AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

“He will not be bothered to change because he has free accommodation and others to help with the baby”

This is the most important point for op to take on board. She won’t be helping anyone if she allows him to live there.

It’s really not surprising is it. Even without reading about it, it’s just obvious that your relationship will be in a better place, there will be less stress because finances are less stretched and you have gone into the situation with your eyes open and planned it.

If you find him irritating and lazy now, imagine how you’ll. feel when he is Freeloading in your house. Does he work?

Just don’t

@DannyOD No you can't tell a grown woman what to do with her body but if she is a grown woman she can also sort her own living situation out and find a job, and childcare for her own baby. Is she expecting you to provide childcare?

Is there any evidence that he will step up? How has he been since she has announced her pregnancy? Has he tried to find a job/better job/work more hours to save up? Has he tried to sort out their housing situation?

Why should you move a feckless stranger in and inconvenience DD2?

When I fell pregnant at 20 my mum said to me, ‘I’ll help you with childcare but you know you won’t be able to live here with a baby though’

She wasn’t being cruel, just making sure I knew it was time to stand on my own two feet. So me and my husband (then boyfriend) rented somewhere nearby and haven’t looked back. My mum has been the perfect nana, and my son (now 18) has a great bond with her, and my husband and I ended up purchasing our own home near her so we see her multiple times a week.

Her explaining I couldn’t live there with the baby (which to be clear I didn’t plan to do anyway) meant that I grew up and learned the responsibility needed to be a better parent. It didn’t change my relationship with her, in fact it became better as I became an adult in her eyes not just her child. And it didn’t cause my sister and parents issues with sleepless nights and no peace.

Decline her staying and let her know it is time to move out. 6+ years of dating and a baby means it is time to go.

I agree with Pp that they have to present to the council as homeless. They will be housed. Dd2 is right that it would be a nightmare.

if DS1 & BF split and you want them home that’s a different story, but this new family needs their own home.

But op is not the only one living in the house, there are other people to consider. Not to mention the long term wellbeing of her pregnant daughter and unborn grandchild.

What i find so interesting about low expectations in some families, is that university still seems to be expected but unemployment and dependence after that is accepted. It's so strange.

Presumably op encouraged and supported her dd to go to university but isn't encouraging and supporting her to live independently, which is a much more important step than university. (I'm making the assumption that both daughters went to uni).

Priorities are all wrong here. What is the point of university if, afterwards, you just go back to living with Mum and squabbling with your sibling like you're still children?

University is hard, and somewhat costly. That effort would have been much better spent getting them both set up in stable jobs and independent accommodation.

Completely agree - she will (quite rightly) be viewed by DD2 as choosing DD1 over her.

The problems will arise when you see he doesn’t step up and you do. Then resentment sets in from all sides. Will you then have the strength to kick the 3 of them out? Having another adult, that you don’t particularly like, living with you is different to having a DD and her baby there. If his parents have more space why aren’t they going there?

He won't step up though, I bet. And who will be taking the strain of looking after the stuff he doesn't do? Go figure!

They need to get their own place if they want to become a family. Of course you will be able to play a very active hands on role as a dgm, but the young couple need to be in charge and if they are living with you they will struggle to grow up I think.

Two 26 year olds that are expecting a baby should be looking into moving into their own place not moving in with parents. I’m not surprised your other daughter is concerned about living with a man she doesn’t like and a baby.

The ONLY way he is ever likely to step up is by moving out to live with his partner and child. or he can live with his parents.

I wouldn't be letting him move in, especially as your other daughter is against it.

Nope, they need to house themselves. If they can have a baby, they can figure it out.

Can’t wait until the ‘My daughter’s baby dad hasn’t remotely stepped up since the birth. AIBU to tell him to pack up and leave?’

Longshot, but is there any way you could create a garden room for them so they can live a bit more separately from the rest of you?

Why can't the 26 year old move out? Could you perhaps help her financially so that she can? I'd be very careful not to burn bridges with either child, particularly as it sounds likely that at some point DD1 will become a single mum given his lazy and unfaithful ways.

Step up how? He hasn’t made plans to find a home for your DD and baby, he’s just thinking he’ll move in with you. That isn’t stepping up.

Another no from me. My elder DS did this, my younger sister and I were continually nagged at as tensions in the house became intolerable. We were 13 & 14, house was chaos, Mum was angry practically 24/7 with mess everywhere. DS and her partner split, Mum packed my DS's stuff up and told her to leave (baby was maybe 8 months). Council housed her in a one bed flat in a dreadful area.

Support your DD1 and allow her to stay if you feel you must, but no to the partner. He gets saving, gets a flat, they both move out. Give them a deadline - OP - this is in their best interest - you are being naive if you think you are helping them by allowing both in.

Your 26 year old daughter needs to move out and grow the hell up.

If she’s going to keep the baby she needs to act like the adult that she is.

I can’t believe you are even considering it!

So do they both work? or will the state be paying everything for them

These 2 aren't mature enough to be having a baby! She's 26, she should have her own place especially if they've clearly actively been trying for a baby. If this guy is a lazy layabout he won't change and your daughter will most likely end up a single mother.

Thry should move into his place If need be especially if its bigger- under no circumstances would he be welcome at mu home- you don't like him and neither does your other daughter!

Time for them both to grow up!

I think I’d have to say boyfriend can’t move in. It’s a difficult one. But you’d all be miserable if he did.

You aren't. You're telling her to take responsibility, along with the boyfriend, for their future life. She's expecting YOU to do it for her otherwise. It is totally irresponsible of her to get pregnant under her current circumstances and expect YOU to change your life, and that of her sister, because she won't do that. Any fear that she might never get pregnant again doesn't change that.

She is not a teenager. I wouldn’t want him moving in either. Let her rent.

They are old enough for a baby then they are old enough to move out. This is just awful for your other DD feeling like she can’t stay in her own home.

No chance I would do this. It has disaster written all over it.