in. Could you help financially? For example a deposit for a rented flat? Help buying baby items? Equally what will his parents be doing to help, or will everything fall to you and your husband?! I suspect his parents have said No, to your daughter and the baby moving in, even though their property is bigger.

Pregnant DD should move out and stand on her own feet. She can’t get a job and pay rent like everyone else! She’s going to be 30 in a few years and has chosen to get pregnant, she needs to grow up starting today.

As a parent, whilst I wouldn't be telling DD1 what to do, I also wouldn't be encouraging her to pin her star to her lazy BF for at least the next eighteen years. It is your business when you'll be effectively financing their child. It would be different if they were independent.

No he doesn't move in. I wouldn't even be having him to stay over. Both need to get themselves somewhere to live as a family. That's what you do.

My children- and any babies- will always have a home with me, but no partners ever.

Disaster waiting to happen
Op, they really need to find their own place

Also I have told both my kids not to have babies they can't support or house. Why not? Your body your rules does not apply if I have to house the babies.

@DannyOD Why is a 26 yo woman with a presumably same aged boyfriend not able to move out? Do neither of them work?

if she’s not able to live independently, how can she care for a baby?

So then you deal with the consequences of having sex and either not being careful enough or knowing that there’s a small chance contraception will fail … you don’t expect your parents to house you and your baby and your lazy bf.

So she's been deliberately trying
to get pregnant . That puts a different slant on it. They should definitely have been finding somewhere to live while they were trying. No one should start family life completely reliant on their mum. As others have said, she's 26! Equally your other daughter shouldn't be dictating who lives in your house. It's unfortunate that she has problems but encouraging her to stand on her own 2 feet would be the kind way to go.
In all honesty, it sounds as if you just want to keep them both in a state of dependence.

The most I would agree to is newborn and DD can move in for a short while but BF cannot. If they want to live as a family they can find their own place.

Dd2 is trying to control everyone, im not judging, its your house. She can move out and be ok. But, isnt it better if they all get more independent and have their own places.

Do NOT do this Op. I have so many reasons why not but I will just leave you with the story of when my own family did this and it nearly broke us permanently.

DB1 and his wife got pregnant and realised their flat was too small for them and two children and asked to move into my parents large 4 bed detached house. DB2 was away at university and I was planning to move out with my now DH anyway.

Granted it was over covid but it caused so many arguments and so much resentment. My dad actually developed depression because he felt like he couldn’t do what he wanted in his own house, the kids crap took over and the house was a mess, SIL kept trying to take charge of things and also got annoyed at my parents if they told off her children. DB2 was home from university trying to write a dissertation and also became very depressed as he couldn’t get any space.

It really did almost break us as a family - DB1 felt caught in the middle of my parents and his wife, DB2 felt deprioritised and sidelined, my mum just wanted everyone to get along and everyone was bitching about me to it separately. It was so bad my parents ended up giving them money just to get them out sooner.

Your dd and her baby stays with you until her boyfriend finds a house for them to move into. Boyfriend stays wherever he is currently.

Nope. She should've been responsible, harsh I know but that's the truth. She needs to get herself on a council waiting list or, even better, boyfriend start earning enough to rent somewhere so they can move together there rather than the fella move into yours.
At the age of 26, she should have a good head on her shoulders by now.

I think you should be encouraging them to get their own place
Why on earth is she still living at home at 26
However I would be telling the 22 year old that it my house and I would not be emotionally blackmailed by her

If there's more space at BF's home they should move in there.
Then, IF it all goes wrong she has a safe space with you to come back to immediately.

Jesus what a mess. They are all adults op. Time to cut the apron strings

I also have a similar story of resentment where a friend’s mum allowed her dd, partner and child to move in and my friend ended up moving out before he was financially ready and it really was the beginning of the end for their whole family dynamic.

Need to stand on their own two feet at that age.

No, not fair on your younger DD. Making her live with a strange man she doesn’t like is unfair in general, but it’s worse for someone with ASD and ADHD.