AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

She can't tell a woman in her mid twenties to have an abortion. She can refuse to facilitate her life however.

At 26 and with a baby on the way she needs her independence and own place. I can understand why DD2 wouldn't cope with a baby in the house, babies are lovely but noisy and disruptive. I'd also be concerned that this dynamic would mean you'd effectively end up as a coparent to the baby when surely you'd rather just be a grandparent.

Not particularly to be honest. He has some good points but I do find him irritating and lazy. I am hoping he will step up now. I do however love my Dd1 and want to help her.

Why isn't DD1 looking to get married now given she's with child?

She can't house herself or afford a kid. It's on her and her boyfriend to rectify both these things.
There's no reason at all for you to house a grown man.

Can understand you want to help, but I’d be wary of this arrangement. It’s likely to be disruptive and for a lengthy time.
You say your DD is not able to live independently and has a lazy BF .
you will end up co parenting.

Wow!! I certainly will not be telling her not to have the baby. She has spent her life thinking she wouldn’t be able to get pregnant (a whole other story) and it’s not for me to tell ANYBODY what to do with their body.

“Maybe it's so they can save a deposit to buy their own place”

If that’s the case, you don’t decide to have a baby.

He can’t move in

i don’t know why you are considering it ?

Don’t move a grown man in who isn’t even your own son. He will have to make arrangements.
They’ve got it all worked out at your expense.
If you refuse him moving in, you may find that the new family unit finds suitable accommodation.

OP, if you make her homeless, the council will find them somewhere. If you don’t, they will still be living at yours when your DD’s DC is 26; Dd2 will have moved out long since, and there will be an almighty row when you die leaving your house between them and DD1 accuses DD2 of throwing her out of her own home. Just don’t do it - it’s one thing for DD1 to return on a temporary basis: it’s quite another to move in her loud, in-your-face BF who sounds a complete no-hoper if he and your DD between them are unable to afford somewhere to live. Have you considered how much it will all be costing you? Do you want DD to carry on leading her irresponsible life while you shoulder the baby-raising load, only for arguments to erupt when your ideas don’t co-incide with hers? It’s an absolute recipe for disaster. By all means do all you can to help DD and BF to set up house on their own - but don’t move them in with you.

A lazy boyfriend will not step up with a baby 🤣
you will end up default parenting if you have them in your home
They need to live as a family unit
there is no way I would facilitate them living with me
if they’re old enough to have a baby they can figure out loving arrangements

Absolutely not. DD1 and her boyfriend need to find another solution.

Dd1 moves in but boyfriend doesn't. He can stay over 3 nights per week but not more and doesn't move in. Doable at a squeeze is not an option long term.

He must be aware that Dd2 doesn't like him so you need to have a word for him to be low-key and respectful when he is at your place.

By all means help them out but offer a safety net don't make them a hammock.

Maybe it’s not for you to tell her what to do with her body but it IS for you to tell her that if she’s taken the very adult decision to have a baby then she needs to live like an adult, stop relying on her parents, support herself and tell her bf to step up and support his new family.

Absolutely not op

shes 26,a grown women and they are responsible enough to have a child then they need to be responsible enough to spend the next few months looking for and furnishing their own home.

since when did people think it the norm to move a baby and partner into their parents home!!

it baffles me it really does and I can’t understand why you’ve not pointed that out to her!

your not helping her by any stretch if you keep enabling them you do know that don’t you?

and this will be your life forever more?

this is your time now,your children are adults and you’ve spent years parenting them,now it’s time for you to do things for you.

they have no idea yet how having a baby will change their lives but that’s their time to parent and go through it all,you e done it.

being a grandparent is an amazing experience I absolutely love it however I also love my now independence after 28 years of parenting.

Why are they still living with you? I moved out of my parents house at 23 and never looked back. If they are bringing a child into the world its their responsibility to put a roof over its head. Do either if them work? Are they expecting you to pay for or babysit? If its just temporary while they look for a place of their own i would probably agree and dd2 can manage for a short while but the rule will be they must be actively house/flat hunting while there and move out ASAP when they find somewhere.

Do DD1 and the boyfriend work? How come they are both still living at home anyway? Agree with other posters that if they are ready to be parents, then they should be independent.
I would not have him move in - how will you ever get them to move on?
Where will your financial subsidising end? Will they cover all the baby costs? Will they cook for themselves?
Better he doesn’t move in so they are incentivised to do what is needed to move in together in their own rented place.
DD2 has indicated that she does not want this and will feel you have prioritised DD1 if he moves in. Fine for DD1 to stay with the baby - but don’t let the boyfriend move in.

So neither of them work, op? They can’t afford rent on a one bed flat?

I hope she realises she is worth more that a baby making machine

If they are grown up enough to have a baby they are grown up enough to live together and independently. I can see why her sister isn’t thrilled

I think the best way you can help is to insist your dd and incoming family make a home of their own. Any help I gave would be to that end.

Your daughter needs to move out and into a place with her boyfriend. I can’t believe you’re considering having them live with you! It’s not just that your other daughter couldn’t cope, you’d be doing a big disservice to your elder daughter who needs to grow up and live as an independent adult with her own family.

My DC are working adults and live with us. Though if they were starting their own family and had their own kids, come on I'd be super happy to have grandkids but I think they'd need their own place

"I am hoping he will step up now"

Oh you poor sweet summer child.